EVERYDAY 


MARION  HARLAND 


L 


Everyday  Etiquette 


.  or  CALIF.  LIBRARY.  u» 


Everyday  Etiquette 

A  PRACTICAL  MANUAL  OF  SOCIAL  USAGES 


By  MARION  HARLAND 

and 

VIRGINIA  VAN  DE  WATER 


"  Manners  must  adorn  knowledge  and  smooth  its  way  through 
the  world." — Chesterfield's  Letters. 


INDIANAPOLIS 

THE  BOBBS-MERRILL  COMPANY 
PUBLISHERS 


Copyright  1905 
The  Bobbs-Merrill  Company 


October 


PRESS  OF 

BRAUNWORTH  &  CO. 

BOOKBINDERS  AND  PRINTERS 

BROOKLYN,  N.  Y. 


Everyday  Etiquette 


21331B4 


DEDICATION 

As  mother  and  daughter,—  as  author  and  amanuensis,  —  we, 
who  have  collaborated  in  the  preparation  of  this  book,  have 
had  equal  opportunities  of  knowing  how  much  it  is  needed. 
Thousands  of  letters  have  been  received  and  answered  by 
us  yearly,  asking  for  just  such  information  as  we  have 
written  down  here. 

One  fact  enlisted  our  sympathizing  interest  at  an  early 
stage  of  the  correspondence.  Those  who  were  most  anxious 
to  learn  the  by-laws  of  polite  society,  and  to  order  their 
manners  in  accordance  with  what  we  long  ago  elected  to 
call  the  "Gospel  of  Conventionality,"  were  not  the  illiterate 
and  vulgar.  Men  and  women  —  women,  in  particular  —  to 
whom  changed  circumstances  or  removal  from  secluded 
homes  to  fashionable  neighborhoods  involved  the  necessity 
of  altered  habits  of  social  intercourse  ;  girls,  whose  parents 
are  content  to  live  and  move  in  the  deep  ruts  in  which  they 
and  their  forebears  were  born  ;  people  of  humble  lineage 
and  rude  bringing  up,  who  yet  have  longings  and  tastes  for 
gentlehood  and  for  the  harmony  and  beauty  that  go  with 
really  good  breeding  —  these  make  up  the  body  of  our 
clientele.  Every  page  of  our  manual  was  written  with  a 
thought  of  them  in  our  minds.  We  have  tried  to  make  the 
lessons  they  would  learn  simple,  and  in  all  to  show  the 
aptness  of  the  phrase  quoted  above  as  descriptive  of  the 
code  made  up  of  decorous  and  gracious  ordinances. 

We  could  ask  no  greater  measure  of  success  for  the 
volume  we  here  and  now  dedicate  to  these,  our  correspond- 
ents and  their  congeners,  than  that  a  copy  of  it  may  find 
welcome  and  use  in  every  home  from  which  have  come 
to  us  requests  for  light  and  help  upon  EVERYDAY  ETIQUETTE. 


V 
New  York,  August,  1905         / 


CONTENTS 

CHAPTER  PAOE 

I  SENDING  AND  RECEIVING  INVITATIONS    .  1 

II    CARDS  AND  CALLS 13 

III  LETTER- WRITING 24 

IV  "FUNCTIONS" 36 

V  THE  HOME  WEDDING       ....  54 

VI  THE  CHURCH  WEDDING  ....  66 

VII    THE  DEBUTANTE 78 

VIII    THE  CHAPERON 85 

IX  MAKING  AND  RECEIVING  GIFTS        .        ,  92 

X  BACHELOR  HOSPITALITY          .        ,        .  103 

XI    THE  VISITOR 114 

XII    THE  VISITED 133 

XIII  HOSPITALITY  AS  A  DUTY  ....  145 

XIV  THE  HOUSE  OF  MOURNING       .        .        .  152 
XV  AT  TABLE          ......  164 

XVI  ETIQUETTE  IN  THE  HOME         .        ,        .  176 

XVII    IN  PUBLIC 188 

XVIII  ETIQUETTE  OF  HOTEL  AND  BOARDING- 
HOUSE  LIFE 200 

XIX  ETIQUETTE  IN  SPORT       ....  214 

XX  MRS.  NEWLYRICH  AND  HER  SOCIAL 

DUTIES  .                                                ,  229 


CHAPTKE  PAGE 

XXI    A  DELICATE  POINT  OF  ETIQUETTE  FOR 

OUR  GIRL      .       .      t ,       .       .        .245 

XXII    OUR  OWN  AND  OTHER  PEOPLE'S 

CHILDREN 256 

XXIII  OUR  NEIGHBORS        .        .        .      :.        .268 

XXIV  ETIQUETTE  OF  CHURCH  AND  PARISH       .    277 
XXV    COURTESY  FROM  THE  YOUNG  TO  THE  OLD    288 

XXVI    MISTRESS  AND  MAID         ....    300 

XXVII    A  FINANCIAL  STUDY  FOR  OUR  YOUNG 

MARRIED  COUPLE         ....    311 

XXVIII    MORE  ABOUT  ALLOWANCES      .        .        .    322 

XXIX    A  FEW  OF  THE  LITTLE  THINGS  THAT  ARE 

BIG  THINGS    .        .        .        .        .        .327 

XXX    SELF-HELP  AND  OBSERVATION  .    344 


Everyday  Etiquette 


EVERYDAY  ETIQUETTE 


SENDING  AND  RECEIVING  INVITATIONS 

The  sending  and  receiving  of  invita- 
tions underlies  social  obligations.  It 
therefore  behooves  both  senders  and  rec- 
cipients  to  learn  the  proper  form  in  which 
these  evidences  of  hospitality  should  be 
despatched  and  received. 

It  is  safe  to  assert  that  in  the  majority 
of  cases  an  invitation  demands  an  an- 
swer. If  one  is  in  doubt,  it  is  well  to  err 
on  the  side  of  acknowledging  an  invita- 
tion, rather  than  on  that  of  ignoring  it 
altogether. 

Those  that  we  will  consider  first  are 
such  as  demand  no  acceptance,  but  which 
call  for  regrets  if  one  can  not  accept. 
1 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

Such  are  cards  to  "At  Home"  days,  to 
teas,  and  to  large  receptions.  Unless  any 
one  of  these  bears  on  its  face  the  letters 
"R.  s.  v.  p."  (Repondez,  s'il  vous  plait 
—Answer  if  you  please)  no  acceptance  is 
required.  If  one  can  not  attend  the  func- 
tion, one  should  send  one's  card  so  that 
one's  would-be-hostess  will  receive  it  on 
the  day  of  the  affair. 

The  cards  for  an  "At  Home"  are  is- 
sued about  ten  days  before  the  function. 
They  bear  the  hostess'  name  alone,  unless 
her  husband  is  to  receive  with  her,  in  which 
case  the  card  may  bear  the  two  names,  as 
"Mr.  and  Mrs.  James  Smith."  The  aver- 
age American  man  does  not,  however, 
figure  at  his  wife's  "At  Homes"  when 
these  are  held  in  the  afternoon.  The  ex- 
igencies of  counting-room  and  office  hold 
him  in  thrall  too  often  for  him  to  be  de- 
pended on  as  a  certainty  for  such  an  oc- 
casion. 


INVITATIONS 

The  card  bears  in  the  lower  right-hand 
corner  the  address  of  the  entertainer;  in 
the  lower  left-hand  corner  the  date  and 
the  hours  of  the  affair, — as  "Wednesday 
October  the  nineteenth,"  and  under  this 
"From  four  until  seven  o'clock." 

If  the  tea  be  given  in  honor  of  a  friend, 
or  to  introduce  a  stranger,  the  card  of 
this  person  is  inclosed  with  that  of  the 
hostess,  if  the  affair  be  rather  informal. 
If,  however,  it  be  a  formal  reception 
it  is  well  to  have  engraved  upon  the  card 
of  the  hostess,  directly  under  her  own 
name,  "To  meet  Miss  Blank." 

The  recipient,  in  sending  her  cards  of 
regret,  also  incloses  a  card  for  the  guest 
or  friend  whom  she  has  been  invited  to 
meet. 

The  cards  for  an  evening  reception  may 
be  issued  in  the  same  style.  If  not,  they 
are  in  the  form  of  a  regular  invitation, 
and  in  the  third  person,  as: 

3 


EVERYDAY   ETIQUETTE 

"Mr.  and  Mrs.  James  Smith 
Request  the  pleasure  of  Mr.  and  Mrs. 

Brown's  company 

On  Wednesday  evening,  October  nine- 
teenth, 

From  eight  to  eleven  o'clock. 
2  West  Clark  Street.'* 

If  this  formal  invitation  bears  "R.  s. 
v.  p."  in  one  corner,  it  should  be  accepted 
in  the  same  person  in  which  it  is  written, 
thus: 

"Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  Brown  accept  with 
pleasure  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Smith's  invitation 
for  Wednesday  evening,  October  nine- 
teenth." 

It  is  hardly  to  be  supposed  that  any 
person  who  reads  this  book  will  be  guilty 
of  the  outrageous  solecism  of  signing  his 
or  her  name  to  an  invitation  written  in  the 
third  person.  But  such  things  have  been 
done! 

Invitations  to  dances  are  often  issued 
in  the  same  form  as  those  to  teas,  with 
4 


INVITATIONS 

"Dancing"  written  or  engraved  in  tHe 
corner  of  the  card.  As  with  teas,  so  with 
evening  receptions,  a  declinature  must  be 
sent  in  the  shape  of  a  card  delivered  on 
the  day  of  the  function.  The  custom  that 
some  persons  follow  of  writing  "Regrets'* 
on  such  a  card  is  not  good  form. 

An  invitation  to  a  card-party,  no  mat- 
ter how  informal,  always  demands  an  an- 
swer, as  the  entertainer  wishes  to  know 
how  many  tables  to  provide,  and  the  num- 
ber of  players  she  can  count  on. 

Cards  to  church  weddings  demand  no 
answer  unless  the  wedding  be  a  small  one 
and  the  invitations  are  written  by  the  bride 
or  one  of  the  relatives,  in  which  case  the 
acceptance  or  regret  must  be  written  at 
once,  and  thanks  expressed  for  the  honor. 
A  "crush"  church  wedding  is  the  one 
function  that  demands  no  reply  of  any 
kind.  If  one  can  go,  well  and  good.  If 
one  does  not  go  one  will  not  be  missed 
a 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

from  the  crowd  that  will  throng  the  edi- 
fice. An  invitation  to  a  home-wedding  or 
breakfast  demands  an  answer  and  thanks 
for  the  honor. 

While  on  the  subject  of  invitations  to 
large  or  formal  affairs,  it  may  be  well 
to  touch  on  the  point  concerning  which 
many  correspondents  write  letters  of  ag- 
onized inquiry, — the  addressing  of  en- 
velops to  the  different  members  of  the 
family.  The  question,  "Can  one  invita- 
tion be  sent  to  an  entire  family,  consist- 
ing of  parents,  sons  and  daughters?"  is 
asked  again  and  again.  To  each  of  these 
an  emphatic  "No!"  should  be  the  answer. 
If  any  one  is  to  be  honored  by  an  invita- 
tion to  a  function,  he  should  be  honored  by 
an  invitation  sent  in  the  proper  way.  One 
card  should  be  sent  to  "Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Blank;"  another  to  the  "Misses  Blank," 
still  another  to  each  son  of  the  family. 
Each  invitation  is  inclosed  in  a  separate 
6 


INVITATIONS 

envelop,  but,  if  desired,  all  these  envelops 
may  be  inclosed  in  a  larger  outer  one  ad- 
dressed to  the  head  of  the  house. 

The  most  important  of  invitations, — 
that  is,  one  demanding  an  immediate  an- 
swer,— is  that  to  a  dinner  or  luncheon,  be 
this  formal  or  informal.  For  very  stately 
and  most  formal  dinners,  engraved  invi- 
tations in  the  third  person  are  sent.  But 
it  is  quite  as  good  form,  and  in  appear- 
ance much  more  hospitable  and  compli- 
mentary, for  the  hostess  herself  to  write 
personal  notes  of  invitation  to  each  guest. 
These  may  be  in  the  simplest  language, 
as: 

"My  dear  Miss  Dorr: 

Will  you  give  Mr.  Brown  and  myself 
the  pleasure  of  having  you  at  dinner  with 
us  on  Tursday  evening,  December  the 
sixth?  We  sincerely  hope  that  you  will 
be  among  those  whom  we  expect  to  see  at 
our  table  that  night.  Dinner  will  be  at 
seven  o'clock.  Cordially  yours, 

Luella  Brown." 
7 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

To  a  married  woman  the  invitation 
should  always  include  herself  and  her  hus- 
band, but  it  is  addressed  to  her  because  it 
is  the  woman  who  is  supposed  to  have 
charge  of  the  social  calendar  of  the  fam- 
ily. This  note  may  read: 

"My  dear  Mrs.  Aikman: 

Will  you  and  Mr.  Aikman  honor  us 
by  being  among  our  guests  at  dinner  on 
Thursday  evening,  December  the  sixth, 
at  seven  o'clock?  Sincerely  hoping  to  see 
you  at  that  time,  I  remain, 

Cordially  yours, 

Luella  Brown." 

A  note  of  invitation  to  a  single  man  is 
written  in  the  same  way.  If  the  dinner  be 
given  to  any  particular  guest  or  guests, 
this  fact  should  be  mentioned  in  the  in- 
vitation. As,  for  instance,  "Will  you  dine 
with  us  to  meet  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Barrows," 
and  so  forth. 

As  soon  as  practicable  after  the  receipt 
of  such  an  invitation,  the  recipient  should 
8 


INVITATIONS 

write  a  cordial  note  of  acceptance,  express- 
ing thanks  and  the  pleasure  she  (or  her 
husband  and  she)  will  take  in  being  pres- 
ent at  the  time  mentioned. 

If  a  declinature  is  necessary,  let  it  be 
in  the  form  of  a  recognition  of  the  honor 
conveyed  in  the  invitation,  and  genuine 
regret  at  the  impossibility  of  accepting 
it.  This  may  be  worded  somewhat  in  the 
following  way: 

"My  dear  Mrs.  Brown: 

Mr.  Aikman  and  I  regret  sincerely 
that  a  previous  engagement  makes  it  im- 
possible for  us  to  accept  your  delightful 
invitation  for  December  the  sixth.  We 
thank  you  for  counting  us  among  those 
who  are  so  happy  as  to  be  your  guests  on 
that  evening,  and  only  wish  that  we  could 
be  with  you. 

Cordially  and  regretfully  yours, 

Jane  Aikman." 

No  matter  how  informal  a  dinner  is  to 
be,  if  the  invitation  is  once  accepted,  noth- 
ing must  be  allowed  to  interfere  with  one's 
9 


EVERYDAY   ETIQUETTE 

attendance  unless  she  is  so  ill  that  her  phy- 
sician absolutely  forbids  her  leaving  the 
house. 

Some  wit  said  that  a  man's  only  excuse 
for  non-attendance  at  such  a  function  is 
his  death,  in  which  case  he  should  send  his 
obituary  notice  as  an  explanation.  Cer- 
tain it  is  that  nothing  short  of  one's  own 
severe  illness  or  the  dangerous  illness  of  a 
member  of  the  family  should  interfere 
with  one's  attendance  at  a  dinner.  Should 
such  a  contingency  arise,  a  telegram  or 
telephone  message  should  be  sent  immedi- 
ately that  the  hostess  may  try  to  engage 
another  guest  to  take  the  place  of  the  one 
who  is  unavoidably  prevented  from  being 
present. 

All  the  rules  that  apply  to  the  sending 
and  receiving  of  invitations  to  a  dinner 
prevail  with  regard  to  a  luncheon.  It  is  as 
important  a  function,  and  the  acceptance 
or  declinature  of  a  letter  requesting  that 
10 


INVITATIONS 

one  should  attend  it  must  be  promptly 
despatched. 

The  matter  of  invitations  to  pay  visits 
will  be  treated  under  the  headings  of 
"The  Visitor"  and  "The  Visited." 

Before  closing  this  chapter  we  should 
like  to  remind  the  possible  guest  that  an 
invitation  is  intended  as  an  honor.  The 
function  to  which  one  is  asked  may  be  all 
that  is  most  boring,  and  the  flesh  and 
spirit  may  shrink  from  attending  it.  But 
if  one  declines  what  is  meant  as  a  compli- 
ment, let  him  do  so  in  a  manner  that  shows 
he  appreciates  the  honor  intended.  To  de- 
cline as  if  the  person  extending  the  in- 
vitation were  a  bit  presumptuous  in  giv- 
ing it,  or  to  accept  in  a  condescending 
manner,  is  a  lapse  that  shows  a  common 
strain  under  the  recently-acquired  polish. 
A  thoroughbred  accepts  and  declines  all 
invitations  as  though  he  were  honored  by 
the  attention.  In  so  doing  he  shows  him- 
H 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

self  worthy  to  receive  any  compliment  that 
may  under  any  circumstances  be  extended 
to  him.  Would  that  more  of  the  strag- 
glers up  Society's  ladders  would  appre- 
ciate this  truth  1 


12 


II 

CARDS  AND  CALLS 

The  styles  of  calling-cards  change  from 
year  to  year,  even  from  season  to  season, 
so  that  it  is  impossible  to  make  hard-and- 
fast  rules  as  to  the  size  and  thickness  of 
the  bits  of  pasteboard,  or  the  script  with 
which  they  are  engraved.  Any  up-to-date 
stationer  can  give  one  the  desired  informa- 
tion on  these  points. 

In  choosing  a  card-plate  it  is  well  to  se- 
lect a  style  of  script  so  simple  yet  elegant 
that  it  will  not  be  outre  several  seasons 
hence,  unless  one's  purse  will  allow  one  to 
revise  one's  plate  with  each  change  of 
fashion.  It  should  not  be  necessary  to 
remark  that  a  printed  card  is  an  atrocity. 
Even  a  man's  business  card  should  be  en- 
graved, not  printed, 
is 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

It  is  no  longer  considered  the  proper 
thing  for  one  card  to  bear  the  husband's 
and  wife's  names  together,  as  was  a  few 
years  ago  the  mode,  thus, — "Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Charles  Sprague."  Still,  some  persons 
have  a  few  cards  thus  marked  and  use 
them  in  sending  gifts  from  husband  and 
wife.  As  a  rule,  however,  the  husband's 
card  is  inclosed  in  an  envelop  with  that 
of  his  wife  in  sending  gifts,  regrets,  and 
the  like. 

The  card  of  a  matron  bears  her  hus- 
band's full  name  unless  she  be  a  divorcee, 
thus, — "Mrs.  George  Williams  Brown." 
Even  widows  retain  this  style  of  address. 
In  the  lower  right-hand  corner  is  the  ad- 
dress, and  in  the  lower  left-hand  corner 
one's  "at  home"  days  are  named,  as  "Tues- 
days until  Lent,"  or  "Wednesdays  in 
February  and  March,"  or  "Thursdays  un- 
til May." 

A  young  woman's  cards  bear  her  name, 

14 


CARDS    AND    CALLS 

"Miss  Blank,"  if  she  be  the  oldest  or  only 
daughter  in  the  family.  The  address  on 
her  cards  is  in  the  lower  left-hand  corner. 
If  she  have  an  older  sister  the  card  reads 
"Miss  Mary  Hilton  Blank." 

A  man's  card  is  much  smaller  than  that 
of  a  woman  and  often  has  no  address  on 
it,  unless  it  be  a  business  card,  which  must 
never  be  used  for  social  purposes.  The 
"Mr."  is  put  before  his  signature  as,  "Mr. 
James  John  Smith."  By  the  time  a  boy  is 
eighteen  years  of  age  he  is  considered  old 
enough  to  have  his  cards  marked  with  the 
prefix  "Mr." 

Perhaps  there  is  no  social  obligation 
that  is  more  neglected  and  ignored  than 
that  of  calling  at  proper  times  and  regu- 
lar intervals.  In  the  rush  and  hurry  of 
American  life,  it  is  well-nigh  impossible 
for  the  busy  woman  to  perform  her  duty 
in  this  line  unless  she  have  a  certain  degree 
of  system  about  it.  To  this  end  she  should 
15 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

keep  a  regular  calling-list  or  book,  and 
pay  strict  heed  to  the  debit  and  credit 
columns.  It  will  require  much  manage- 
ment and  thought  to  arrange  her  visits 
so  that  they  will  always  fall  on  the  "  At 
Home"  days  of  her  acquaintances.  When 
a  woman  has  an  "At  Home"  day  it  is  an 
unwarrantable  liberty  for  any  one  to  call 
at  any  other  time  unless  it  be  on  business, 
or  by  special  invitation,  or  permission.  As 
many  women  have  the  same  day  at  home 
one  must  limit  the  length  of  a  call  to  fif- 
teen or  twenty  minutes  upon  a  casual  ac- 
quaintance, never  making  it  longer  than 
half-an-hour  even  at  the  house  of  a  friend. 
Some  persons  seem  to  feel  that  there  is 
a  certain  amount  of  pomp  and  circum- 
stance about  calling  on  an  "At  Home" 
day  and  the  novice  in  society  asks  timidly 
what  she  is  to  do  at  such  a  time.  She  is  to 
do  simply  what  she  would  do  on  any  other 
day  when  she  is  sure  of  finding  her  hostess 
16 


CARDS   AND   CALLS 

in  and  disengaged.  The  caller  hands  her 
card  to  the  servant  opening  the  door ;  then 
enters  the  parlor,  greets  her  hostess,  who 
will  probably  introduce  her  to  any  other 
guests  who  happen  to  be  present,  unless 
there  be  a  large  number  of  these,  in  which 
case  she  will  probably  be  introduced  to  a 
few  in  her  immediate  vicinity.  The  caller 
will  chat  for  a  few  minutes,  take  a  cup 
of  tea,  coffee  or  chocolate  offered  her, 
with  a  biscuit,  sandwich  or  piece  of  cake, 
or  decline  all  refreshment  if  she  prefer. 
At  the  end  of  fifteen  or  twenty  minutes, 
she  will  rise,  say  "Good  Afternoon"  to  her 
hostess,  murmur  a  "Good  Afternoon"  to 
the  company  in  general  and  take  her  de- 
parture. If  her  card  has  not  been  taken 
by  the  servant  who  opened  the  door  for 
her,  our  caller  may  lay  it  on  the  hall  table 
as  she  goes  out. 

When  a  woman  is  at  home  one  day  a 
week  for  several  months,  she  is  expected 
17 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

to  make  very  little  preparation  in  the  way 
of  refreshment  for  her  chance  guests.  The 
tea  tray  is  ready  on  the  tea-table  at  one 
side  of  the  room,  and  upon  it  are  cups  and 
saucers,  tea-pot,  canister,  and  hot  water 
kettle.  A  plate  of  thin  bread-and-butter, 
or  sandwiches,  or  biscuits,  and  another  of 
sweet  wafers  or  fancy  cakes,  stand  on  this 
table.  Sugar  and  cream  and  sliced  lemon 
complete  the  outfit.  The  kettle  is  kept 
boiling  that  fresh  tea  may  be  made  when 
required,  and  a  servant  enters  when  needed 
to  take  out  the  used  cups.  If  there  are 
many  callers,  the  services  of  this  maid 
may  be  required  to  assist  in  passing  cups, 
and  sugar  and  cream.  Otherwise  the  host- 
ess may  attend  to  such  matters  herself, 
chatting  pleasantly  as  she  does  so.  It  is 
not  incumbent  on  a  caller  to  take  any- 
thing to  eat  or  drink  unless  she  wishes  to 
do  this.  When  one  attends  half-a-dozen 
such  "At  Homes"  in  an  afternoon  one 

18 


CARDS    AND    CALLS 

would  have  to  carry  a  bag  like  that  worn 
by  Jack  the  Giant-Killer  of  fairy-lore,  if 
one  were  to  accept  refreshments  at  each 
house.  The  hostess  should,  therefore, 
never  insist  that  a  guest  eat  and  drink  if 
she  has  declined  to  do  so. 

In  calling  on  a  married  woman  a  ma- 
tron leaves  one  of  her  own  cards  and  two 
of  her  husband's.  Her  card  is  for  the 
hostess,  one  of  her  husband's  is  for  the 
hostess  and  the  other  for  the  man  of  the 
house.  If  there  be  several  ladies  in  the 
family,  as  for  instance,  a  mother  and  two 
daughters,  the  caller  leaves  one  of  her 
own  and  one  of  her  husband's  cards  for 
each  woman,  and  an  extra  card  from  her 
husband  for  each  man  of  the  household. 

This  is  the  general  rule,  but  it  must  have 
some  exceptions.  For  instance,  in  a  house- 
hold where  there  are  five  or  six  women  it 
is  ridiculous  to  leave  an  entire  pack  of 
visiting-cards.  In  this  case  a  woman  leaves 
19 


EVERYDAY   ETIQUETTE 

her  card  for  "the  ladies,"  and  leaves  it 
with  her  husband's,  also  for  "the  ladies." 
One  of  his  cards  is  also  left  for  the  man 
of  the  family.  Or  if  there  be  several  men 
it  may  be  left  simply  for  "the  gentle- 


men." 


If  one  knows  that  there  is  a  guest  stay- 
ing at  a  house  at  which  one  calls,  one  must 
send  in  one's  card  for  this  guest.  Or,  if 
one  have  a  friend  staying  in  the  same 
town  with  one,  and  one  calls  on  her,  it  is  a 
breach  of  good  breeding  not  to  inquire  for 
the  friend's  hostess  and  leave  a  card  for 
her  whether  she  appear  or  not. 

Custom  clings  to  the  black-edged  card 
for  those  in  mourning.  It  has  its  uses 
and  surely  its  abuses.  For  those  in  deep 
mourning  it  is  a  convenience  to  send  in 
the  form  of  regrets,  as  the  black  edge 
gives  sufficient  reason  in  itself  for  the  non- 
acceptance  of  invitations.  It  may  also  be 
sent  with  gifts  to  friends.  If  one  uses  it 

20 


CARDS    AND    CALLS 

as  a  calling-card  the  border  should  be  very 
narrow.  If  one  is  in  such  deep  mourning 
that  one's  card  must  appear  with  a  half- 
inch  of  black  around  it,  one  is  certainly 
in  too  deep  mourning  to  pay  calls.  Un- 
til the  black  edge  can  be  reduced  to  the 
less  ostentatious  eighth-of-an-inch  width, 
the  owner  would  do  well  to  shun  society. 

Nor  should  a  black-edged  card  accom- 
pany an  invitation  to  a  social  function. 
Several  seasons  ago  a  matron  introduced 
to  society  in  a  large  city  a  niece  who  had, 
eighteen  months  before,  lost  a  brother. 
With  the  hostess'  invitations  to  the  re- 
ception was  inclosed  the  card  of  the  young 
guest,  and  this  card  had  a  black  border 
an  eighth-of-an-inch  wide.  The  recipients 
of  the  invitations  were  to  be  pardoned  if 
they  wondered  a  bit  at  the  incongruity 
of  a  person  in  mourning  receiving  at  a 
large  party.  Under  the  circumstances  she 
should  have  declined  to  have  the  social 

21 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

function  given  in  her  honor,  or  should 
have  laid  aside  her  insignia  of  dolor. 

If,  then,  one  has  reached  the  point 
where  one  is  ready  to  reenter  society,  let 
one  give  up  the  mourning-cards  and  again 
use  plain  white  bits  of  pasteboard. 

In  calling  at  a  house  after  a  bereave- 
ment, it  is  well,  except  when  the  afflicted 
one  is  an  intimate  friend,  to  leave  the  card 
with  a  message  of  sympathy  at  the  door. 
One  may,  if  one  wishes,  leave  flowers  with 
the  card.  A  fortnight  after  the  funeral 
one  may  call  and  ask  to  see  the  ladies  of 
the  family,  adding  that  if  they  do  not  feel 
like  seeing  callers  they  will  please  not 
think  of  coming  down.  Under  such  cir- 
cumstances only  a  supersensitive  person 
will  be  hurt  by  receiving  the  message  that 
the  ladies  beg  to  be  excused,  and  that  they 
are  grateful  for  the  kind  thought  that 
prompted  the  call. 

The  rule  that  we  have  just  given  ap- 

22 


CARDS    AND    CALLS 

plies  to  the  household  in  which  there  is 
serious  illness.  A  call  may  consist  of  an 
inquiry  at  the  door,  and  leaving  a  card. 
This  may  be  accompanied  by  some  such 
message  as  "Please  express  my  sincere 
hope  that  Mrs.  Smith  will  soon  be  better, 
and  assure  Mr.  Smith  that  if  I  can  be  of 
any  service  to  him,  or  Mrs.  Smith,  I  shall 
be  grateful  if  he  will  let  me  know." 

One  should  always  return  a  first  call 
within  three  weeks  after  it  has  been  made. 
After  a  dinner,  luncheon,  or  card-party,  a 
call  must  be  made  within  a  fortnight.  An 
afternoon  tea  requires  no  "party  call." 
After  a  large  reception  one  may  call 
within  the  month.  After  a  wedding  re- 
ception one  must  call  within  a  fortnight 
on  the  mother  of  the  bride,  and  on  the 
bride  on  her  "At  Home"  day  as  soon  as 
possible  after  her  return  from  the  wed- 
ding trip. 


23 


Ill 

LETTER-WRITING 

The  writing  of  letters,  of  the  good  old- 
fashioned  kind,  is  rapidly  becoming  a 
thing  of  the  past.  People  used  to  write 
epistles.  Now  they  write  notes.  Before 
the  days  of  the  stenographer,  the  type- 
writer, the  telegraph  and  telephone,  when 
people  made  their  own  clothes  by  hand, 
wove  their  own  sheets,  and  had  no  time- 
saving  machines,  they  found  leisure  to 
write  epistles  to  their  friends.  Some  of  us 
are  so  fortunate  as  to  have  stowed  away  in 
an  old  trunk  some  of  these  productions. 
The  ink  is  pale  and  the  paper  yellowed, 
but  the  matter  is  still  interesting.  All  the 
news  of  the  family,  the  neighborhood  gos- 
sip, the  latest  sayings  and  doings  of  the 
children  and  of  callers,  an  account  of  the 

24 


LETTER-WRITING 

books  read,  of  the  minister's  last  sermon, 
and  of  the  arrival  of  the  newest  of 
many  olive  branches,  filled  pages.  What 
must  these  same  pages  have  meant  to  the 
exile  from  home!  And  how  much  there 
was  in  such  letters  to  answer! 

Still,  even  in  this  day  and  generation 
there  are  a  few  people  who  have  so  far 
held  to  the  good  old  traditions  that  they 
write  genuine  letters.  And — wonder  of 
wonders! — they  answer  questions  asked 
them  in  letters  written  by  their  corre- 
spondents. Only  those  who  have  written 
questions  to  which  they  desired  prompt 
answers,  appreciate  how  maddening  it  is 
to  receive  a  letter  which  tells  you  every- 
thing except  the  answers  to  your  queries. 
And  this  ignoring  of  the  epistle  one  is 
supposed  to  be  answering  is  a  feature  of 
the  up-to-date  letter-writer.  There  is, 
even  in  friendly  correspondence,  a  right 
and  a  wrong  way  of  doing  a  thing. 
25 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

The  wrong,  and  well-nigh  universal, 
way  of  treating  a  letter  is  as  follows :  It 
is  read  as  rapidly  as  possible,  pigeon- 
holed, and  forgotten.  Weeks  hence,  in 
clearing  out  the  desk  it  is  found,  the  hand- 
writing recognized,  and  it  is  laid  aside  to 
be  answered  later.  When  that  "later" 
comes  depends  on  the  leisure  of  the 
owner.  At  last  a  so-called  answer  is  has- 
tily written  without  a  second  reading  of 
the  letter  to  which  one  is  replying.  Such  a 
reply  begins  with  an  apology  for  a  long 
and  unavoidable  silence,  an  account  of 
how  cruelly  busy  one  is  nowadays,  a  pass- 
ing mention  of  the  number  of  duties  one 
has  to  perform,  a  wish  that  the  two  corre- 
spondents may  meet  in  the  near  future, 
and  a  rushing  final  sentence  of  affection 
followed  by  the  signature.  Such  is  the 
up-to-date  letter. 

If  a  correspondent  is  worth  having,  she 
is  worth  treating  fairly.  Let  her  letter  be 
26 


LETTER-WRITING 

read  carefully,  and  laid  aside  until  such 
time  as  one  can  have  a  half-hour  of  unin- 
terrupted writing.  Then,  let  the  letter 
one  would  answer  be  read,  and  the  ques- 
tions it  contains  be  answered  in  order,  and 
first  of  all.  This  is  common  courtesy. 
After  which  one  may  write  as  much  as 
time  and  inclination  permit.  If  one  has 
not  the  time  to  conduct  one's  correspond- 
ence in  this  way,  let  one  have  fewer  corre- 
spondents. It  is  more  fair  to  them  and  to 
oneself. 

Colored  letter-paper  is  in  bad  form  un- 
less the  color  be  a  pale  gray  or  a  light 
blue.  From  time  to  time,  stationers  have 
put  upon  the  market  paper  outre  in  de- 
sign and  coloring,  and  the  persons  who 
have  used  it  were  just  what  might  be  ex- 
pected. It  reminds  one  of  what  Richard 
Grant  White  said  of  the  words  "gents" 
and  "pants" — he  noticed  "that  the  one 
generally  wore  the  other."  So,  paper  that 
27 


EVERYDAY   ETIQUETTE 

is  such  bad  form  as  this  is  usually  used  by 
persons  who  are  "bad  form." 

Plain  white  paper  of  good  quality  is  al- 
ways in  fashion.  For  social  correspond- 
ence this  paper  must  be  so  cut  that  it 
is  folded  but  once  to  be  slipped  into  an 
envelop.  At  the  top  of  the  page  in  the 
middle  may  be  the  address,  as  123  West 
Barrows  Street,  and  the  name  of  the  city. 
Just  now,  this  is  the  only  marking  that 
is  used  on  the  sheet,  although  some  per- 
sons have  the  initials  or  monogram,  or 
crest,  in  place  of  the  address.  It  is  no 
longer  fashionable  to  have  the  crest  or 
monogram  and  the  address  also.  Except 
for  business  purposes  the  envelop  is  un- 
marked. 

Letter-heads,  such  as  are  used  for  busi- 
ness correspondence,  should  never  be  used 
for  social  purposes.  Even  the  business 
man  may  keep  in  his  office  desk  a  quire  or 
two  of  plain  paper  upon  which  to  write 
28 


LETTER-WRITING 

society  notes  and  replies  to  invitations. 
Nor  is  it  permissible  for  him  to  use  the 
type-writer  in  inditing  these.  All  his  busi- 
ness correspondence  may  be  conducted 
with  the  aid  of  the  invaluable  machine, 
and  he  may,  if  he  ask  permission  to  do  so, 
send  letters  to  members  of  his  own  family 
on  the  type-writer.  But  all  other  corre- 
spondence should  be  done  with  pen  and 
ink. 

Unfortunately,  mourning  stationery  is 
still  in  vogue,  but  the  recipient  of  a  black- 
edged  letter  is  often  conscious  of  a  dis- 
tinct shock  when  she  first  sees  the  emblem 
of  dolor,  and  wonders  if  it  contains  the 
notice  of  a  death.  For  this  reason  many 
considerate  followers  of  conventionalities 
do  not  use  the  black-edged  stationery,  but 
content  themselves  with  plain  white  paper 
marked  with  the  address  or  monogram  in 
black  lettering. 

A  social  or  friendly  letter  is  frequently 
29 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

dated  at  the  end,  at  the  left-hand  lower 
corner  of  the  signature.  A  business  com- 
munication is  dated  at  the  upper  right- 
hand  corner. 

The  expression  "My  dear  Mr.  Blank" 
is  more  formal  than  is  "Dear  Mr.  Blank," 
and  is,  therefore,  used  in  society  notes. 
Business  letters  addressed  to  a  man  should 
begin  with  the  name  of  the  person  to 
whom  they  are  intended  on  one  line,  the 
salutation  on  the  next,  as:  "Mr.  John 
Smith"  on  the  upper  line,  and  below  this, 
"Dear  Sir."  In  addressing  a  firm  con- 
sisting of  more  than  one  person,  write  the 
name  of  the  firm,  as  "Smith,  Jones  and 
Company,"  then  below,  "Dear  Sirs." 
Never  use  the  salutation  "Gentlemen"  in 
such  a  case. 

It   should  be  unnecessary   to   remind 

women  not  to  preface  their  signatures 

with  the  title  "Mrs."  or  "Miss."    Such  a 

mistake  stamps  one  as  a  vulgarian  or  an 

so 


LETTER-WRITING 

ignoramus.  The  name  in  full  may  be 
signed,  as  :  "Mary  Bacon  Smith."  If 
the  writer  be  a  married  woman,  and  the 
person  to  whom  she  writes  does  not  know 
whether  she  be  married  or  single,  she 
should  write  her  husband's  name  with  the 
preface  "Mrs."  below  her  signature,  or  in 
the  lower  left-hand  corner  of  the  sheet,  as 
("Mrs.  James  Hayes  Smith.") 

To  sign  one's  name  prefaced  by  the  first 
letter  is  no  longer  considered  good  form. 
" J.  Henry  Wells"  should  be  "John  Henry 
Wells."  If  one  would  use  one  initial  let- 
ter instead  of  the  full  name,  let  that  letter 
be  the  middle  initial,  as  "John  H.  Wells," 
or  better  still,  "J.  H.  Wells." 

I  wish  I  could  impress  on  all  follow- 
ers of  good  form  that  a  postal  card  is  a 
solecism  except  when  used  for  business 
purposes.  If  it  is  an  absolute  necessity  to 
send  one  to  a  friend  or  a  member  of  one's 
family,  as,  when  stopping  for  a  moment 

31 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

at  a  railroad  station  one  wishes  to  send  a 
line  home  telling  of  one's  safety  at  the 
present  stage  of  the  journey,  the  sentences 
should  be  short  and  to  the  point,  and  un- 
prefaced by  an  affectionate  salutation. 
All  love-messages  should  be  omitted,  as 
should  the  intimate  termination  that  is  en- 
tirely proper  in  a  sealed  letter.  "Affec- 
tionately" or  "Lovingly"  are  out  of  place 
when  written  upon  a  postal  card.  Expres- 
sions such  as  "God  bless  you!"  or  "I  love 
you,"  or  "Love  to  the  dear  ones,"  are  in 
shockingly  bad  taste  except  under  cover 
of  an  envelop.  A  good  rule  to  impress  on 
those  having  a  penchant  for  the  prevalent 
post-card  is  as  follows:  "Use  only  for 
business,  and  then  only  when  brevity  and 
simplicity  are  the  order  of  the  day;  never 
use  for  friendly  correspondence  unless 
the  purchase  of  a  sheet  of  paper,  envelop 
and  postage  stamp  is  an  impossibility." 
The  friendly  letter  may  be  as  long  as 

32 


LETTER-WRITING 

time  and  inclination  permit.  The  business 
communication  should  be  written  in  as 
few  and  clear  sentences  as  possible.  Some 
one  has  said  that  to  write  a  model  business 
letter  one  should  "begin  in  the  middle  of 
it."  In  other  words,  it  should  be  unpre- 
faced by  any  unnecessary  sentences,  but 
should  begin  immediately  on  the  busi- 
ness in  hand,  continue  and  finish  with  it. 
For  such  letters  "Very  truly  yours"  is  the 
correct  ending,  unless,  as  in  the  case  of  a 
man  or  firm  addressing  a  letter  to  a  per- 
son totally  unknown  to  the  writer,  when 
the  expression  "Respectfully  yours"  may 
be  used. 

Many  people  consider  letters  of  con- 
gratulation and  condolence  the  most  diffi- 
cult to  write.  This  is  because  one  feels 
that  a  certain  kind  of  form  is  necessary 
and  that  conventional  and  stilted  phrases 
are  proper  under  the  circumstances.  This 
is  a  mistake,  for,  going  on  the  almost  un- 
33 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

failing  principle  that  what  comes  from 
the  heart,  goes  to  the  heart,  the  best  form 
to  be  used  toward  those  in  sorrow  or  joy 
is  a  genuine  expression  of  feeling.  If 
you  are  sorry  for  a  friend,  write  to  her 
that  you  are,  and  that  you  are  thinking 
of  her  and  longing  to  help  her.  If  you 
are  happy  in  her  happiness,  say  so  as  cor- 
dially as  words  can  express  it. 

We  can  not  close  this  chapter  on  letter- 
writing  without  a  word  to  the  person  who 
writes  a  letter  asking  a  question  on  his 
own  business,  and  fails  to  inclose  a  stamp. 
This  is  equivalent  to  asking  the  recipient 
on  whom  one  has  no  claim,  to  give  one 
the  time  required  for  writing  an  answer 
to  one's  query,  and  a  two-cent  stamp  as 
well.  When  the  matter  on  which  one 
writes  is  essentially  one's  own  business, 
and  not  that  of  the  person  to  whom  one 
writes  and  from  whom  one  demands  a  re- 
ply, one  should  always  inclose  a  stamp  or 

84 


LETTER-WRITING 

a  self -addressed  and  stamped  envelop, 
thus  making  the  favor  one  asks  of  the 
least  possible  trouble  to  one's  correspond- 
ent. 

In  all  business  and  society  correspond- 
ence a  letter  should  be  answered  as  soon  as 
possible  after  it  is  received.  One  may  af- 
ford to  take  a  certain  amount  of  liberty 
with  one's  friends,  and  lay  aside  a  letter 
for  some  days  before  answering  it.  But 
the  acceptance  or  declinature  of  an  invita- 
tion, and  the  answer  to  a  business  com- 
munication, should  be  sent  with  as  little 
delay  as  possible. 


IV 

"FUNCTIONS" 

In  former  chapters  some  of  the  laws 
governing  various  social  affairs  have  been 
touched  on,  but  it  may  not  be  amiss  to 

«•• 

repeat  some  of  them  under  the  heading  of 
"Functions."  Directions  for  invitations 
to  most  of  these  "occasions,"  "affairs,"  or 
by  whatsoever  name  they  are  known,  have 
been  given  in  the  chapter  on  "Sending 
and  Receiving  Invitations."  We  will  not 
touch  on  that  subject  in  this. 

One  of  the  most  formal  of  entertain- 
ments, a  dinner-party,  demands  that  the 
guest  be  not  more  than  ten  minutes  early, 
and  not  a  half -minute  behind  the  time 
mentioned  in  the  invitation.  The  servant 
at  the  door  directs  the  women  to  their 
dressing-room,  the  men  to  theirs.  In  the 
36 


"FUNCTIONS" 

dressing-room  the  women  leave  their 
wraps,  but  do  not  remove  their  gloves. 
Each  woman,  accompanied  by  her  escort, 
descends  to  the  drawing-room,  greets  the 
hosts,  and  the  man  who  is  to  take  her  out 
to  dinner  is  then  introduced  to  her.  All 
chat  pleasantly  until  dinner  is  announced. 
Then  the  host  offers  his  arm  to  the  femi- 
nine guest  of  honor,  who  is  to  sit  on  his 
right,  and  the  hostess  takes  the  arm  of  the 
man  who  is  to  sit  on  her  right-hand.  The 
host  goes  first  with  his  partner,  followed 
by  the  other  couples,  the  hostess  and  her 
escort  bringing  up  the  rear.  When  the 
women  are  seated,  the  men  sit  down,  the 
host  waiting  until  all  the  guests  have 
taken  their  chairs  before  he  takes  his. 

There  has  been  much  discussion  as  to 
who  shall  be  served  first  at  a  large  dinner. 
The  latest  verdict  is,  according  to  some 
authorities,  that  each  dish  shall  be  first 
passed  to  the  hostess,  that  she  may  show 
87 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

by  helping  herself  just  how  any  viand 
that  may  be  an  innovation  is  to  be  served. 
For  this  reason  the  custom  has  its  advan- 
tages, especially  in  the  eyes  of  those  un- 
accustomed to  large  dinners  and  new 
dishes.  Still  many  people  continue  to 
prefer  the  old-fashioned  method  of  pass- 
ing each  article  first  to  the  guest  at  the 
right  of  the  host.  If  there  be  two  ser- 
vants, as  at  a  large  dinner,  the  second  ser- 
vant begins  his  tour  about  the  table  by  of- 
fering his  dish  to  the  guest  at  the  right  of 
the  hostess. 

Where  there  are  many  courses  a  guest 
may,  if  he  wish,  sometimes  decline  one  or 
more  of  these.  He  may  also  show  by  a 
gesture  that  he  will  not  take  wine,  or,  if 
his  glasses  are  filled,  he  may  simply  lift 
them  to  his  lips,  taste  the  contents,  then 
drink  no  more.  As  a  glass  will  be  filled  as 
soon  as  emptied,  the  guest  may  say  in  a 
low  voice,  "No  more,  please !"  when  he  has 

38 


"FUNCTIONS0 

had  enough.  None  of  these  refusals 
should  be  so  marked  as  to  attract  the  at- 
tention of  his  entertainers. 

It  should  not  be  necessary  to  give  par- 
ticular directions  as  to  how  one  should  con- 
duct oneself  at  a  dinner.  After  the  ladies 
have  removed  their  gloves  and  the  dinner- 
roll  or  slice  of  bread  has  been  taken  from 
the  folded  napkin  and  the  napkin  laid  in 
the  lap,  the  dinner  conducts  itself.  The 
chapter  headed  "At  Table"  will  answer 
any  doubtful  questions  as  to  the  manner 
of  eating  at  home  or  abroad. 

After  the  dinner  is  ended,  the  hostess 
gives  a  slight  signal,  or  makes  the  move  to 
rise.  The  gentlemen  stand  while  the  ladies 
pass  out  of  the  room,  then  sit  down  again 
for  their  cigars,  coffee  and  liquors.  Cof- 
fee and  cordials  are  served  to  the  ladies  in 
the  drawing-room,  where  they  are  later 
joined  by  the  gentlemen. 

When  the  time  for  departure  ap- 
39 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

preaches  it  is  the  place  of  the  woman  who 
goes  first  to  rise,  motion  to  her  husband, 
and  then  as  soon  as  she  and  he  have  said 
good  night  to  the  host  and  hostess,  they 
bow  to  the  other  guests,  and  retire  to  the 
dressing-rooms.  After  this  they  go  di- 
rectly from  the  house,  not  entering  the 
drawing-room  again. 

In  'saying  good  night  it  is  perfectly 
proper,  extremists  to  the  contrary  not- 
withstanding, to  thank  the  entertainers  for 
a  pleasant  evening.  Such  thanks  need  not 
be  profuse,  but  may  be  simply — "Good 
night,  and  many  thanks  for  a  delightful 
evening!"  or  "It  is  hard  to  leave,  we  have 
had  such  a  pleasant  time!"  One  need 
never  be  afraid  to  let  one's  hosts  know 
that  the  time  spent  in  their  presence  has 
passed  delightfully. 

The  rules  that  apply  to  a  dinner  hold 
good  at  a  luncheon,  to  which  function 
ladies  only  are  usually  invited,  although 

40 


"FUNCTIONS" 

when  served  at  twelve  o'clock,  and  called 
"Breakfast,"  men  are  also  bidden. 

At  a  luncheon  the  women  leave  their 
coats  in  the  dressing-room,  wearing  their 
hats  and  gloves  to  the  table.  The  gloves 
are  drawn  off  as  soon  as  all  are  seated. 

At  an  evening  reception,  the  guests  as- 
cend to  the  dressing-rooms,  if  they  wish, 
or  may  leave  wraps  in  the  hall,  if  a  servant 
be  there  to  take  them.  When  one  comes  in 
a  carriage  with  only  an  opera  wrap  over 
a  reception  gown,  it  is  hardly  worth  while 
to  mount  the  stairs.  But  this  must  be  de- 
cided by  the  arrangements  made  by  the 
entertainers.  Before  one  enters  the  draw- 
ing-room one  deposits  one's  cards  on  the 
salver  on  the  hall  table.  If  there  be  a 
servant  announcing  guests  the  new  ar- 
rival gives  his  name  clearly  and  distinctly 
to  this  functionary,  who  repeats  it  in  such 
a  tone  that  those  receiving  may  hear  it. 
The  guest  enters  the  parlors  at  this  mo- 
41 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

ment,  proceeds  directly  to  his  hostess,  and 
after  greeting  her,  speaks  with  each  per- 
son receiving  with  her.  He  then  passes 
on  and  mingles  with  the  rest  of  the  com- 
pany. 

An  afternoon  reception  is  conducted  in 
the  same  manner,  the  only  difference  be- 
ing that,  at  an  evening  function  refresh- 
ments are  more  elaborate  than  at  an  after- 
noon affair,  and  the  guests  frequently 
repair  to  the  dining-room,  if  this  be  large. 
At  some  day  receptions,  this  is  also  done, 
but  at  a  tea  refreshments  are  usually 
passed  in  the  drawing-rooms. 

The  "coming-out"  party  or  reception, 
at  which  the  debutante  makes  her  entrance 
on  the  world  of  society,  is  conducted  as 
is  any  other  reception,  but  the  debutante 
stands  by  her  mother  and  receives  with 
her.  Each  guest  speaks  some  pleasant 
word  of  congratulation  on  shaking  hands 
with  the  girl.  Her  dress  should  be  exqui- 

42 


"FUNCTIONS" 

site,  and  she  should  carry  flowers.  These 
flowers  are  usually  sent  to  her.  When 
more  are  received  than  she  can  carry,  they 
are  placed  about  the  room.  If  the  com- 
ing-out party  be  in  the  evening,  it  is 
often  followed  by  a  dance  for  the  young 
people. 

In  sending  out  invitations  for  such  an 
affair,  the  daughter's  card  is  inclosed  with 
that  of  the  mother. 

One  may  leave  such  a  function  as  has 
just  been  described  as  soon  as  one  likes, 
and  may  take  refreshments  or  not  as  one 
wishes.  Just  before  departing  the  guest 
says  good  night  to  his  hosts,  then  leaves. 

The  hour  at  which  one  goes  to  a  recep- 
tion may  be  at  any  time  between  the  hours 
named  on  the  cards  issued.  One  should 
never  go  too  early,  or,  if  it  can  be  avoided, 
on  the  stroke  of  the  first  hour  mentioned. 
If  the  cards  read  "from  half-after  eight 
to  eleven  o'clock,"  any  time  after  nine 

48 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

o'clock  will  be  proper  and  one  will  then  be 
pretty  sure  not  to  be  the  first  arrival  of 
the  company. 

A  card-party  is  a  function  at  which  one 
should  arrive  with  reasonable  promptness. 
If  the  invitations  call  for  eight-thirty,  one 
must  try  not  to  be  more  than  fifteen  or 
twenty  minutes  late,  as  the  starting  of  the 
game  will  be  thus  delayed  and  the  hostess 
inconvenienced.  After  the  game  is  ended, 
refreshments  are  served,  and  as  soon  after 
that  as  one  pleases  one  may  take  one's  de- 
parture. 

The  same  rule  of  promptness  applies  to 
a  musicale.  After  greeting  the  hostess, 
guests  take  the  seats  assigned  to  them,  and 
chat  with  those  persons  near  them  until 
the  musical  performance  begins.  During 
the  music  not  a  word  should  be  spoken.  If 
one  has  no  love  for  music,  let  consideration 
for  others  cause  one  to  be  silent.  If  this 
is  impossible,  it  is  less  unkind  to  send  a 

44 


"FUNCTIONS" 

regret  than  to  attend  and  by  so  doing  mar 
others'  enjoyment  of  a  musical  feast. 

At  a  ball  or  large  dance,  one  may  arrive 
when  one  wishes.  The  ladies  are  shown  to 
the  dressing-room,  then  meet  their  escorts 
at  the  head  of  the  stairs  and  descend  to  the 
drawing-rooms  or  dance-hall.  Here  the 
host  and  hostess  greet  one,  after  which  one 
mingles  with  the  company. 

At  a  formal  dance,  programs  or  orders 
of  dance  are  provided,  each  man  and  each 
woman  receiving  one  as  he  or  she  leaves 
the  dressing-room  or  enters  the  drawing- 
room.  Upon  this  card  a  woman  has  in- 
scribed the  names  of  the  various  men  who 
ask  for  dances.  As  each  man  approaches 
her  with  the  request  that  he  be  given  a 
dance,  she  hands  him  her  card  and  he 
writes  his  name  on  it,  then  writes  her  name 
on  the  corresponding  blank  on  his  own 
card.  As  he  returns  her  program  to  her 
the  man  should  say  "Thank  you!"  The 

45 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

woman  may  bow  slightly  and  smile  or  re- 
peat the  same  words. 

No  woman  versed  in  the  ways  of  polite 
society  will  give  a  dance  promised  to  one 
man  to  another,  unless  the  first  man  be  so 
crassly  ignorant  or  careless  as  to  neglect 
to  come  for  it.  Should  a  man  be  guilty  of 
this  rudeness  he  can  only  humbly  apolo- 
gize and  explain  his  mistake,  begging  to 
be  taken  again  into  favor.  If  he  be  sin- 
cere the  woman  must,  by  the  laws  of  good 
breeding,  consent  to  overlook  his  lapse,  but 
she  need  not  give  him  the  next  dance  he 
asks  for  unless  she  believes  him  to  be  ex- 
cusable. 

The  hostess  at  a  dance  must  deny  her- 
self all  dancing,  unless  her  guests  are 
provided  with  partners — or,  at  least,  she 
should  not  dance  during  the  first  part  of 
the  evening  if  other  women  are  unsup- 
plied  with  partners.  At  a  large  ball  the 
hostess  frequently  has  a  floor  committee 

46 


"FUNCTIONS" 

of  her  men  friends  to  see  that  sets  are 
formed  and  that  partners  are  provided 
for  comparative  strangers.  No  hirelings 
will  do  this  so  skilfully  or  with  so  much 
tact  as  will  the  personal  friends  of  the  en- 
tertainers. 

A  young  girl  may,  after  a  dance,  ask  to 
be  taken  to  her  chaperon,  or  to  some  other 
friend.  She  should,  soon  after  the  dance 
given  to  one  man,  dismiss  him  pleasantly, 
that  he  may  ascertain  the  whereabouts  of 
his  next  partner  before  the  beginning  of 
the  next  dance. 

The  etiquette  governing  weddings  and 
wedding-receptions  will  be  explained  in 
the  chapters  on  "Weddings." 

In  our  foremothers'  day  the  publicity 
of  the  declared  engagement  was  a  thing 
unknown.  Now,  the  behavior  of  the  af- 
fianced pair  and  what  is  due  to  them  from 
society  deserve  a  page  of  their  own. 

Perhaps  the  most  ill-at-ease  couple  are 
47 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

the  newly-married,  but  the  engaged 
couple  presses  them  hard  in  this  line.  To 
behave  well  under  the  trying  conditions 
attendant  upon  a  recently-announced  en- 
gagement demands  tact  and  unselfishness. 
It  should  not  be  necessary  to  remind  any 
well-bred  girl  or  man  that  public  exhibi- 
tions of  affection  are  vulgar,  or  that  self- 
absorption,  or  absorption  in  each  other,  is 
in  wretched  taste.  The  girl  should  act  to- 
ward her  betrothed  in  company  as  if  he 
were  her  brother  or  any  intimate  man- 
friend,  avoiding  all  low-voiced  or  seem- 
ingly confidential  conversation.  The  man, 
while  attentive  to  every  want  and  wish  of 
the  woman  he  loves,  must  still  mingle  with 
others  and  talk  with  them,  forcing  him- 
self, if  necessary,  to  recollect  that  there 
are  other  women  in  the  world  besides  the 
one  of  his  choice.  The  fact  that  romantic 
young  people  and  critical  older  ones  are 
watching  the  behavior  of  the  newly-en- 

48 


"FUNCTIONS" 

gaged  pair  and  commenting  mentally 
thereon,  is  naturally  a  source  of  embar- 
rassment to  those  most  nearly  concerned 
in  the  matter.  But  let  each  remember  that 
people  are  becoming  engaged  each  hour, 
that  no  strange  outward  transformation 
has  come  over  them,  and  that  all  evidences 
of  the  marvelous  change  which  each  may 
feel  has  transformed  life  for  him  or  her 
may  be  shown  when  they  are  in  private. 
If  they  love  each  other,  their  happiness  is 
too  sacred  a  thing  to  be  dragged  forth  for 
public  view. 

It  is  customary,  when  an  engagement  is 
announced,  for  the  friends  of  the  happy 
girl  to  send  her  flowers,  or  some  dainty  be- 
trothal gift.  She  must  acknowledge  each 
of  these  by  a  note  of  thanks  and  apprecia- 
tion. 

It  is  not  good  form  for  a  girl  to  an- 
nounce her  own  engagement,  except  to  her 
own  family  and  dear  friends.  A  friend 
49 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

of  the  family  may  do  this,  either  at  a 
luncheon  or  party  given  for  this  purpose, 
or  by  mentioning  it  to  the  persons  who  will 
be  interested  in  the  pleasant  news.  When 
a  girl  is  congratulated,  she  should  smile 
frankly  and  say  "Thank  you!"  She 
should  drill  herself  not  to  appear  uncom- 
fortably embarrassed.  The  same  rule  ap- 
plies to  the  happy  man. 

The  conventional  diamond  solitaire  ring 
is  not  worn  until  the  engagement  is  an- 
nounced. 

The  happily  married  as  a  rule  consider 
the  Great  Event  of  their  lives  of  sufficient 
interest  to  the  world-at-large  to  be  com- 
memorated by  yearly  festivities. 

Cards  for  wedding  anniversaries  bear 
the  names  of  the  married  pair,  the  hours 
of  the  reception  to  be  given  and  the  two 
dates,  thus: 

June  15, 1880 June  15, 1905. 

50 


"FUNCTIONS" 

If  the  anniversary  be  the  Silver  Wed- 
ding the  script  may  be  in  silver;  if  a 
Golden  Wedding,  in  gilt.  Wooden  Wed- 
ding invitations,  engraved,  or  written  on 
paper  in  close  imitation  of  birch  bark,  are 
pretty.  At  one  such  affair  all  decorations 
were  of  shavings,  and  the  refreshments 
were  served  on  wooden  plates.  At  a  tin 
wedding,  tin-ware  was  used  extensively, 
even  the  punch  being  taken  from  small 
tin  cups  and  dippers. 

The  reception  is  usually  held  in  the 
evening,  and  husband  and  wife  receive  to- 
gether, and,  if  refreshments  are  served  at 
tables,  they  sit  side  by  side.  It  is  proper 
to  send  an  anniversary  present  suitable  to 
the  occasion.  Such  a  gift  is  accompanied 
by  a  card  bearing  the  name  of  the  sender, 
and  the  word  "Congratulations."  It  is 
customary  to  send  such  a  gift  only  a  day 
or  two  before  the  celebration  of  the  anni- 
versary. 

51 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

An  anniversary  reception  is  just  like  a 
reception  given  at  any  other  time,  and 
rules  for  conducting  such  an  one  apply  to 
this  affair. 

In  close  sequence  to  weddings  and  wed- 
ding anniversaries  we  give  a  few  general 
directions  for  the  conduct  of  christening- 
parties. 

As  the  small  infant  is  supposed  to  be 
asleep  early  in  the  evening,  it  is  well,  when 
possible,  to  have  the  christening  ceremony 
in  the  morning  or  afternoon.  As  it  is  not 
always  convenient  for  the  business  men 
of  the  family  to  get  off  in  the  day-time  on 
week  days,  Sunday  afternoon  is  often 
chosen  for  such  an  affair.  Whether  the 
celebration  be  in  the  daytime,  or  at  night, 
the  modus  operandi  is  about  the  same. 

Every  prayer-book  contains  a  descrip- 
tion of  the  duties  of  godfathers  and  god- 
mothers, if  one  belongs  to  a  church  having 
such.  If  not,  the  father  holds  the  child, 

52 


"FUNCTIONS" 

and  the  father  and  mother  take  upon  them 
the  vows  of  the  church  to  which  they  be- 
long. The  baby,  clothed  in  flowing  robes, 
is  a  passive  participant  in  the  ceremony. 
After  the  religious  service  the  little  one 
is  passed  about  among  the  guests,  and  is 
then  taken  by  the  nurse  to  the  upper 
regions,  while  those  assembled  in  his  honor 
regale  the  inner  man  with  refreshments 
provided  for  the  occasion. 

The  godfather  and  godmother  make 
a  gift  to  the  child — usually  some  piece  of 
silver  or  jewelry.  This  is  displayed  on  a 
table  in  the  drawing-room  with  any  other 
presents  that  the  invited  guests  may  bring 
or  send.  It  is  the  proper  thing  for  the 
guests  to  congratulate  the  parents  on  the 
acquisition  to  the  family  and  to  wish  the 
child  health  and  happiness. 

Handsome  calling  gowns  are  en  regie 
at  a  christening,  unless  it  be  an  unusually 
elaborate  evening  affair. 

53 


THE  HOME  WEDDING 

To  a  home  wedding,  invitations  may  be 
issued  two  weeks  in  advance.  Their  style 
depends  upon  how  formal  the  function 
is  to  be.  If  a  quiet  family  affair,  the 
notes  of  invitation  may  be  written  in  the 
first  person  by  the  bride's  mother,  as : 

"My  Dear  Mary: 

Helen  and  Mr.  Jones  are  to  be  married 
on  Wednesday,  October  the  thirteenth,  at 
four  o'clock.  The  marriage  will  be  very 
quiet,  with  none  but  the  family  and  most 
intimate  friends  present.  We  hope  that 
you  will  be  of  that  number.  Helen  sends 
her  love  and  begs  that  you  will  come  to  see 
her  married. 

Faithfully  yours, 

Joanna  Smith." 

This  kind  of  note  is,  of  course,  only 
permissible  for  the  most  informal  affairs. 
14 


THE    HOME    WEDDING 

For   the   usual   home    marriage,    cards, 
which  read  as  follows,  may  be  issued : 

"Mr.  and  Mrs.  Nelson  Brown  request 
the  pleasure  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Blank's 
company  at  the  marriage  of  their 
daughter  on  the  afternoon  of  Wednesday, 
the  thirteenth  of  October,  at  four  o'clock, 
at  One  hundred  and  forty-four  Madison 
Square,  Boston." 

Or  the  invitations  may  read : 

"Mr.  and  Mrs.  Nelson  Brown  request 
the  pleasure  of  your  company  at  the  mar- 
riage of  their  daughter,  Helen  Adams,  to 
Mr.  Charles  Sprague,  on  Tuesday  after- 
noon, October  the  thirteenth,  at  four 
o'clock." 

"R.  s.  v.  p."  may  be  added  if  desired. 

(Rules  regulating  the  answers  to  wed- 
ding invitations  will  be  found  in  the  chap- 
ter on  "Invitations,"  those  with  regard  to 
wedding  gifts,  in  the  chapter — "Making 
and  Receiving  Gifts.") 

At  a  home  wedding,  the  bride  often  has 

55 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

but  one  girl  attendant,  and  that  one  is  the 
maid  of  honor.  The  bride  tells  her  what 
kind  of  dress  she  wishes  her  to  wear,  and 
the  groom  provides  her  bouquet  for  her. 
He  also  sends  the  bride  her  bouquet. 

Right  here  it  may  be  well  to  state  that, 
for  a  wedding,  the  expenses  of  the  groom 
are  the  flowers  for  the  bride  and  her  maid 
of  honor  or  bridesmaids,  the  carriage  in 
which  he  takes  his  bride  to  the  train,  the 
carriages  for  best  man  and  ushers,  and  the 
clergyman's  fee.  Besides  this,  he  usually 
provides  his  ushers  and  best  man  with  a 
scarf-pin.  In  some  cases  he  gives  these 
attendants  also  their  gloves  and  ties; 
sometimes  he  does  not.  The  bride's 
family  pays  all  other  expenses,  including 
the  decorating  of  the  house,  the  invitations 
and  announcement  cards  and  the  caterer. 
If  guests  from  a  distance  are  to  be  met  at 
the  train  by  carriages,  the  bride's  father 
pays  for  these. 

56 


THE    HOME    WEDDING 

We  will  suppose  that  at  the  house  wed- 
ding with  which  we  have  to  do  the  only  at- 
tendants are  the  best  man,  two  ushers  and 
the  maid  of  honor,  and  that  the  ceremony 
is  at  high  noon,  or  twelve  o'clock. 

The  matter  of  lights  at  this  function  is 
largely  a  question  of  taste.  If  the  day  be 
brilliantly  clear,  it  seems  a  pity  to  shut  the 
glorious  sunshine  from  the  house.  There- 
fore many  brides  decline  to  have  the  cur- 
tains drawn  at  the  noon  hour,  thus  shut- 
ting out  the  sun's  rays.  Many  persons 
prefer  the  light  from  shaded  lamps  and 
candles,  as  being  more  becoming  than  the 
glare  of  day. 

The  wedding-breakfast  is  provided  by  a 
caterer  always  when  such  a  thing  is  pos- 
sible. It  may  consist  of  iced  or  jellied 
bouillon,  lobster  cutlets,  chicken  pates,  a 
salad,  with  cakes,  ices  and  coffee.  This 
menu  can  be  added  to  or  elaborated,  as  in- 
clination may  dictate.  Sweetbread  pates 
57 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

may  take  the  place  of  the  chicken  pates.  A 
frozen  punch  may  take  the  place  of  the 
ordinary  ices,  and,  if  one  wish,  a  game 
course  be  introduced.  A  heavy  breakfast 
is,  however,  a  tedious  and  unnecessary  af- 
fair. 

The  bride's  dress,  if  she  be  a  young  girl, 
must  be  white,  with  a  veil.  A  train  is  ad- 
visable, as  it  adds  elegance  and  dignity 
to  the  costume.  The  waist  is  made  with  a 
high  neck  and  long  sleeves,  and  white 
gloves  are  worn.  The  veil  is  turned  back 
from  the  face  and  reaches  to  the  bottom 
of  the  train  where  it  is  held  in  place  by 
several  pearl-headed  pins.  A  single  fold 
of  tulle  hangs  over  the  face,  being  sep- 
arate from  the  main  veil.  This  is  thrown 
back  after  the  ceremony. 

The  groom  wears  a  black  frock  coat, 
gray  trousers,  white  waistcoat,  white  tie, 
light  gray  or  pearl  gloves,  and  patent 
leather  shoes.  His  ushers  dress  in  much 

58 


THE    HOME    WEDDING 

the  same  fashion,  although  white  waist- 
coats are  not  essential  in  their  case. 

The  maid  of  honor  wears  a  gown  of 
white  or  very  light  color,  with  a  slight 
train,  and  a  picture  hat,  or  not,  as  she 
wishes.  When  becoming,  an  entire  cos- 
tume of  pale  pink,  with  a  large  hat 
trimmed  with  long  plumes  of  the  same 
shade,  is  very  striking.  The  bouquet  car- 
ried by  the  bridesmaid  will  harmonize  with 
the  color  of  her  gown.  Of  course,  the 
bride's  bouquet  will  be  white,  and  is  usu- 
ally composed  of  her  favorite  blossoms. 

The  old  fashion  of  ripping  the  third 
finger  of  the  bride's  left-hand  glove,  so 
that  this  finger  might  be  slipped  off  for 
the  adjusting  of  the  ring,  is  no  longer  in 
vogue.  Instead  of  this  the  left-hand  glove 
is  removed  entirely  at  that  part  of  the 
ceremony  when  the  ring  is  placed  on  the 
bride's  finger  by  the  groom. 

At  a  house  wedding  the  guests  assem- 
59 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

ble  near  the  hour  named,  leave  their  wraps 
in  the  dressing-rooms,  then  wait  in  the 
drawing-room  for  the  wedding.  The 
whole  parlor-floor  is  decorated  with  natu- 
ral flowers,  garlands  of  these  being 
twisted  about  the  balustrades,  and  making 
a  bower  of  the  room  in  which  the  marriage 
is  to  take  place.  If  one  can  afford  to  do 
so,  it  is  best  to  leave  the  matter  of  floral 
decorations  to  an  experienced  florist,  but 
if  one  can  not  afford  this  luxury,  friends 
may  decorate  the  rooms.  A  screen  of 
green,  dotted  with  flowers,  may  stand  at 
the  end  of  the  room  in  which  the  marriage 
is  to  be  solemnized,  and  an  arch  of  flowers 
is  thrown  over  this.  Within  this  arch  the 
clergyman,  the  groom,  and  the  best  man 
may  await  the  arrival  of  the  wedding 
guests,  as  the  wedding  march  begins. 

The  portieres  shutting  off  the  drawing- 
room  from  the  hall  are  closed  when  the 
time  arrives  for  the  bridal  party  to  de- 
60 


THE    HOME    WEDDING 

scend  the  stairs,  and  as  they  reach  the  hall 
the  strains  of  the  wedding  march  sound. 

One  word  as  to  the  orchestra.  This 
should  be  stationed  at  such  a  distance  from 
the  clergyman  and  bridal  party  that  its 
strains  will  not  drown  the  words  of  the 
service.  Since  Fashion  decrees  that  music 
should  be  played  during  the  service,  it 
should  be  so  soft  and  low  that  it  accentu- 
ates, rather  than  muffles  the  voices  of  the 
participants  in  the  ceremony.  Loud 
strains  detract  from  the  impressiveness  of 
the  occasion,  and  cause  a  feeling  of  irri- 
tation to  the  persons  who  would  not 
miss  a  single  word  of  the  solemn  serv- 
ice. 

Through  the  door  at  the  opposite  end 
of  the  room  from  that  in  which  the  groom 
stands,  enters  the  wedding  procession. 
The  two  ushers  come  first,  having  a  mo- 
ment or  two  before  marked  off  the  aisle, 
by  stretching  two  lengths  of  white  satin 
61 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

ribbon  from  end  to  end  of  the  room.  Fol- 
lowing the  ushers  walks  the  bridesmaid 
alone,  and,  after  her,  on  the  arm  of  her 
father,  comes  the  bride.  At  the  impro- 
vised altar,  or  at  the  cushions  upon  which 
the  bridal  couple  are  to  kneel,  the  ushers 
separate,  one  going  to  each  side.  The 
maid  of  honor  moves  to  the  left  of  the 
bride,  and  the  father  lays  the  bride's  hand 
in  the  hand  of  the  groom,  then  stands  a 
little  in  the  rear  until  he  gives  her  away, 
after  which  point  in  the  ceremony  he  steps 
back  among  the  guests,  or  at  one  side, 
apart  from  the  bridal  group.  The  best 
man  stands  on  the  groom's  left.  It  is  he 
who  gives  the  ring  to  the  clergyman,  who 
hands  it  to  the  groom,  who  places  it  on  the 
finger  of  the  bride. 

When  the  ring  is  to  be  put  on,  the  bride 

hands  her  bouquet  to  the  maid  of  honor, 

and  draws  off  her  left-hand  glove,  giving 

that  also  to  the  maid  of  honor,  who  holds 

62 


THE    HOME    WEDDING 

both  until  after  the  benediction.  After 
congratulating  the  newly-wedded  pair, 
the  clergyman  gives  them  his  place,  and 
they  stand,  facing  the  company,  to  receive 
congratulations.  The  bride's  mother 
should  have  been  in  the  parlor  to  receive 
the  guests  as  they  arrived,  and  during  the 
ceremony  stands  at  the  end  of  the  room 
near  the  bridal  party.  She  should  be  the 
first  to  congratulate  the  happy  couple,  the 
groom's  parents  following  those  of  the 
bride.  The  maid  of  honor  stands  by  the 
bride  while  she  receives. 

After  congratulations  have  been  ex- 
tended, the  wedding-breakfast  is  served 
at  little  tables  placed  about  the  various 
rooms.  The  bride  and  her  party  may,  if 
desired,  have  a  table  to  themselves,  and 
upon  this  may  be  a  wedding-cake,  to  be 
cut  by  the  bride.  This  is  not  essential  and 
has,  of  late  years,  been  largely  superseded 
by  the  squares  of  wedding-cake,  packed  in 
68 


dainty  boxes,  one  of  which  is  handed  to 
each  guest  on  leaving. 

When  the  time  comes  for  the  bride  to 
change  her  dress  she  slips  quietly  from  the 
room,  accompanied  by  her  maid  of  honor. 
The  groom  goes  to  an  apartment  assigned 
to  him  and  his  best  man  to  put  on  his  trav- 
eling suit.  Later,  the  maid  of  honor  may 
come  down  and  tell  the  bride's  mother  in 
an  "aside"  that  she  may  now  go  up  and 
bid  her  daughter  good-by  in  the  privacy 
of  her  own  room.  Afterward  the  young 
husband  and  wife  descend  the  stairs  to- 
gether, say  good-by  in  general  to  the 
friends  awaiting  them  in  the  lower  hall, 
and  drive  off,  generally,  one  regrets  to 
say,  amid  showers  of  rice. 

I  would  say  just  here  that  the  playing 
of  practical  jokes  on  a  bridal  pair  is  a 
form  of  pleasantry  that  should  be  con- 
fined to  classes  whose  intellects  have  not 
been  cultivated  above  the  appreciation 

64 


THE    HOME    WEDDING 

of  such  coarse  fun.  To  tie  a  white 
satin  bow  on  the  trunk  of  the  so-called 
happy  pair  so  that  all  passengers  may  take 
note  of  them,  is  hardly  kind.  But  this  is 
refined  jesting  compared  to  some  of  the 
deeds  done.  A  few  weeks  ago  the  papers 
gave  an  account  of  a  groomsman  who 
slipped  handcuffs  upon  the  wrists  of  bride 
and  groom,  then  lost  the  key,  and  the  em- 
barrassed couple  had  to  wait  for  their 
train,  chained  together,  until  a  file  could 
be  procured,  by  which  time  their  train  had 
left.  Such  forms  of  buffoonery  may  be 
diverting  to  the  perpetrator;  they  cer- 
tainly are  not  amusing  to  the  sufferers. 


65 


VI 

THE   CHURCH   WEDDING 

There  is  about  a  church  wedding  a  for- 
mality that  is  dispensed  with  at  a  home 
ceremony.  The  cards  of  invitation  may 
be  engraved  in  the  same  form  as  those  de- 
scribed in  the  last  chapter,  but  the  church 
at  which  the  marriage  is  to  take  place  is 
mentioned  instead  of  the  residence  of  the 
bride's  parents.  If  in  a  large  city  where 
curiosity  seekers  are  likely  to  crowd  into 
the  edifice,  it  is  customary  to  inclose  with 
the  card  of  invitation  a  small  card  to  be 
presented  at  the  door.  Only  bearers  of 
these  bits  of  pasteboard  are  admitted. 
With  the  invitations  may  be  cards  for  the 
reception  or  the  wedding-breakfast  to  fol- 
low the  ceremony.  These  cards  demand 
acceptances  or  regrets. 
66 


THE    CHURCH    WEDDING 

The  matter  of  wedding  gifts  will  be 
dealt  with  in  the  chapter  on  gifts  in  gen- 
eral. 

The  decorations  for  a  church  wedding 
are  elaborate.  As  a  rule,  one  color-scheme 
is  chosen,  and  carried  out  through  all  the 
arrangements.  For  example,  the  coloring 
is  pink  and  white,  and  if  the  wedding  is  in 
the  autumn,  chrysanthemums  can  be  the 
chosen  flowers,  if  in  the  summer,  roses. 
The  matter  of  decorations  is  usually  put 
into  the  hands  of  a  florist. 

White  satin  ribbon  is  stretched  across 
the  pews  to  be  occupied  by  the  members  of 
the  two  families  and  to  these  pews  the 
destined  occupants  are  conducted  by  the 
ushers  a  short  time  before  the  bridal  party 
enters  the  edifice. 

At  a  large  and  elaborate  wedding  six 
or  eight  ushers  are  often  needed.  Besides 
these  there  is  an  equal  number  of  brides- 
maids, a  maid  of  honor  and  a  best  man. 
67 


EVERYDAY   ETIQUETTE 

The  best  man,  the  groom,  and  the  clergy- 
man enter  the  church  by  the  vestry  door, 
and  await  at  the  altar  the  coming  of  the 
bride  and  her  attendants.  The  organ, 
which  has  been  playing  for  some  moments, 
announces  the  arrival  of  the  wedding 
party  by  the  opening  strains  of  the  wed- 
ding march. 

When  the  carriages  containing  the 
party  arrive  at  the  church  door  the  ushers 
go  down  the  canopy-covered  walk  and 
help  the  girls  to  alight,  convey  them  into 
the  vestibule,  and  close  the  outer  doors  of 
the  church  while  the  procession  forms. 
Then  the  inside  doors  are  thrown  open  and 
as  the  organ  peals  forth  the  wedding 
march,  the  procession  passes  up  the  aisle 
with  the  painfully  slow  walk  that  Fashion 
decrees  as  the  proper  gait  for  funerals 
and  weddings.  First,  come  the  ushers,  two 
by  two,  next,  the  bridesmaids  in  pairs,  then 
the  maid  of  honor,  walking  alone,  and 
68 


THE    CHURCH    WEDDING 

the  bride  on  the  arm  of  her  father,  or  other 
masculine  relative  if  her  father  is  not  liv- 
ing. As  the  altar  is  reached  the  ushers 
divide,  half  the  number  going  to  the  right, 
the  other  half  to  the  left,  then  the  brides- 
maids do  the  same,  passing  in  front  of  the 
ushers  and  forming  a  portion  of  a  circle 
nearer  the  altar.  The  maid  of  honor  stands 
near  the  bride,  on  her  left  hand,  and  the 
best  man  stands  near  the  groom's  right. 
The  groom,  stepping  forward  to  meet  the 
bride,  takes  her  hand  and  leads  her  to  their 
place  in  front  of  the  clergyman,  the  father 
remaining  standing  a  little  in  the  rear  of 
the  bride  and  to  one  side  until  that  portion 
of  the  service  is  reached  when  the  clergy- 
man asks,  "Who  giveth  this  woman  to  be 
married  to  this  man?"  He  then  takes  his 
daughter's  hand,  and,  laying  it  in  the  hand 
of  the  groom,  replies,  "I  do."  After 
this  he  steps  quietly  down  from  the 
chancel  and  takes  his  place  in  the  pew  with 
69 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 
his  wife,  or  the  other  members  of  the  f am- 

«y. 

The  maid  of  honor,  standing  near  the 
bride,  holds  her  bouquet  and  takes  her 
glove  when  the  ring  is  put  on,  and  con- 
tinues to  hold  them  until  after  the  bene- 
diction, which  the  bridal  pair  kneels  to  re- 
ceive. Then  the  organ  again  sounds  the 
wedding  march,  and  the  guests  remain 
standing  as  the  party  assembled  at  the 
altar  moves  down  the  aisle.  First,  comes 
the  bride  on  her  husband's  arm,  then  the 
best  man  and  the  maid  of  honor  together, 
then  the  ushers  and  the  bridesmaids,  each 
girl  on  the  arm  of  an  usher.  After  that 
the  family  of  the  bride  and  groom  leaves. 
The  bridal  party  is  driven  directly  to  the 
home  of  the  bride's  parents  where  the  wed- 
ding-breakfast is  served  or,  if  a  reception 
follows  the  wedding,  where  the  bride 
awaits  the  arrival  of  her  guests. 

The  dress  for  the  bride  married  in  day- 
70 


THE    CHURCH    WEDDING 

light  is  the  same  as  for  an  evening  wed- 
ding, the  trained  white  gown  with  lace  or 
tulle  veil  being  the  conventional  garb  for 
a  wedding  at  all  times  and  places.  The 
same  is  true  of  the  costumes  of  the  brides- 
maids and  maid  of  honor.  These  are  se- 
lected by  the  bride.  At  one  pink-and- 
white  wedding  the  bridesmaids  wore  pink 
dresses  with  pink  picture  hats,  while  the 
maid  of  honor  wore  a  gown  of  palest 
green  with  hat  to  match, — hers  being  the 
only  touch  of  any  color  but  pink  in  the  as- 
sembly, and  serving  to  accentuate  the  gen- 
eral rose-like  scheme.  The  bridesmaids' 
bouquets  are  of  flowers  to  harmonize  with 
their  costumes.  The  bride's  bouquet  is  al- 
ways white,  bride  roses  being  favorites  for 
this  purpose. 

At  a  day  wedding  the  groom  wears  a 
frock   coat,   light   gray   trousers,    white 
waistcoat,  white  satin  or  silk  tie,  and  pat- 
ent leather  shoes.  Of  course,  the  only  hat 
71 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

permissible  with  a  frock  coat  is  a  high  silk 
one.  The  gloves  are  white,  or  pale  gray. 
The  ushers'  dress  is  the  same  except  that 
their  ties  need  not  be  white. 

At  an  evening  wedding  full  dress  is,  of 
course,  necessary.  Then  the  groom  wears 
his  dress  suit,  white  waistcoat,  white  lawn 
tie  and  white  gloves.  The  ushers  are 
dressed  in  the  same  manner. 

It  is  customary  for  the  bride  to  give  her 
bridesmaids  some  little  gift.  This  may  be 
a  stick-pin  or  brooch  bearing  the  inter- 
twined initials  of  the  bridal  pair,  and  this 
pin  is  usually  worn  by  the  recipient  at  the 
wedding. 

The  bride  and  groom  with  the  brides- 
maids stand  together  at  the  end  of  the 
drawing-room  to  receive  the  guests.  An 
usher  meets  each  guest  at  his,  or  her  ar- 
rival, and,  offering  his  arm,  escorts  the 
new-comer  to  the  bridal  pair,  asking  for 
the  name  as  he  does  so.  This  name  he  re- 
72 


THE    CHURCH    WEDDING 

peats  distinctly  on  reaching  the  bride 
who  extends  her  hand  in  greeting,  and  re- 
ceives congratulations.  The  groom  is  then 
congratulated,  and  the  guest  straightway 
makes  room  for  the  next  comer. 

One  is  often  asked  what  should  be  said 
to  the  newly-married  pair, — what  form 
congratulations  should  take,  and  so  on. 
Stilted  phrases  are  at  all  times  to  be 
avoided,  and  the  greeting  should  be  as 
simple  and  straightforward  as  possible. 
It  is  good  form  to  wish  the  bride  happi- 
ness, while  the  groom  is  congratulated. 
Thus  one  says  to  the  bride,  "I  hope  you 
will  be  very  happy, — and  I  am  sure  you 
will."  And  to  the  groom  one  may  say, — 
"You  do  not  need  to  be  told  how  much 
you  are  to  be  congratulated,  for  you  know 
it  already.  Still  I  do  want  to  say  that  I 
congratulate  you  from  my  heart." 

A  pretty  custom  followed  by  some 
brides  is  that  of  turning,  when  half-way 
73 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

up  the  stairs,  after  the  reception  or  break- 
fast is  over,  untying  the  ribbon  fastening 
the  bouquet  together,  and  scattering  the 
flowers  thus  released  among  the  men  wait- 
ing in  the  hall  below.  This  disposes  of  the 
wedding  bouquet  which  one  seldom  has 
the  heart  to  throw  away,  and  yet  which  one 
can  not  keep  satisfactorily. 

If  gifts  are  displayed  at  a  reception,  it 
should  be  in  an  upper  room,  and  all  cards 
should  be  removed.  The  bride  may  keep 
a  list  of  her  presents  and  of  the  donors, 
but  to  display  cards  gives  an  opportunity 
for  invidious  comparisons. 

The  tables  for  the  wedding-breakfast 
may  be  placed  about  the  drawing-rooms, 
and  the  guests  are  seated  informally  at 
them.  The  only  exception  to  this  rule  is 
the  bride's  table  at  which  the  bridal  party 
sits.  As  artificial  lights  are  usually  used 
at  elaborate  functions,  even  at  high  noon, 
pretty  candelabra  are  upon  each  table - 
74 


THE    CHURCH    WEDDING 

Or,  if  preferred,  fairy  lamps  may  take 
the  place  of  the  candelabra. 

The  menu  for  the  wedding-breakfast 
may  consist  of  grape-fruit  with  Maras- 
chino cherries,  or  of  oyster  cocktails,  or  of 
clams  on  the  half -shell,  as  a  first  course; 
next,  hot  clam  bouillon  (unless  clams 
have  already  been  served)  or  chicken 
bouillon;  fish  in  some  form,  as  fish  cro- 
quettes with  oyster-crab  sauce ;  sweetbread 
pates  with  green  pease ;  broiled  chicken  or 
French  chops  with  potato  croquettes  or 
with  Parisian  potatoes;  punch  frappe; 
game  with  salad;  ices,  cakes,  coffee.  If 
wines  are  used,  champagne  is  served  with 
the  breakfast. 

The  breakfast  over,  the  bride  slips  away 
quietly,  to  change  her  dress  for  the  wed- 
ding journey,  and  departs  as  after  a  home 
wedding. 

The  guests  at  a  wedding-breakfast 
must  call  on  the  mother  of  the  bride 
76 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

within  three  weeks  after  the  marriage. 
They  will,  of  course,  call  on  the  bride 
on  one  of  her  "At  Home"  days,  the  dates 
of  which  are  given  with  the  wedding  in- 
vitations or  with  the  announcement  cards. 
Announcement  cards  are  issued  imme- 
diately after  the  wedding,  so  must  be 
addressed  and  stamped  ready  to  be  mailed 
several  days  before  the  ceremony.  The 
text  usually  used  is  this : 

"Mr.  and  Mrs.  William  Edwin  Burn- 
ham  announce  the  marriage  of  their 
daughter,  Eleanor  Fair,  to  Mr.  John 
Langdon  Morse,  on  Tuesday,  the  eighth 
of  December,  one  thousand  nine  hundred 
and  five,  at  St.  Michael's  Church,  Daven- 
port, Iowa." 

Another  form  that  is  sometimes  used  is 
the  following : 

"Married,  Wednesday,  October  elev- 
enth, 1903;  Florence  Archer  and  John 
Staunton,  1019  Penn  Street,  Philadel- 
phia." 

76 


THE    CHURCH    WEDDING 

This  last  form  is  seldom  used  except  in 
cases  where  the  bride  is  so  unfortunate  as 
to  have  no  relatives  in  whose  names  she 
may  announce  her  marriage. 

With  the  announcement  cards  may  be 
inclosed  another  card  bearing  the  dates 
of  the  bride's  "At  Home"  days,  and  the 
hours  at  which  she  will  receive.  Announce- 
ment cards  are  usually  issued  after  a  small 
or  private  wedding  to  which  only  a  limited 
number  of  guests  have  been  invited.  If 
the  wedding  has  been  large  or  was  fol- 
lowed by  a  large  reception  to  which  all 
one's  calling  acquaintances  may  be  bid- 
den, the  announcement  cards  are  unneces- 
sary and  the  "At  Home"  cards  are  issued 
with  the  invitations  to  the  marriage,  or  are 
sent  out  after  the  bride  returns  from  her 
trip. 


77 


VII 

THE   DEBUTANTE 

A  clever  young  girl,  when  asked  by  an 
acquaintance  if  she  had  "come  out"  yet, 
answered,  "I  didn't  come  out.  I  just 
leaked  out."  Doubtless  this  states  the 
case,  in  a  somewhat  slangy  manner,  for 
a  large  number  of  young  women  who, 
gradually  and  without  any  set  function  to 
serve  as  introduction,  take  their  places  in 
society.  Even  for  them,  however,  the  year 
following  the  close  of  school  duties  marks 
a  change  in  their  relation  to  the  social 
world,  while  the  distinction  is  much  em- 
phasized in  the  case  of  young  girls  to 
whom  the  affairs  of  balls,  receptions,  teas, 
and  calls  are  a  novelty.  The  date  of  a 
girl's  formal  entrance  into  the  larger 
world  marks  her  individual  recognition  in 
78 


THE    DEBUTANTE 

that  world.  Before  this  time  she  has  been 
a  person  without  social  responsibility,  not 
accountable  in  the  social  sense.  She  has 
been  considered  in  relation  to  her  family, 
perhaps.  Now  she  stands  for  herself.  She 
is  an  object  of  some  curiosity  to  the  pub- 
lic, and  the  pleasures  and  duties  to  which 
she  falls  heir  deserve  some  special  men- 
tion. 

The  age  at  which  a  girl  makes  her  for- 
mal appearance  on  the  scene  of  society 
varies  in  different  places  and  with  varying 
conditions.  It  is  rarely  under  eighteen, 
seldom  over  twenty-two,  the  first  being  the 
age  at  which  a  girl  not  desirous  of  ex- 
tended education  escapes,  usually,  from 
the  school-room,  the  second  being  the  aver- 
age age  of  graduation  for  the  college  girl. 
A  girl  younger  than  eighteen  is  com- 
monly too  immature  to  be  considered  an 
interesting  member  of  society,  and  a  cer- 
tain degree  of  absurdity  attaches  to  the 
79 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

idea  of  introducing  to  the  world  a  girl 
older  than  the  age  last  mentioned. 

The  special  function  by  which  a  young 
woman's  family  signalizes  her  entrance  to 
society  varies  little  in  different  places.  In 
many  cities  the  custom  is  for  the  family  of 
the  debutante  and  also  for  the  friends  of 
the  family  to  give  some  entertainment  in 
her  honor.  A  dinner,  a  luncheon,  a  tea,  a 
theater  party, — any  one  of  these  festivi- 
ties is  a  proper  manner  of  announcing 
one's  interest  in  the  new  member  of  so- 
ciety and  of  emphasizing  her  arrival. 

Everything  should  be  done  to  facilitate 
for  her  an  extension  of  acquaintance 
among  those  whom  it  is  desirable  she 
should  know.  It  is  said  that  a  number  of 
years  ago  when  telephones  were  a  luxury 
instead  of  being,  as  now,  a  necessity,  in 
southern  cities,  the  advent  of  the  debu- 
tante in  a  house  meant  always  the  addition 
of  a  name  to  the  telephone  directory.  This 
80 


THE    DEBUTANTE 

is  a  somewhat  extravagant  and  florid  com- 
ment on  the  idea  advanced.  But  it  will 
serve  as  an  illustration.  Particularly  is  it 
desirable  that  the  debutante  should  become 
acquainted  with  the  older  members  of  the 
society  in  which  she  moves.  She  is  now 
not  only  a  part  of  the  particular  set  to 
which  her  age  assigns  her;  she  is  also  a 
part  of  that  larger  society  to  which  many 
ages  belong.  Her  attitude  on  this  ques- 
tion distinguishes  her  as  well-bred  or  ill- 
bred.  There  is  nothing  more  crass  and 
crude  than  the  young  girl  who  has  no  eyes 
or  ears  for  anybody  out  of  the  particular 
set  of  young  people  to  which  she  belongs. 
It  is  the  mark  of  the  plebeian. 

The  clothes  of  the  debutante  are  a  mat- 
ter of  importance  and  her  wardrobe 
should  be  carefully  planned.  It  is  natural 
that  she  should  wish  to  look  pretty  and,  as 
youth  itself  makes  for  beauty,  given  good 
health  and  the  usual  number  of  features 
81 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

properly  distributed,  there  is  no  reason 
why  she  should  not  so  appear,  if  some  dis- 
cretion be  exercised  in  the  selection  of  her 
clothes.  It  does  not  lie  within  the  province 
of  this  book  to  stipulate  in  detail  concern- 
ing the  outfit  necessary  for  this  happy  re- 
sult. The  purpose  of  this  paragraph  is 
to  insist  on  simplicity  of  style  in  the 
gowns  chosen  for  a  girl's  first  year  in  so- 
ciety. Elaborate  styles  and  heavy  ma- 
terials are  opposed  to  the  quality  of  a 
young  girl's  beauty.  They  kill  the  loveli- 
ness which  it  is  their  object  to  bring 
out.  All  her  clothes  should  be  made  withr 
out  perceptible  elaboration.  In  ball- 
gowns she  should  be  careful  to  select 
light,  diaphanous  materials, — materials 
that  she  can  wear  at  no  other  time  of  life 
to  such  advantage.  Of  party  gowns  she 
should  have  a  number.  Three  or  four 
frocks  of  thin,  inexpensive  materials  are 
far  better,  if  a  choice  be  necessary,  than 
82 


THE    DEBUTANTE 

one  heavy  silk  or  satin.  They  are  more  be- 
coming and  the  number  of  them  guaran- 
tees to  their  owner  perfect  freshness  and 
daintiness  of  appearance.  A  soiled,  be- 
draggled ball-gown  is  a  sorry  sight  on 
anybody.  It  looks  particularly  ill  on  a 
young  person  whose  age  entitles  her  to  be 
compared  to  lilies  and  roses. 

If  the  truth  be  told,  despite  the  gaiety 
and  the  novelty  of  a  girl's  first  year  in  so- 
ciety, it  is  not  usually  so  pleasant  a  year 
as  her  second.  She  has  much  to  learn,  and 
it  is  the  exceptional  girl  who  does  not  feel 
a  little  awkward  in  her  new  position.  She 
is  prone  to  exaggerate  the  importance  of 
small  social  blunders,  and  trifles,  light  as 
air,  occupy  a  disproportionate  place  in  her 
horizon.  A  certain  timidity,  the  result  of 
her  unaccustomed  position,  is  characteris- 
tic of  her.  This  timidity  shows  itself 
either  in  a  stiffness  that  modifies  consider- 
ably her  proper  charm,  or  in  an  unnatural 
88 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

bravado  of  manner,  the  reverse  of  pleas- 
ing. "Why  are  you  so  down  on  debu- 
tantes?"— the  writer  of  this  chapter  asked 
of  an  accomplished  young  society  man. 
"Because  they  think  it's  clever  to  be  rude," 
was  the  answer.  The  desire  to  be  very  apt, 
to  be  "on  the  spot"  and  "all  there,"  as  the 
slang  phrase  has  it, — this  is  often  at  the 
bottom  of  the  apparent  rudeness  of  the 
young  girl.  She  does  not  care  to  show  her 
newness.  As  a  bride  wishes  it  to  seem  that 
she  has  always  been  married,  so  a  debu- 
tante likes  to  present  the  appearance  of 
thorough  familiarity  with  the  ground  up- 
on which  she  has  just  arrived. 

Nothing  will  assist  the  debutante  to 
self-control  and  a  surer  footing  so  much 
as  contact  with  people  who  are  somewhat 
older  than  herself  and  who  have  gained 
a  proper  perspective.  From  them  she  will 
learn  to  be  less  self-conscious,  and  this 
means  to  be  happier  and  mope  interesting. 
84 


VIII 

THE   CHAPERON 

In  some  parts  of  America  the  chaperon 
is,  like  Sairey  Gamp's  interesting  friend, 
"Mrs.  Harris," — a  mere  figment  of  the 
imagination.  Nowhere  in  America  does 
she  occupy  the  perfectly-defined  position 
that  she  holds  in  Europe;  nowhere  in 
America  are  her  duties  so  arduous  as  those 
imposed  on  her  in  older  countries.  The 
necessity  of  a  chaperon  for  young  people 
on  all  occasions  offends  the  taste  of  the 
American.  It  is  even  opposed  to  his  code 
of  good  manners.  That  a  young  woman 
should  never  be  able  in  her  father's  house 
to  receive,  without  a  guardian,  the  young 
men  of  her  acquaintance,  is  alien  to  the 
average  American's  ideal  of  good  breed- 
ing and  of  independence  in  friendship. 
85 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

In  addition,  his  sense  of  humor  sets  down 
constant  attendance  on  the  very  young 
as  a  bore  and  wearisome  in  the  extreme. 

Because  of  these  prejudices  current 
concerning  the  idea  of  chaperonage,  be- 
cause of  this  flippant  mode  of  considering 
the  subject,  characteristically  American,  it 
is  all  the  more  necessary  that  the  line 
should  be  sharply  drawn  as  to  the  occa- 
sions where  the  consensus  of  usage  and 
good  sense  declares  a  chaperon  to  be  indis- 
pensable. The  sense  of  the  best  American 
conventionalities,  broadly  speaking,  is 
that  a  young  woman  may  have  greater 
liberty  in  her  father's  house  than  else- 
where. A  young  man  who  frequents  a 
house  for  the  purpose  of  calling  on  a 
young  woman  should  be  on  terms  with  the 
members  of  her  family,  but  it  is  not  taken 
for  granted  that  he  must  spend  every  min- 
ute of  his  visits  in  their  presence,  or  that 
the  young  woman  should  feel  that  she  is 
86 


THE    CHAPERON 

acting  unconventionally  in  receiving  his 
calls  by  herself.  It  is  unconventional, 
however,  for  her  to  take  with  him  long 
evening  drives  without  a  chaperon,  or  to 
go  on  any  sort  of  prolonged  outdoor  ex- 
cursion, be  the  party  large  or  small,  with- 
out a  chaperon.  Driving  parties,  fishing 
parties,  country-club  parties,  sailing  par- 
ties, picnics  of  every  kind, — here  the 
chaperon  is  indispensable.  ~No  one  can  tell 
what  accidents  or  delays  may  occur  at  fes- 
tivities of  this  kind  that  might  render  a 
prolonged  absence  embarrassing  and  awk- 
ward without  the  presence  of  the  chap- 
eron. 

A  personal  and  individual  chaperon  for 
every  young  girl  is  not  necessary  at  a  ball. 
It  is  expedient,  however,  that  there  should 
be  some  one  present  who,  on  demand,  can 
act  in  that  capacity  for  her, — some  mar- 
ried woman  with  whom  she  may  sit  out  a 
dance,  if  she  be  not  provided  with  a  part- 
87 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

ner,  or  consult  in  any  of  the  small  difficul- 
ties possible  to  the  occasion.  If  a  young 
woman  attend  a  ball  in  company  with  her 
mother  or  some  other  friend  directly  re- 
sponsible for  her,  she  should  return  each 
time,  after  a  dance,  to  a  seat  occupied  by 
her  chaperon  and  should  direct  her  several 
partners  to  find  her  there.  In  case  she 
dances  with  any  one  unknown  to  her  chap- 
eron, it  goes  perhaps  without  saying  that 
the  man  in  the  case  should  be  presented 
properly  to  the  friend  in  charge  of  her. 

The  custom  as  to  chaperonage  at  the 
theater  differs  according  to  locality.  In 
the  East  a  man  who  asks  a  young  woman 
to  go  with  him  to  the  opera  or  the  play, 
often  invites  her  mother  or  some  feminine 
married  friend  to  accompany  them.  In 
the  West  this  usage  is  not  so  common. 
Those  who  do  not  observe  it  are  not  re- 
garded as  outside  the  pale  of  good  form. 

The  duties  of  a  chaperon  are  somewhat 

88 


THE    CHAPERON 

various,  and  more  or  less  arduous,  accord- 
ing to  the  quality  of  those  chaperoned. 
These  duties  depend  so  largely  upon  cir- 
cumstances that  they  are  not  easily  classi- 
fied. It  is,  of  course,  the  part  of  the  chap- 
eron to  smooth  over  awkward  situations, 
to  arrange  and  make  smooth  the  path  of 
pleasure.  It  is  the  duty  of  the  chaperoned 
to  agree  without  demur  to  whatever  the 
chaperon  may  suggest.  On  any  debatable 
point  her  decision  must  be  regarded  as 
final. 

In  the  case  of  outdoor  excursions  she 
should  fix  the  hour  of  departure  to  and 
from  the  place  of  festivity;  she  should 
group  the  guests  for  the  journey  there 
and  back,  and  should  designate  their  po- 
sitions at  the  table  if  a  meal  or  refresh- 
ments be  served.  The  duty  of  the  chap- 
eroned, is,  in  return,  to  make  the  position 
of  chaperon  as  agreeable  as  possible,  to  de- 
fer to  her  in  every  way.  The  favor,  in  the 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

case  of  chaperonage,  is  conferred  by  the 
chaperon,  though  the  actions  of  certain 
crude  young  people  are  no  recognition  of 
this  fact.  A  case  in  point  occurs  to  the 
writer  where  a  young  man  and  his  wife 
were  asked  to  chaperon  a  party  of  young 
people  to  a  popular  rendezvous  twelve  or 
fourteen  miles  from  the  city  in  which  they 
lived.  The  married  people,  after  much 
urging,  consented  with  some  reluctance, 
thereby  sacrificing  a  cherished  plan  of 
their  own.  Going  and  coming  they  were 
asked  to  take  the  back  seat,  which  they 
occupied  by  themselves, — a  seat  over  the 
wheels  of  the  large  vehicle  provided.  Dur- 
ing the  country  supper  they  sat  at  one  end 
of  the  table  where  their  presence  was  con- 
versationally ignored.  When  the  time 
came  for  returning  home  the  married  man 
was  approached  by  one  of  the  originators 
of  the  party,  who  said  that  the  affair  was 
a  "Dutch  treat,"  and  would  he  (the  mar- 
90 


THE    CHAPERON 

ried  man)  please  pay  his  share  of  the  bill. 
This  is,  of  course,  an  exaggerated  case, 
but  in  a  gross  way  it  is  illustrative  of  the 
lack  of  consideration  often  incident  to  the 
relation  between  chaperon  and  chaper- 
oned. That  the  obligation  to  the  chaperon 
should  be  properly  recognized  is  an  im- 
portant part  of  social  training. 


IX 

MAKING  AND  RECEIVING  GIFTS 

Wedding  gifts  may  be  sent  any  time 
after  the  wedding  cards  are  issued.  They 
are  sent  to  the  bride,  and  may  be  as  ex- 
pensive and  elaborate,  or  as  simple  and 
inexpensive,  as  the  means  of  the  sender 
make  proper.  An  invitation  to  a  church 
wedding,  and  not  to  the  reception,  pre- 
cludes the  necessity  of  making  a  wedding- 
present.  Indeed  the  matter  of  wedding- 
presents  admits  of  more  freedom  each 
year  and  many  people  make  it  a  rule  to 
send  gifts  only  to  intimate  friends  and 
relatives.  Perhaps  this  state  of  affairs  has 
been  brought  about  by  the  fact  that 
among  a  certain, — or  uncertain, — class, 
invitations  were  sometimes  issued  with  the 
special  purpose  of  calling  forth  a  number 
92 


GIFTS 

of  presents, — in  fact,  for  revenue  only. 
Few  persons  acknowledged  this  of  them- 
selves, but  sometimes  a  bride  was  met  who 
was  so  indiscreet  or  so  void  of  taste  as  to 
confess  her  hope  that  all  the  persons  whom 
she  invited  to  her  nuptials  would  be  repre- 
sented by  remembrances  in  gold,  silver, 
jewelry  or  napery.  The  pendulum  has 
swung  as  far  in  the  opposite  direction,  and 
fewer  wedding  gifts  than  of  old  are  sent 
from  politeness  alone. 

Suitable  gifts  for  a  bride  are  silver, 
cut-glass,  table-linen,  pictures,  books, 
handsome  chairs  or  tables,  rugs,  bric-a- 
brac  and  jewelry.  In  fact,  anything  for 
the  new  home  is  proper.  It  is  not  cus- 
tomary to  send  wearing  apparel,  except 
when  this  is  given  by  some  member  of  the 
bride's  family.  A  check  made  out  to  the 
bride  is  always  a  handsome  gift.  The 
parents  of  the  wife-to-be  frequently  give 
the  small  silver. 

93 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

How  the  silver  should  be  marked  is 
a  disputed  question.  Good  form  demands 
that  if  the  donor  wishes  to  have  his  gift 
marked,  it  must  be  engraved  with  the 
bride's  maiden  initials.  Some  persons  are 
so  thoughtful  that  they  send  silver  with 
the  request  that  it  be  returned  after  the 
ceremony  by  the  bride  for  marking  as  she 
sees  fit.  She  then  returns  it  to  the  firm 
from  which  it  was  bought, — said  firm  hav- 
ing received  an  order  from  the  donor  to 
engrave  it  according  to  the  owner's  wishes. 

Still,  if  silver  must  be  given  marked,  it 
is  safe  to  have  the  initials  of  the  bride  put 
upon  it.  Even  should  she  die,  good  taste 
and  conventionality  would  forbid  the  use 
of  her  silver  by  the  second  wife, — should 
there  be  one.  While  on  this  melancholy 
side  of  the  subject  it  would  be  well  to  state 
that  when  a  wife  dies,  leaving  a  child, 
and  the  husband  remarries,  her  silver  is 
packed  away  for  the  child's  use  in  future 
94 


GIFTS 

years.  This  is  demanded  by  custom  and 
conventionality.  This  rule  is  especially  to 
be  regarded  if  the  child  be  a  girl,  as  she 
then  has  a  right  to  the  mother's  silver, 
marked  with  that  mother's  name. 

A  wedding  gift  is  accompanied  by  the 
donor's  card, — usually  inclosed  in  a  tiny 
card-envelop.  As  soon  as  possible,  the 
bride-to-be  writes  a  personal  letter  of 
thanks.  This  must  be  cordial,  and  in  the 
first  person,  somewhat  in  this  form: 

"425  Cedar  Terrace,  Milton,  Pa. 
My  Dear  Mrs.  Hamilton : 

The  beautiful  picture  sent  by  Mr. 
Hamilton  and  yourself  has  just  arrived, 
and  I  hasten  to  thank  you  for  your  kind 
thought  of  me.  The  subject  is  one  of 
which  I  am  especially  fond,  and  the  pic- 
ture will  do  much  toward  making  attrac- 
tive the  walls  of  our  little  home.  It  will 
always  serve  to  remind  Mr.  Allen  and 
myself  of  you  and  Mr.  Hamilton. 
Gratefully  yours, 

Mary  Brown. 

June  nineteenth,  nineteen  hundred  and 
five," 

95. 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

If  a  gift  arrives  so  late  that  it  can  not 
be  acknowledged  before  the  wedding,  the 
wife  must  write  as  soon  as  possible  after 
the  ceremony, — even  during  the  first  days 
of  her  honeymoon.  To  neglect  to  do  this 
is  an  unpardonable  rudeness. 

The  wedding  gifts  may  be  displayed  in 
a  room  by  themselves  on  the  wedding- 
day,  but  must  not  be  accompanied  by  the 
cards  of  the  donors.  In  spite  of  argu- 
ments pro  and  con,  it  is  certainly  in  better 
taste  to  remove  the  cards  before  the  exhi- 
bition. If  there  are  so  many  presents  that 
there  is  any  danger  of  the  bride's  forget- 
ting from  whom  the  different  articles 
came,  let  some  member  of  the  family  keep 
a  list,  or  take  an  inventory,  before  the 
cards  are  taken  off.  Some  persons  attach 
to  each  gift  a  tiny  slip  of  paper  bearing  a 
number.  In  a  little  book  is  a  correspond- 
ing number  after  which  is  written  the 
name  of  the  sender. 

96 


GIFTS 

The  rules  that  apply  to  wedding-pres- 
ents apply  also  to  the  gifts  sent  at  wed- 
ding anniversaries,  be  they  wooden,  tin, 
crystal,  silver  or  golden  anniversaries. 

Engagement  presents  are  frequently 
sent  to  the  fiancee,  but  this  is  entirely  a 
matter  of  taste  or  inclination,  and  is  not 
demanded  by  fashion  or  conventionality. 
Contributions  to  linen  showers  may  be 
included  among  the  engagement  gifts. 
The  fashion  of  such  "showers"  is  ephem- 
eral,— a  fact  not  to  be  regretted. 

A  word  or  more  is  not  out  of  place  con- 
cerning the  kind  of  gifts  that  a  young 
man  may  make  with  propriety  to  a  young 
woman  with  whom  he  is  on  agreeable 
terms.  Flowers,  books,  candy, — these  are 
gifts  that  he  may  make  without  offense, 
and  she  may  receive  without  undue  or  un- 
pleasant sense  of  obligation.  If  he  be  an 
old  and  intimate  friend  of  her  family,  he 
may  offer  her  small  trinkets,  or  orna- 
97 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

mental,  semi-useful  articles,  such  as  a 
card-case,  or  a  bonbonniere.  Anything  in- 
tended solely  for  use  is  proscribed.  If  a 
young  man  is  engaged  to  a  young  woman 
the  possible  choice  of  gifts  is,  of  course, 
much  enlarged.  Even  then,  however,  very 
expensive  gifts  are  not  desirable.  They 
lessen  somewhat  the  charm  of  the  relation 
between  the  two. 

When  a  baby  is  born,  the  friends  of  the 
happy  mother  send  her  some  article  for 
the  new  arrival.  It  may  be  a  dainty  dress 
or  flannel  skirt,  a  cloak,  cap,  or  tiny  bit  of 
jewelry.  These  gifts  the  young  mother  is 
not  supposed  to  acknowledge  until  she  is 
strong  enough  to  write  letters  without 
fear  of  weariness.  As  a  rule  some  mem- 
ber of  her  family  writes  in  her  stead,  ex- 
pressing the  mother's  thanks  for  the 
dainty  gifts. 

When  a  baby  is  christened,  it  is  cus- 
tomary for  the  sponsors  to  make  the  little 
98 


GIFTS 

one  a  present.  This  is  usually  a  piece  of 
silver, — as  a  cup,  or  bowl,  marked  with  the 
child's  name ;  or  a  silver  spoon,  knife  and 
fork  may  be  given.  The  godparents  give, 
as  a  rule,  something  that  will  prove  dur- 
able, or  a  gift  that  the  child  may  keep  all 
his  life,  rather  than  an  article  of  wearing- 
apparel. 

A  guest  invited  to  a  christening-party 
may  bring  a  gift,  if  he  wishes  to  do  so. 
This  may  be  anything  that  fancy  dictates. 
A  pretty  present  for  such  an  occasion  is  a 
"Record"  or  "Baby's  Biography,"  hand- 
somely bound  and  illustrated,  containing 
blanks  for  the  little  one's  weight  at  birth 
and  each  succeeding  year,  for  the  record 
of  his  first  tooth,  the  first  word  uttered, 
the  first  step  taken,  and  so  on,  as  well  as 
spaces  for  the  insertion  of  a  lock  of  the 
baby-hair,  progressive  photographs,  and 
other  trifles  dear  to  the  mother's  heart.  All 
.christening  gifts  may  be  verbally  ac- 
99 


knowledged  by  the  mother  when  the  guest 
presents  them. 

The  custom  of  making  Christmas  pres- 
ents is  so  universal  that  it  would  seem 
superfluous  to  offer  any  suggestion  with 
regard  to  them,  had  not  the  dear  old  cus- 
tom been  so  abused  that  the  lovers  of 
Christmas  must  utter  their  protest.  It 
should  be  borne  in  mind  that  the  only 
thing  that  makes  a  Christmas  gift  worth 
while  is  the  thought  that  accompanies  it. 
When  it  is  given  because  policy,  habit,  or 
conventionality  demands  it,  it  is  a  dese- 
cration of  the  good  old  custom.  If  we 
must  make  any  presents  from  a  sense  of 
duty,  let  it  be  on  birthdays,  on  wedding- 
days,  on  other  anniversaries, — never  on 
the  anniversary  of  the  Great  Gift  to  the 
World.  If  the  spirit  of  good-will  to  man 
does  not  prompt  the  giving,  that  giving 
is  in  vain.  Nor  should  a  present  at  this 
time  be  sent  simply  because  one  expects  to 
100 


GIFTS 

receive  a  reminder  in  the  shape  of  a  pres- 
ent from  a  friend.  A  quid  pro  quo  is  not 
a  true  Christmas  remembrance. 

Let  us  suppose  then,  that  the  making 
of  holiday  presents  is  a  pleasure.  To  sim- 
plify matters  we  would  suggest  that 
those  who  have  a  large  circle  of  friends  to 
whom  they  rejoice  to  give  presents  retain 
over  to  another  year  the  list  made  the  year 
previous.  Not  only  will  this  keep  in  mind 
the  person  whom  they  would  remember, 
but  it  will  prevent  duplicating  presents. 
One  woman  learned  to  her  dismay  that  for 
two  years  she  had  sent  the  same  picture,— 
a  favorite  with  her, — to  a  dear  friend, 
while  another  sent  a  friend  a  silver  button- 
hook for  three  consecutive  Christmases. 

All  gifts,  those  of  the  holiday  season 
included,  should  be  promptly  acknow- 
ledged, and  never  by  a  card  marked 
"Thanks."  If  a  present  is  worth  any  ac- 
knowledgment, it  is  worth  courteous  no- 

101 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

tice.  When  one  says  "Thank  you!"  either 
verbally  or  by  letter,  it  should  be  uttered 
with  sincerity,  and  from  the  heart.  To 
omit  the  expression  of  cordial  gratitude 
is  a  breach  of  good  breeding. 


102 


BACHELOR   HOSPITALITY 

The  day  is  past  when  the  bachelor  is 
supposed  to  have  no  home,  no  mode  of  en- 
tertaining his  friends,  no  lares  and  pen- 
ates,  and  no  "ain  fireside."  He  is  now  an 
independent  householder,  keeping  house 
if  he  choose  to  do  so,  with  a  corps  of  effi- 
cient" servants,  presided  over  by  a  compe- 
tent housekeeper, — or,  in  a  simpler  man- 
ner having  a  small  apartment  of  his  own, 
attended  by  a  man-servant  or  maid,  if  he 
take  his  meals  in  this  apartment.  Oftener, 
however,  he  prefers  to  dispense  with 
housekeeping  cares  and  live  in  a  tiny 
apartment  of  two  or  three  rooms,  going 
out  to  a  restaurant  for  his  meals.  He  is 
then  the  most  independent  of  creatures. 
If  he  can  afford  to  have  a  man  to  take 

103 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

jcare  of  his  rooms  and  his  clothes,  well  and 
'good.  If  not,  he  pays  a  woman  to  come  in 
regularly  to  clean  his  apartment,  and  she 
takes  charge  of  his  bed-making  and  dust- 
ing or, — if  he  be  very  deft,  systematic 
and  industrious, — he  does  this  kind  of 
thing  himself. 

In  any  of  the  cases  just  cited  he  is  at 
liberty  to  entertain.  He  may  have  an  aft- 
ernoon tea,  or  a  reception,  or  an  after- 
theater  chafing-dish  supper.  Unless  he 
has  his  own  suite  of  dining-room,  kitchen 
and  butler's  pantry,  he  can  not  serve  a 
regular  meal  in  his  rooms.  But  there  are 
many  informal,  Bohemian  affairs  to 
which  he  can  invite  his  friends.  For  the 
after-theater  supper,  for  instance,  he  may 
engage  a  man  to  assist  him  and  to  have 
everything  in  readiness  when  the  host  and 
his  party  arrive  at  the  apartment.  The 
host,  himself,  will  prepare  the  chafing- 
dish  dainty,  and  with  this  may  be  passed 

104 


BACHELOR    HOSPITALITY 

articles  supplied  by  a  near-by  caterer, 
such  as  sandwiches,  ices  and  cakes.  He 
may  make  his  own  coffee  in  a  Vienna 
coffee-pot.  The  whole  proceeding  is  de- 
lightful, informal,  and  Bohemian  in  the 
best  sense  of  the  word. 

A  sine  qua  non  to  all  bachelor  entertain- 
ing is  a  chaperon.  The  married  woman 
can  not  be  dispensed  with  on  such  occa- 
sions. The  host  may  be  gray-headed  and 
old  enough  to  be  a  grandfather  many 
times  over,  but,  as  an  unmarried  man,  he 
must  have  a  chaperon  for  his  women- 
guests.  If  he  object  to  this,  he  must  recon- 
cile himself  to  entertaining  only  those  of 
his  own  sex. 

The  age  of  this  essential  appendage  to 
the  social  party  makes  no  difference,  so 
long  as  the  prefix  "Mrs."  is  attached  to 
her  name.  She  may  be  a  bride  of  only  a 
few  weeks'  standing, — but  the  fact  that 
she  is  married  is  the  essential. 

105 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

The  would-be  host,  then,  first  of  all,  en- 
gages his  chaperon, — asking  her  as  a  fa- 
vor to  assist  him  in  his  hospitable  efforts. 
She  should  accept  graciously,  but  the  man 
will  show  by  his  manner  that  he  is  honored 
by  her  undertaking  this  office  for  him.  She 
must  be  promptly  at  his  rooms  at  the  hour 
mentioned,  as  it  would  be  the  height  of 
impropriety  for  one  of  the  young  women 
to  arrive  there  before  the  matron.  If  she 
prefer  she  may  accompany  a  bevy  of  the 
girls  invited.  To  her  the  host  defers,  from 
her  he  asks  advice,  and  to  her  he  pays 
special  deference.  If  there  is  tea  to  be 
poured,  as  at  an  afternoon  function,  it  is 
she  who  is  asked  to  do  it,  and  she  may,  with 
a  pretty  air  of  assuming  responsibility, 
manage  affairs  somewhat  as  if  in  her  own 
home,  still  remembering  that  she  is  a 
guest.  In  this  matter  tact  and  a  know- 
ledge of  the  ways  of  the  world  play  a 
large  part.  The  chaperon  is  bound  to  re- 
106 


BACHELOR    HOSPITALITY 

main  until  the  last  girl  takes  her  depar- 
ture, after  which  it  is  quite  en  regie  for 
the  host  to  offer  his  escort,  unless  she  ac- 
companies the  last  guest,  or  a  carriage  be 
awaiting  her.  The  host  thanks  her  cor- 
dially for  her  kind  offices,  and  she  in  turn 
expresses  herself  as  honored  by  the  com- 
pliment he  has  paid  her. 

Perhaps  the  simplest  form  of  enter- 
tainment for  the  unmarried  man  to  give 
in  his  own  quarters  is  the  afternoon  tea 
in  some  of  its  various  forms.  For  this 
function  the  man  must  not  issue  cards, 
but  must  write  personal  notes,  or  ask  his 
guests  verbally.  It  is  well  for  him  to  in- 
vite several  friends  who  will  supply  music, 
as  this  breaks  up  the  monotony.  If  he 
have  some  friend  who  is  especially  gifted 
musically,  and  whom  he  would  gladly 
bring  before  the  eyes  of  the  public,  he  may 
make  the  presence  of  this  friend  an  ex- 
cellent reason  for  his  afternoon  reception. 
107 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

After  having  secured  the  chaperon's  ac- 
ceptance he  may  write  some  such  note  as 
the  following: 

"My  dear  Miss  Brown: 

I  shall  be  delighted  if  you,  with  a  few 
other  choice  spirits,  will  take  tea  with  me 
in  my  apartment  next  Tuesday  afternoon 
about  four  o'clock.  I  shall  have  with  me 
at  that  time  my  friend,  Mr.  Frank  Mer- 
rill, who  sings,  I  think,  passing  well.  I 
want  my  friends  who  appreciate  music 
and  to  whom  his  voice  will  give  pleasure 
to  hear  him  in  my  rooms  at  the  time  men- 
tioned. Do  come! 

Henry  B  arbour. 
August  10,  1905." 

There  should,  if  possible,  be  a  maid,  or 
a  man  in  livery  to  attend  the  door  at  this 
time,  but,  if  this  is  not  practicable,  and  the 
affair  be  very  informal,  the  host  may  him- 
self admit  his  guests,  and  escort  them  to 
the  door  when  they  leave. 

The  only  refreshments  necessary  are 
thin  bread-and-butter,  and  some  dainty 

108 


BACHELOR    HOSPITALITY 

sandwiches,  small  cakes  and  tea  with 
sugar,  cream,  and  thin  slices  of  lemon. 
These  things  are  arranged  upon  a  prettily- 
set  table  in  one  corner  of  the  room,  and 
are  presided  over  by  the  chaperon,  who 
also,  when  the  opportunity  affords,  moves 
about  among  the  guests,  chatting  to  each 
and  all  as  if  she  were  in  her  own  drawing- 
room.  If  the  man  have  several  rooms,  one 
may  be  opened  as  a  dressing-room  in 
which  the  women  may  lay  their  wraps. 
The  men-guests  may  leave  their  coats 
and  hats  on  the  hall  table  or  rack. 

When  the  guests  depart  it  is  pretty  and 
deferential  for  the  host  to  thank  the 
women  for  making  his  apartment  bright 
and  attractive  for  the  afternoon.  It  is 
always  well  for  a  man  to  show  by  his  man- 
ner that  his  woman-guest  has  honored  him 
by  her  presence. 

An  evening  reception  may  be  conducted 
along  the  same  lines,  but  at  this  time 
109 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

coffee  and  chocolate  take  the  place  of  tea. 
Or,  if  the  host  prefer,  he  may  serve  only 
cake  and  coffee,  or  punch,  or  ices  in  ad- 
dition to  the  cake  and  coffee. 

If  a  bachelor  be  also  a  householder  to 
the  extent  of  running  a  regular  menage, 
he  may  give  a  dinner  in  his  home  just  as 
a  woman  might.  He  first  engages  his 
chaperon,  then  invites  his  guests.  The 
chaperon  is  the  guest  of  honor,  is  taken 
out  to  dinner  by  the  host  and  sits  at  his 
right.  It  is  also  her  place  to  make  the 
move  for  the  women  to  leave  the  men  to 
their  cigars  and  coffee,  and  proceed  to  the 
drawing-room.  Here,  after  a  very  few 
minutes,  the  women  are  joined  by  the  men 
or,  at  all  events,  by  the  host,  who  may,  if 
he  like,  give  his  men-guests  permission  to 
linger  in  the  dining-room  a  little  longer 
than  he  does.  They  will,  however,  not  take 
long  advantage  of  this  permission,  but, 
at  the  expiration  of  five  or  ten  minutes, 
no 


BACHELOR    HOSPITALITY 

will   follow  their  host  to  the  drawing- 
room. 

The  man  who  can  not  entertain  in  his 
own  rooms  may  return  any  hospitality 
shown  to  him  by  giving  a  supper  or  dinner 
at  a  restaurant  or  hotel.  In  this  case  he 
must  still  have  a  chaperon, — if  the  party 
is  to  be  made  up  of  unmarried  persons. 
For  such  an  affair  as  this  he  engages  his 
table  and  orders  the  dinner  beforehand, 
seeing  for  himself  that  the  flowers  and 
decorations  chosen  are  just  what  he  wishes. 
It  is  his  place  to  escort  the  chaperon  to 
the  restaurant  and  to  seat  her  at  his  right. 
Everything  is  so  perfectly  conducted  at 
well-regulated  restaurants  that  the  course 
of  the  dinner  will  progress  without  the 
host's  concerning  himself  about  it.  This 
is  certainly  the  luxury  of  entertaining. 
If,  however,  the  host  wishes  to  give  an  or- 
der, he  should  beckon  to  a  waiter,  and,  in 
a  low  tone,  make  the  necessary  suggestion, 
in 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

or  give  the  requisite  order.  It  is,  at  such 
a  juncture,  the  part  of  the  chaperon  to 
keep  the  conversational  ball  rolling, — in 
short,  to  act  as  if  she  were  hostess. 

The  dinner  over,  the  host  escorts  his 
guests  as  far  as  the  door  of  the  restaurant, 
going  to  the  various  carriages  with  the 
women,  then  calls  up  the  chaperon's  car- 
riage and,  himself,  accompanies  her  to  her 
home. 

At  a  bachelor  dinner  the  host  may  pro- 
vide corsage  bouquets  for  the  ladies  and 
boutonnieres  for  the  men.  It  is  also  a 
pretty  compliment  for  him  to  send  to  the 
chaperon  at  his  afternoon  or  evening  re- 
ception, flowers  for  her  to  wear.  But  this 
is  not  essential,  and  is  a  compliment  that 
may  be  dispensed  with  in  the  case  of  a  man 
who  must  consider  the  small  economies  of 
life. 

Of  course,  no  dinner-call  is  made  on 
the  bachelor  entertainer.  It  is  hardly 
112 


BACHELOR    HOSPITALITY 

worth  while  to  suggest  that  the  women 
whom  he  has  honored  make  a  point  of  soon 
inviting  him  to  their  homes.  In  this  day 
there  is  little  need  to  remind  women  of  the 
attentions  they  may  with  propriety  pay  to 
an  eligible  and  unattached  man. 


113 


XI 

THE  VISITOR 

An  invitation  to  visit  a  friend  in  her 
home  must  always  be  answered  promptly. 
The  invited  person  should  think  seriously 
before  accepting  such  an  invitation,  and, 
unfortunately,  one  of  the  things  she  has  to 
consider  is  her  wardrobe.  If  the  would-be 
hostess  has  a  superb  house,  and  the  guest 
is  to  be  one  of  many,  all  wealthy  except 
herself,  all  handsomely-gowned  except 
herself,  and  if  she  will  feel  like  an 
English  sparrow  in  a  flock  of  birds  of 
paradise,  she  would  better  acknowledge 
the  invitation,  with  gratitude,  and  stay  at 
home.  If  she  does  go,  let  her  determine 
to  make  no  apologies  for  her  appearance, 
but  to  accomodate  herself  to  the  ways  of 
the  household  she  visits. 

114, 


THE    VISITOR 

One  woman,  visiting  in  a  handsome 
home,  was  distressed  to  the  point  of  weep- 
ing by  the  fact  that,  on  her  arrival,  her 
hostess'  maid  came  to  the  guest's  room 
and  unpacked  her  trunk  for  her,  putting 
the  contents  in  bureau-drawers  and  ward- 
robe. It  would  have  been  better  form  if 
the  visitor  had  taken  what  seemed  to  her 
an  innovation  as  a  matter  of  course,  and 
expressed  neither  chagrin  nor  distress  at 
the  kindly-meant  attention. 

If,  then,  our  invited  person,  after  tak- 
ing all  things  into  consideration,  decide 
to  accept  the  invitation  sent  to  her,  let  her 
state  just  when  she  is  coming,  and  go  at 
that  time.  Of  course  she  will  make  her 
plans  agree  with  those  of  her  future  host- 
ess. The  exact  train  should  be  named,  and 
the  schedule  set  must  not  be  deviated  from. 

It  may  be  said  right  here  that  no  one 
should  make  a  visit  uninvited.  Few  per- 
sons would  do  this, — but  some  few  have 

115 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

been  guilty  of  this  breach  of  etiquette. 
One  need  not  always  wait  for  an  invita- 
tion from  an  intimate  friend,  or  member 
of  one's  family  with  whom  one  can  never 
be  de  trop,  but,  even  then,  one  should,  by 
telegram  or  telephone,  give  notice  of  one's 
coming.  If  I  could,  I  would  make  a  rule 
that  no  one  should  pay  an  unexpected  visit 
of  several  days'  duration.  If  one  must  go 
uninvited,  one  should  give  the  prospective 
hosts  ample  notice  of  the  intended  visit, 
begging,  at  the  same  time,  that  one  may 
be  notified  if  the  suggested  plan  be  incon- 
venient. 

When  a  letter  of  invitation  is  accepted, 
the  acceptance  must  not  only  be  prompt, 
but  must  clearly  state  how  long  one  in- 
tends to  stay.  It  is  embarrassing  to  a 
hostess  not  to  know  whether  her  guest 
means  to  remain  a  few  days  or  many.  As 
will  be  seen  in  the  chapter  on  "The  Vis- 
ited," the  hostess  can  do  much  to  obviate 
116 


THE    VISITOR 

this  uncertainty  by  asking  a  friend  for  a 
visit  of  a  specified  length.  But,  in  accept- 
ing, the  guest  must  also  say  how  long  she 
will  remain. 

An  invitation  should  be  received  grate- 
fully. In  few  things  does  breeding  show 
more  than  in  the  manner  of  acknowledg- 
ing an  invitation  to  a  friend's  house.  She 
who  asks  another  to  be  a  member  of  her 
household  for  even  a  short  time  is  paying 
the  person  asked  the  greatest  honor  it  is 
in  her  power  to  confer,  and  it  should  be 
appreciated  by  the  recipient.  He  who  does 
not  appreciate  the  honor  implied  in  such 
an  invitation  is  unmannerly.  When  one 
is  so  devoid  of  the  sense  of  what  is  proper 
as  to  accept  this  honor  grudgingly,  the 
would-be  hostess  has  cast  her  pearls  be- 
fore swine. 

An  invitation  once  accepted,  nothing 
but  such  a  serious  contingency  as  illness 
must  prevent  one's  f  ulfilling  the  engage- 
117 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

ment.  As  has  been  said,  one  must  never 
arrive  ahead  of  time.  Once  in  the  home 
of  a  friend  the  guest  makes  herself  as 
much  a  member  of  the  household  as  pos- 
sible. The  hours  of  meals  must  be  as- 
certained, and  promptness  in  everything 
be  the  rule.  To  lie  in  bed  after  one  is 
called,  and  to  appear  at  the  breakfast- 
table  at  one's  own  sweet  will,  is  often  an 
inconvenience  to  the  hostess,  and  the  cause 
of  vexation  and  discontent  on  the  part  of 
the  servants,  for  which  discontent  the  host- 
ess,— not  the  guest, — pays  the  penalty. 
Unless,  then,  the  latter  is  told  expressly 
that  the  hour  at  which  she  descends  to  the 
first  meal  of  the  day  is  truly  of  no  conse- 
quence in  the  household,  she  must  come 
into  the  breakfast-room  at  the  hour  named 
by  the  mistress  of  the  house. 

On  the  other  hand,  she  should  not  come 
down  a  half-hour  before  breakfast  and  sit 
in  the  drawing-room  or  library,  thus  keep- 

118 


THE    VISITOR 

ing  the  maid  or  hostess  from  dusting  these 
rooms  and  setting  them  to  rights.  She 
will  stay  in  her  own  room  until  breakfast 
is  announced,  then  descend  immediately. 

If  amusements  have  been  planned  for 
the  guest,  she  will  do  her  best  to  enjoy 
them,  or,  at  all  events,  to  show  gratitude 
for  the  kind  intentions  in  her  behalf.  She 
must  resolve  to  evince  an  interest  in  all 
that  is  done,  and,  if  she  can  not  join  in  the 
amusements,  to  give  evidence  of  an  ap- 
preciation of  the  efforts  that  have  been 
made  to  entertain.  The  guest  must  re- 
member that  the  hosts  are  doing  their  best 
to  please  her,  and  that  out  of  ordinary 
humanity,  if  not  civility,  gratitude  should 
be  shown  and  expressed  for  these  en- 
deavors. 

If  the  hostess  be  a  busy  housewife,  who 

has  many  duties  about  the  house  which 

she  must  perform  herself,  the  visitor  may 

occasionally  try  to  "lend  a  hand"  by  dust- 

119 


EVERYDAY   ETIQUETTE 

ing  her  own  room  or  making  her  own  bed. 
If,  however,  she  is  discovered  at  these 
tasks,  and  observes  that  the  hostess  looks 
worried,  or  objects  to  the  guest  thus  ex- 
erting herself,  it  is  the  truest  courtesy  not 
to  repeat  the  efforts  to  be  of  assistance. 
It  disturbs  some  housewives  to  know  that 
a  visitor  is  performing  any  household 
tasks. 

It  is  a  safe  rule  to  say  that  a  guest 
should  go  home  at  the  time  set  unless  the 
hostess  urges  her  to  do  otherwise,  or  has 
some  excellent  reason  for  wishing  her  to 
change  her  plans.  To  remain  beyond  the 
time  expected  is  very  often  a  great  mis- 
take, unless  one  knows  that  it  will  be  a 
genuine  convenience  to  the  hosts  to  have 
one  stay.  The  old  saying  that  a  guest 
should  not  make  a  host  twice  glad  has 
sound  common  sense  as  its  basis.  If  a  vis- 
itor is  persuaded  to  extend  her  visit,  it 
must  be  only  for  a  short  time,  and  she 

120 


THE    VISITOR 

must  herself  set  the  limit  of  this  stay,  at 
which  time  nothing  must  in  any  way  be  al- 
lowed to  deter  her  from  taking  her  de- 
parture. 

The  visitor  in  a  family  must  exercise 
tact  in  many  ways.  Above  all  she  must 
avoid  any  participation  in  little  discussions 
between  persons  in  the  family.  If  the  fa- 
ther takes  one  side  of  an  argument,  the 
mother  the  other,  the  wise  guest  will  keep 
silent,  unless  one  or  the  other  appeal  to 
her  for  confirmation  of  his  or  her  asser- 
tions,— in  which  case  she  should  smilingly 
say  that  she  would  rather  not  express  an 
opinion,  or  laugh  the  matter  off  in  such 
a  way  as  to  change  the  current  of  the  con- 
versation. 

Another  thing  that  a  guest  must  avoid 
is  reproving  the  children  of  the  house  in 
even  the  mildest,  gentlest  way.  She  must 
also  resist  the  impulse  to  make  an  audible 
excuse  for  a  child  when  he  is  reprimanded 

121 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

in  her  presence.  To  do  either  of  these 
things  is  a  breach  of  etiquette. 

If  she  be  so  fortunate  as  to  be  invited 
to  a  house-party  or  a  week-end  party,  she 
should  accept  or  decline  at  once,  that  the 
hostess  may  know  for  how  many  people 
to  provide  rooms.  For  such  an  affair  one 
should  take  handsome  gowns,  as  a  good 
deal  of  festivity  and  dress  is  customary 
among  the  jolly  group  thus  brought  to- 
gether. A  dinner  or  evening  gown  is  es- 
sential, and,  if,  as  is  customary,  the  house- 
party  be  given  at  a  country-home,  the  vis- 
itor must  have  a  short  walking-skirt  and 
walking-boots,  as  well  as  a  carriage  cos- 
tume. 

Once  a  member  of  a  house-party,  the 
rule  is  simple  enough.  Do  as  the  others 
do,  and  enter  with  a  will  on  all  the  enter- 
tainment provided  by  the  host  and  hostess 
for  the  party. 

If  you  make  a  visit  of  any  length  you 

122 


THE    VISITOR 

must  not  fail  to  leave  a  little  money  for 
each  servant  who  has,  by  her  services  in 
any  capacity,  contributed  to  your  com- 
fort. This  will,  of  course,  include  the  maid 
who  has  cared  for  the  bedroom,  and  the 
waitress.  By  one  of  these  servants  send 
something  to  the  cook,  and  a  message  of 
thanks  for  the  good  things  wrhich  she  has 
made  and  you  have  enjoyed.  The  laun- 
dress need  not  be  inevitably  remembered, 
unless  she  has  done  a  little  washing  for 
you;  still,  when  one  considers  the  extra 
bed  and  table  linen  to  be  washed,  it  is  as 
well  to  leave  a  half  dollar  for  her  also. 
The  amount  of  such  fees  must  be  deter- 
mined by  the  length  of  your  purse;  and 
must  never  be  so  large  as  to  appear  lavish 
and  unnecessary.  A  dollar,  if  you  can 
afford  it  and  have  made  a  visit  of  any 
length,  will  be  sufficient  for  each  maid. 
The  coachman  who  drives  you  to  the  train 
must  receive  the  same  amount. 

123 


EVERYDAY-ETIQUETTE 

After  the  guest  has  returned  to  her  own 
home,  her  duties  toward  her  recent  hosts 
are  not  at  an  end  until  she  has  written 
what  is  slangily  known  as  "the  bread-and- 
butter  letter."  This  is  simply  a  note,  tell- 
ing of  one's  safe  arrival  at  one's  destina- 
tion, and  thanking  the  late  hostess  for  the 
pleasant  visit  one  has  had.  A  few  lines  are 
all  that  etiquette  demands,  but  it  requires 
these,  and  decrees  that  they  be  despatched 
at  once.  To  neglect  to  write  the  letter  de- 
manded by  those  twin  sisters,  Convention- 
ality and  Courtesy,  is  a  grave  breach  of  the 
etiquette  of  the  visitor. 

Hospitality  as  a  duty  has  been  written 
up  from  the  beginning  of  human  life. 
The  obligations  of  those  who,  in  quaint 
old  English  phrase,  "guesten"  with  neigh- 
bors, or  strangers,  have  had  so  little  at- 
tention it  is  no  wonder  they  are  lightly 
considered,  in  comparison. 

We  hear  much  of  men  who  play  the  host 

124 


THE    VISITOR 

royally,  and  of  the  perfect  hostess.  If 
hospitality  be  reckoned  among  the  fine 
arts  and  moral  virtues,  to  "guesten"  aright 
is  a  saving  social  grace.  Where  ten  ex- 
cellent hosts  are  found  we  are  fortunate 
if  we  meet  one  guest  who  knows  his  busi- 
ness and  does  it. 

The  consciousness  of  this  neglected  fact 
prompts  us  to  write  in  connection  with 
our  cardinal  virtue  of  giving,  of  what 
we  must  perforce  coin  a  word  to  define  as 
"Guestly  Etiquette."  We  have  said  else- 
where that  the  first,  and  oftentimes  a  hu- 
miliating step,  in  the  acquisition  of  all 
knowledge,  from  making  a  pudding  to 
governing  an  empire,  is  to  learn  how  not 
to  do  it.  Two-thirds  of  the  people  who 
"guesten"  with  us  never  get  beyond  the 
initiatory  step. 

The  writer  of  this  page  could  give  from 
memory  a  list  that  would  cover  pages  of 
foolscap,  of  people  who  called  themselves 

125 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

well-bred  and  who  were  in  the  main,  well- 
meaning,  who  have  deported  themselves  in 
hospitable  homes  as  if  they  were  regis- 
tered boarders  in  a  hotel. 

Settle  within  your  own  mind,  in  enter- 
ing your  friend's  doors,  that  what  you  re- 
ceive is  not  to  be  paid  for  in  dollars  and 
cents.  The  thought  will  deprive  you  at 
once  of  the  right  to  complain  or  to  criti- 
cize. This  should  be  a  self-evident  law. 
It  is  so  far,  however,  from  being  self-evi- 
dent that  it  is  violated  every  day  and  in 
scores  of  homes  where  refinement  is  sup- 
posed to  regulate  social  usages. 

Taking  at  random  illustrations  that 
crowd  in  on  memories  of  my  own  ex- 
periences,— let  me  draw  into  line  the  dis- 
tinguished clergyman  who  always  brought 
his  own  bread  to  the  table,  informing  me 
that  my  hot  muffins  were  "rank  poison  to 
any  rightly-appointed  stomach";  another 
man  as  distinguished  in  another  profession 
126 


THE    VISITOR 

who  summoned  a  chambermaid  at  eleven 
o'clock  at  night  to  drag  his  bed  across  the 
room  that  he  might  lie  due  east  and  west; 
an  author  who  never  went  to  bed  until  two 
o'clock  in  the  morning,  and  complained 
sourly  at  breakfast  time  that  "your  ser- 
vants, madam,  banked  up  the  furnace  fire 
so  early  that  the  house  got  cold  by  mid- 
night"; the  popular  musician  who  in- 
formed me  "your  piano  is  horribly  out  of 
tune";  the  man  and  wife  who  "couldn't 
sleep  a  wink  because  there  was  a  mosquito 
in  the  room";  the  eminent  jurist  who  sat 
out  an  evening  in  the  library  of  my  coun- 
try-house with  his  hat  on  because  "the 
room  was  draf ty" ; — ah !  my  fellow  house- 
mothers can  match  every  instance  of  the 
lack  of  the  guestly  conscience  by  stories 
from  their  own  repositories. 

The  guest  who  is  told  to  consider  him- 
self as  one  of  the  family  knows  the  in- 
vitation to  be  a  figure  of  polite  speech  as 
1£7 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

well  as  he  who  says  it  knows  it  to  be  an 
empty  form.  One  man  I  wot  of  sings 
and  whistles  in  the  halls  and  upon  the 
stairs  of  his  host's  house  to  show  how  joy- 
fully he  is  at  home.  Another  stretches 
himself  at  length  upon  the  library  sofa, 
and  smokes  the  cigar  of  peace  (to  him- 
self) at  all  hours,  an  ash-cup  upon  the 
floor  within  easy  distance.  A  third  helps 
himself  to  his  host's  cigars  whenever  he 
likes  without  saying  "by  your  leave." 
Each  may  fancy  that  he  is  following  out 
the  hospitable  intentions  of  his  entertain- 
ers when,  in  fact,  he  is  selfishly  oblivious 
of  guestly  duty  and  propriety. 

One  who  has  given  the  subject  more 
than  a  passing  thought  might  suppose  it 
unnecessary  to  lay  down  to  well-bred  read- 
ers "Laws  for  Table  Manners  While  Vis- 
iting." Yet,  when  I  saw  a  man  of  excel- 
lent lineage,  and  a  university  graduate, 
thump  his  empty  tumbler  on  the  table  to 

128 


THE    VISITOR 

attract  the  attention  of  the  waitress,  and 
heard  him  a  few  minutes  later,  call  out  to 
her  "Butter — please!"  I  wished  that  the 
study  of  such  a  manual  had  been  included 
as  a  regular  course  in  the  college  curric- 
ulum. 

A  true  anecdote  recurs  to  me  here  that 
may  soothe  national  pride  with  the  know- 
ledge that  the  solecisms  I  have  described 
and  others  that  have  not  added  to  the 
traveled  American's  reputation  for  breed- 
ing, are  not  confined  to  our  side  of  the 
ocean. 

Lord  and  Lady  B—  — ,  names  familiar 
some  years  back  to  the  students  of  the 
"high-life"  columns  of  our  papers,  were 
at  a  dinner-party  in  New  York  with  an 
acquaintance  of  mine  who  painted  the 

scene  for  me.  Lady  B ,  tasting  her 

soup  as  soon  as  it  was  set  down  in  front 
of  her,  calls  to  her  husband  at  the  other 
iend  of  the  table:  "B ,  my  dear!  Don't 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

eat  this  soup !  It  is  quite  filthy!  There  are 
tomatoes  in  it!" 

We  Americans  are  less  brutally  frank 
than  our  English  cousins.  Yet  I  thought 
of  Lady  B last  week  when  my  vis-a- 
vis, — a  slim,  pretty,  accomplished  matron 
of  thirty,  or  thereabouts — at  an  admir- 
ably-appointed family  dinner,  accepted  a 
plate  of  soup,  tasted  it,  laid  down  her 
spoon  and  did  not  touch  it  again,  repeat- 
ing the  action  with  an  entree,  and  with  the 
dessert  of  peaches  and  cream.  She  did  not 
grimace  her  distaste  of  any  one  of  the 
three  articles  of  food,  it  is  true,  being, 
thus  far,  better-mannered  than  our  titled 
vulgarian.  In  effect  she  implied  the  same 
thing  by  tasting  of  each  portion  and  de- 
clining to  eat  more  than  the  tentative 
mouthful. 

To  sum  up  our  table  of  rules :  Bethink 
yourself,  from  your  entrance  to  your  exit 
from  your  host's  house,  of  the  sure  way 

130 


THE    VISITOR 

of  adding  to  the  comfort  and  pleasure  of 
those  who  have  honored  you  by  inviting 
you  to  sojourn  under  their  roof -tree.  If 
possessed  of  the  true  spirit  of  hospitality, 
they  will  find  that  pleasure  in  promoting 
yours.  Learn  from  them  and  be  not  one 
whit  behind  them  in  the  good  work.  If 
they  propose  any  especial  form  of  amuse- 
ment, fall  in  with  their  plans  readily  and 
cordially.  You  may  not  enjoy  a  stately 
drive  through  dusty  roads  behind  fat 
family  horses,  or  a  tramp  over  briery  fields 
with  the  hostess  who  is  addicted  to  berry- 
ing and  botanizing — but  go  as  if  that  were 
the  exact  bent  of  taste  and  desire.  A  din- 
ner-party, made  up  of  men  who  talk  busi- 
ness and  nothing  else,  and  their  over- 
dressed wives,  who  revel  in  the  discussion 
of  what  Mrs.  Sherwood  calls  "The  Three 
Dreadful  D's" — Disease,  Dress  and  Do- 
mestics— may  typify  to  you  the  acme  of 
boredom.  Comport  yourself  as  if  you 

131 


EVERYDAY   ETIQUETTE 

were  in  your  native  element  and  happy 
there.  The  self -discipline  will  be  a  means 
of  grace  in  more  ways  than  one. 

On  Sunday  accompany  your  hosts  to 
their  place  of  worship  with  the  same  cheer- 
ful readiness  to  like  what  they  like.  You 
may  be  a  High  Church  Episcopalian  and 
they  belong  to  the  broadest  wing  of 
Unitarians  or  the  straitest  sect  of  Evan- 
gelicals. Put  prejudice  and  personal 
preference  behind  you  and  find  consola- 
tion in  the  serene  conviction  of  guestly 
duty  done — and  done  in  a  truly  Christian 
spirit. 


XII 

THE  VISITED 

It  has  been  said, — and  with  an  un- 
fortunate amount  of  truth,  that  the  gra- 
cious, old-fashioned  art  of  hospitality  is 
dying  out.  Those  who  keep  open  house 
from  year's  end  to  year's  end,  from  whose 
doors  the  latch-string  floats  in  the  breeze, 
ready  for  the  fingers  of  any  friend  who 
will  grasp  it,  are  few. 

The  "entertaining"  that  is  done  now 
does  not  compensate  us  for  the  loss  of 
what  may  be  called  the  "latch-string-out" 
custom  of  the  days  gone  by.  Luncheons, 
teas,  dinners,  card-parties,  receptions  and 
the  like,  fill  the  days  with  engagements 
and  hold  our  eyes  waking  until  the  morn- 
ing hours,  but  this  is  a  kind  of  wholesale 
hospitality  as  it  were,  and  done  by  con- 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

tract.  Such  affairs  remind  one  ludicrously 
of  the  irreligious  and  historic  farmer-boy 
who,  reminiscent  of  his  father's  long- 
winded  "grace  before  meat,"  suggested 
when  they  salted  the  pork  for  the  winter 
that  he  "say  grace  over  the  whole  barrel" 
and  pay  off  a  disagreeable  obligation  all 
at  one  time. 

Perhaps  if  our  hostess  were  frank  she 
would  acknowledge  a  similar  desire  when 
she  sends  out  cards  by  the  hundreds  and 
fills  her  drawing-rooms  to  overflowing 
with  guests,  scores  of  whom  care  to  come 
even  less  than  she  cares  to  have  them.  But 
there  seems  to  be  a  credit  and  debit  ac- 
count kept,  and  once  in  so  often  it  is  in- 
cumbent on  the  society  woman  to  "give 
something."  Florists  and  caterers  are 
called  to  her  aid,  and,  with  waiters  and  as- 
sistants hired  for  the  occasion,  take  the 
work  of  preparation  for  the  entertain- 
ment off  my  lady's  hands. 
134 


THE    VISITED 

In  speaking  of  hospitality  in  this  chap- 
ter, we  refer  especially  to  the  entertain- 
ing of  a  visitor  for  one,  or  many  days  in 
the  home.  Let  us  put  the  blame  where 
it  belongs  and  aver  that  there  are  reasons 
for  the  decline  of  hospitality  in  this  coun- 
try, and  that  the  greatest  of  these  is— 
SERVANTS  !  Not  long  ago  we  made  a  point 
of  asking  several  housekeepers  why  they 
did  not  invite  friends  to  visit  them.  Three 
out  of  four  interviewed  on  the  subject 
agreed  that  the  servants  were  the  main 
drawback.  The  fourth  woman,  who  was  in 
moderate  circumstances,  confessed  that 
she  did  not  want  guests  unless  she  could 
"entertain  them  handsomely." 

To  obviate  the  first-mentioned  difficulty 
every  housekeeper  should,  when  engaging 
a  servant,  declare  boldly  that  she  receives 
her  friends  at  will,  in  her  home,  and  have 
that  fact  understood  from  the  outset  of 
Bridget's  or  Gretchen's  career  with  her. 

135 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

As  to  the  reason  given  by  the  fourth 
housekeeper,  it  is  too  contemptible  to  be 
considered  by  a  sensible  woman.  Our 
guests  come  to  see  us  for  ourselves,  not  for 
the  beauty  of  our  houses,  or  for  the  ele- 
gance of  our  manner  of  living.  The 
woman  whose  house  is  clean  and  furnished 
as  her  means  permit,  who  sets  her  table 
with  the  best  that  she  can  provide  for  her 
own  dear  ones,  is  always  prepared  for 
company.  There  may  be  times  when  the 
unlooked-for  coming  of  a  guest  is  an  in- 
convenience. It  should  never  be  the  cause 
of  a  moment's  mortification.  Only  pre- 
tense, and  seeming  to  be  what  one  is  not, 
need  cause  a  sensation  of  shame.  If  a 
friend  comes,  put  another  plate  at  the 
table,  and  take  him  into  the  sanctum  sanc- 
torum— the  home.  With  such  a  welcome 
the  simplest  home  is  dignified. 

But  as  to  the  invited  guest.  The  would- 
be  hostess  knows  when  she  wishes  to  re- 

136 


THE    VISITED 

ceive  her  friend,  and,  in  a  cordial  invita- 
tion, states  the  exact  date  upon  which  she 
has  decided,  giving  the  hour  of  the  ar- 
rival of  trains,  and  saying  that  she  or  some 
member  of  her  family  will  meet  the  guest 
at  the  station.  One  who  has  ever  arrived 
at  a  strange  locality,  "unmet,"  knows  the 
peculiar  sinking  of  heart  caused  by  the 
neglect  of  this  simple  duty  on  the  part  of 
the  hostess. 

The  letter  of  invitation  should  also 
state  how  long  the  visitor  is  expected  to 
stay.  This  may  be  easily  done  by  writing 

"Will  you  come  to  us  on  the  twenty- 
first  and  stay  for  a  week?"  or,  "We  want 
you  to  make  us  a  fortnight's  visit,  coming 
on  the  fifteenth."  If  one  can  honestly  add 
to  an  invitation,  "We  hope  that  you  may 
be  able  to  extend  the  time  set,  as  we  want 
to  keep  you  as  long  as  possible,"  it  may 
be  done.  If  not  meant,  the  insincere 
phrase  is  inexcusable. 

137 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

Elaborate  preparations  should  be  avoid- 
ed— preparations  that  weary  the  hostess 
and  try  the  tempers  of  servants.  The 
guest-chamber  will  be  clean,  sweet  and 
dainty.  No  matter  how  competent  a 
chambermaid  is,  the  mistress  must  see  for 
herself  that  sheets,  pillow-slips  and  towels 
are  spotless,  and  that  there  are  no  dusty 
corners  in  the  room.  If  the  visitor  be  a 
woman,  and  flowers  are  in  season,  a  vase 
of  favorite  blossoms  will  be  placed  on  the 
dressing-table.  The  desk  or  writing- 
table  will  be  supplied  with  paper,  envelops, 
pens,  ink,  and  even  stamps.  Several  in- 
teresting novels  or  magazines  should  be 
within  reach.  All  these  trifles  add  to  the 
home-like  feeling  of  the  new  arrival. 

A  welcome  should  be  cordial  and  hon- 
est. A  hostess  should  take  time  to  warm 
her  guest's  heart  by  telling  her  that  she  is 
glad,  genuinely  glad,  to  have  her  in  her 
home.  She  should  also  do  all  she  can  to 

138 


THE    VISITED 

make  the  visitor  forget  that  she  is  away 
from  her  own  house. 

All  this  done,  the  guest  should  be  let 
alone!  We  mean  this,  strange  as  it  may 
seem.  Many  well-meaning  hostesses 
annoy  guests  by  following  them  up 
and  by  insisting  that  they  shall  be  "doing 
something"  all  the  time.  This  is  almost  as 
wearing  and  depressing  as  neglect  would 
be.  Each  person  wants  to  be  alone  a  part 
of  the  time.  A  visitor  is  no  exception 
to  this  rule.  She  has  letters  to  write,  or 
an  interesting  book  she  wants  to  read,  or, 
if  she  needs  the  rest  and  change  her  visit 
should  bring  her,  it  will  be  luxury  to  her 
to  don  a  wrapper  and  loll  on  the  couch  or 
bed  in  her  room  for  an  hour  or  two  a  day. 
The  thought  that  one's  hostess  is  noting 
and  wondering  at  one's  absence  from  the 
drawing-room,  where  one  is  expected  to 
be  on  exhibition,  is  akin  to  torture  to  a 
nervous  person. 

139 


EVERYDAY   ETIQUETTE 

Provide  a  certain  amount  of  entertain- 
ment for  the  visitor  in  the  way  of  out- 
door exercise  (if  she  likes  it),  callers, 
amusements  and  so  forth,  and  then 
(again!)  in  plain  English,  let  her  alone! 

One  must  never  insist  that  a  guest  re- 
main beyond  the  time  set  for  her  return, 
if  the  guest  declares  sincerely  that  to  re- 
main longer  is  inadvisable.  To  speed  the 
parting  guest  is  an  item  of  true  hospital- 
ity. The  hostess  may  beg  her  to  stay 
when  she  feels  that  the  visitor  can  con- 
veniently do  so,  and  when  her  manner 
shows  that  she  desires  to  do  so.  But  when 
the  suggestion  has  been  firmly  and  grate- 
fully declined,  the  matter  should  be 
dropped.  A  guest  who  feels  that  she  must 
return  to  her  home  for  business,  family  or 
private  reasons,  is  embarrassed  by  the  in- 
sistence on  the  part  of  her  entertainers 
that  such  return  is  unnecessary. 

Of  course,  the  visitor  in  one's  house 

140 


THE    VISITED 

should  be  spared  all  possible  expense.  The 
porter  who  brings  the  trunk  should  be 
paid  by  the  host,  unless  the  guest  forestalls 
him  in  his  hospitable  intention.  Car- fares, 
hack-hire  and  such  things,  are  paid  by  the 
members  of  the  family  visited.  All  these 
things  should  be  done  so  unobtrusively  as 
to  escape,  if  possible,  the  notice  of  the  per- 
son entertained. 

No  matter  what  happens — should  there 
be  illness  and  even  death  in  the  family — 
a  hospitable  person  will  not  allow  the 
stranger  within  her  gates  to  feel  that  she 
is  in  the  way,  or  her  presence  an  incon- 
venience. There  is  no  greater  cruelty 
than  that  of  allowing  a  guest  in  the  home 
to  feel  that  matters  would  run  more 
smoothly  were  she  absent.  Only  better 
breeding  on  the  part  of  the  visitor  than  is 
possessed  by  her  hostess  will  prevent  her 
leaving  the  house  and  returning  to  her 
home.  Should  sudden  illness  in  the  family 

141 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

occur,  the  considerate  person  will  leave. 
But  this  must  be  permitted  only  under 
protest.  To  invite  a  friend  to  one's  house, 
and  then  seem  to  find  her  presence  unwel- 
come is  only  a  degree  less  cruel  than  con- 
fining a  bird  in  a  cage,  where  he  can 
not  forage  for  himself,  and  slowly  starv- 
ing him.  If  one  has  not  the  hospitable  in- 
stinct developed  strongly  enough  to  feel 
the  right  sentiment,  let  him  feign  it,  or 
refuse  to  attempt  to  entertain  friends. 
The  person  under  one's  roof  should  be,  for 
the  time,  a  sacred  object,  and  the  host  who 
does  not  feel  this  is  altogether  lacking  in 
the  finer  instincts  that  accompany  good 
breeding. 

We  know  one  home  in  which  hospitality 
is  dispensed  in  a  way  no  guest  ever  for- 
gets. From  the  time  the  visitor  enters  the 
doors  of  this  House  Beautiful  she  is,  as 
it  were,  enwrapped  in  an  atmosphere  of 
loving  consideration  impossible  to  de- 

142 


THE    VISITED 

scribe.  One  guest,  visiting  there  with  her 
children,  was  horrified  at  their  being  taken 
suddenly  ill  with  grippe, — so  ill  that  to 
travel  with  them  just  then  was  dangerous. 
She  was  hundreds  of  miles  away  from 
home  with  the  possibility  of  the  children's 
being  confined  to  the  house  for  some  days 
to  come.  The  physician  summoned  con- 
firmed her  fears.  The  distressed  mother 
knew  only  too  well  what  an  inconvenience 
illness  is, — especially  in  a  friend's  house 
instead  of  in  one's  own  home. 

All  the  members  of  the  household 
united  in  making  the  disconcerted  woman 
feel  that  this  home  was  the  one  and  only 
place  in  which  the  little  ones  should  have 
been  seized  with  the  prevailing  epidemic; 
that  it  was  a  pleasure  to  have  them  there 
under  any  circumstances;  that  to  wait  on 
them  and  their  mother  was  a  privilege. 
The  sweet-voiced,  sweet-faced  hostess, 
herself  an  invalid  at  this  time,  drew  the 

143 


EVERYDAY   ETIQUETTE 

anxious  visitor  down  on  the  bed  beside  her 
and  kissed  her  as  she  said : 

"Dear  child!  try  to  believe  that  you  and 
yours  are  as  welcome  here  as  in  your  own 
dear  mother's  home." 

Surely  of  such  is  the  Kingdom  of 
Heaven! 


XIII 

HOSPITALITY  AS  A  DUTY 

If  ours  were  a  perfect  state  of  society, 
constructed  on  the  Golden  Rule,  ani- 
mated and  guided  throughout  by  unself- 
ish love  for  friend  and  neighbor,  and 
charity  for  the  needy,  there  would  be  no 
propriety  in  writing  this  chapter.  Home, 
domestic  comfort  and  happiness  being  our 
best  earthly  possessions,  we  would  be  ea- 
gerly willing  to  share  them  with  others. 

As  society  is  constructed  under  a  state 
of  artificial  civilization,  and  as  our  homes 
are  kept  and  our  households  are  run,  the 
element  of  duty  must  interfere,  or  hos- 
pitality would  become  a  lost  art.  Even 
where  the  spirit  of  this — one  of  the  most 
venerable  of  virtues — is  not  wanting,  con- 
science is  called  in  to  regulate  the  manner 

145 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

and  the  seasons  in  which  it  should  be  ex- 
ercised. 

As  a  corner-stone,  assume,  once  for  all, 
that  a  binding  obligation  rests  on  you 
to  visit,  and  to  receive  visits,  and  to  enter- 
tain friends,  acquaintances  and  strangers 
in  a  style  consistent  with  your  means,  at 
such  times  as  may  be  consistent  with  more 
serious  engagements. 

It  may  sound  harsh  to  assert  that  you 
have  no  right  to  accept  hospitality  for 
which  you  can  never  make  any  return  in 
kind.  The  principle  is,  nevertheless, 
sound  to  the  core. 

Those  who  read  the  newspapers  forty 
years  ago  will  recall  a  characteristic  inci- 
dent in  the  early  life  of  Colonel  Ells- 
worth, the  brilliant  young  lawyer  who  was 
one  of  the  first  notable  victims  of  the  Civil 
War.  His  struggles  to  gain  a  foothold  in 
his  profession  were  attended  by  many 
hardships  and  humiliating  privations. 

146 


HOSPITALITY   AS    A    DUTY 

Once,  finding  the  man  he  was  looking  for 
on  a  matter  of  business,  in  a  restaurant, 
he  was  invited  to  partake  of  the  luncheon 
to  which  his  acquaintance  was  just  sitting 
down.  Ellsworth  was  ravenously  hungry, 
almost  starving,  in  fact,  but  he  declined 
courteously  but  firmly,  asking  permission 
to  talk  over  the  business  that  had  brought 
him  thither,  while  the  other  went  on  with 
the  meal. 

The  brave  young  fellow,  in  telling  the 
story  in  after  years,  confessed  that  he  suf- 
ferred  positive  agony  at  the  sight  and 
smell  of  the  tempting  food. 

"I  could  not,  in  honor,  accept  hospital- 
ity I  could  not  reciprocate,"  was  his  simple 
explanation  of  his  refusal.  "I  might 
starve,  I  could  not  sponge  1" 

Sponging — to  put  it  plainly — is  pau- 
perism. The  one  who  eats  of  your  bread 
and  salt  becomes,  in  his  own  eyes — not  in 
yours — your  debtor.  For  the  very  genius 
147 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

of  hospitality  is  to  give,  not  expecting  to 
receive  again.  (This  by  the  way!) 

I  do  not  mean  if  your  wealthy  acquaint- 
ance invites  you  to  a  fifteen-course  din- 
ner, the  cost  of  which  equals  your  monthly 
income,  that  you  are  in  honor  or  duty 
bound  to  bid  her  to  an  entertainment  as 
elaborate,  or  that  you  suffer  in  her  estima- 
tion, or  by  the  loss  of  your  self-respect. 
But  by  the  acceptance  of  the  invitation 
you  bind  yourself  to  reciprocation  of  some 
sort.  If  you  can  do  nothing  more,  ask 
your  hostess  to  afternoon  tea  in  your  own 
house  or  flat,  and  have  a  few  congenial 
spirits  to  meet  her  there.  It  is  the  spirit 
in  such  a  case  that  makes  alive  and  keeps 
alive  the  genial  glow  of  good-will  and 
cordial  friendliness.  The  letter  of  com- 
mercial obligation,  like  for  like,  in  degree, 
and  not  in  kind,  would  kill  true  hospi- 
tality. 

Your   friend's   friend,   introduced   by 

148 


HOSPITALITY   AS   A   DUTY 

him  and  calling  on  you,  has  a  proved  claim 
on  your  social  offices.  If  you  can  not 
make  a  special  entertainment  for  him,  ask 
him  to  a  family  dinner,  explaining  that  it 
is  such,  and  make  up  in  kindly  welcome 
for  the  lack  of  lordly  cheer.  If  it  be  a 
woman,  invite  her  to  luncheon  with  you 
and  a  friend  or  two,  or  to  a  drive,  winding 
up  with  afternoon  tea  in  some  of  the 
quietly  elegant  tea-rooms  that  seem  to 
have  been  devised  for  the  express  use  of 
people  of  generous  impulses  and  slender 
purses.  It  is  not  the  cost  in  coin  of  the 
realm  that  tells  with  the  stranger,  but  the 
temper  in  which  the  tribute  is  offered. 

"I  do  not  'entertain'  in  the  sense  in 
which  the  word  is  generally  used,"  wrote 
a  distinguished  woman  to  me  once,  hear- 
ing that  I  was  to  be  in  her  neighborhood. 
"But  I  can  not  let  you  pass  me  by.  Come 
on  Thursday,  and  lunch  with  me,  en  tete- 
a-tete" 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

I  accepted  gladly,  and  the  memory  of 
that  meal,  elegant  in  simplicity,  shared 
with  one  whom  my  soul  delights  to  honor, 
is  as  an  apple  of  gold  set  in  a  picture  of 
silver. 

The  stranger,  as  such,  has  a  Scriptural 
claim  on  you,  when  circumstances  make 
him  your  neighbor.  In  thousands  of 
homes  since  the  day  when  Abraham  ran 
from  his  tent-door  to  constrain  the  thirst- 
ing and  hungering  travelers  to  accept 
such  rest  and  refreshment  as  he  could 
offer  them  during  the  heat  of  the  day, 
angels  have  been  entertained  unawares  in 
the  guise  of  strangerhood. 

"Did  you  know  the  B 's  before  they 

came  to  our  town?"  asked  an  inquisitive 
New  Englander  of  one  of  her  near  neigh- 
bors. 

"No." 

"Then — you  won't  mind  my  asking 
you? — why  did  you  invite  them  to  dinner 

150 


HOSPITALITY   AS    A   DUTY 

on  Thanksgiving  Day?  It's  made  a  deal 
of  talk." 

Abraham's  disciple  smiled. 

"Because  they  were  strangers,  and 
seemed  to  be  lonely.  They  are  respect- 
able and  they  live  on  my  street." 

Poetical  justice  requires  me  to  add  that 
the  B—  -'s,  who  became  the  lifelong 
friends  of  their  first  hostess  in  the  strange 
land,  proved  to  be  people  of  distinction 
whom  the  best  citizens  of  the  exclusive  lit- 
tle town  soon  vied  with  one  another  in 
"cultivating."  In  ignorance  of  their  ante- 
cedents the  imitator  of  the  tent-holder  of 
Mamre  did  her  duty  from  the  purest  of 
motives. 

Not  one  individual  or  one  family  has  a 
moral  or  a  social  right  to  neglect  the  prac- 
tice of  hospitality.  Unless  one  is  con- 
fined to  the  house  or  bed  by  illness,  one 
should  visit  and  invite  visits  in  return. 

We  are  human  beings,  not  hermit  crabs. 

151 


XIV 

THE  HOUSE  OF  MOURNING 

The  observance  of  mourning  is  a  diffi- 
cult matter  to  treat,  for  individual  feeling 
enters  largely  into  the  question.  Still, 
there  are  certain  rules  accepted  by  those 
who  would  not  be  made  remarkable  by 
their  scorn  of  conventionalities. 

The  matter  of  mourning-cards  and  sta- 
tionery has  been  treated  in  the  chapter  on 
"Calls  and  Cards,"  and  on  "Letter- Writ- 
ing." A  word  may  here  be  added  with 
regard  to  the  letter  of  condolence.  This 
should  be  written  to  the  bereaved  person 
as  soon  as  practicable  after  the  death  for 
which  she  mourns.  It  must  not  be  long, 
but  should  express  in  a  few  sincere  words 
the  sympathy  felt,  and  the  wish  to  do 
something  to  help  alleviate  the  mourner's 

152 


THE    HOUSE    OF   MOURNING 

distress.  This  letter  does  not  demand  an 
answer,  but  some  persons  try,  some  weeks 
after  such  letters  have  been  received,  to 
reply  to  them.  This  is  not  really  neces- 
sary, except  when  the  writer  is  a  near 
friend  of  the  family.  In  many  cases,  a 
black-edged  card  bearing  the  words, 
"Thanks  for  your  kind  sympathy,"  is 
mailed  to  the  writer. 

If  one  does  not  write  a  letter,  one  may 
send  to  or  leave  at  the  house  of  mourning 
a  card,  bearing  the  words,  "Sincere  sym- 
pathy" upon  it. 

It  is  now  customary  to  accompany  the 
funeral  notice  in  the  daily  papers  with  the 
sentence,  "Kindly  omit  flowers."  This  is 
especially  customary  when  the  deceased  is 
a  well-known  or  popular  person.  To  send 
flowers  after  the  appearance  of  such  a 
notice  is  the  height  of  rudeness  and  shows 
little  respect  to  the  dead  and  none  for  the 
family.  There  are  many  funerals  at 

153 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

which  flowers  are  a  burden, — there  is  such 
a  profusion  of  them.  Not  only  is  it  neces- 
sary to  have  a  special  coach  to  transport 
the  huge  floral  emblems  to  the  cemetery, 
but  there  they  soon  fade,  leaving  the  wire 
forms  to  rust  and  become  an  eyesore  until 
the  caretaker  of  the  section  removes  them. 
It  is  far  better,  if  one  does  send  flowers, 
to  let  them  be  bunches  of  loose  blossoms, 
which  may  be  strewn  over  the  grave,  and 
which,  in  fading,  will  not  leave  a  hideous 
skeleton  of  stained  wire  to  torture  the 
sight  of  the  first  visitors  to  the  newly- 
made  grave.  If  there  are  more  of  these 
blossoms  than  can  be  taken  to  the  cem- 
etery, those  left  may  be  sent  to  the  in- 
mates of  hospitals,  who  need  not  know 
that  they  were  intended  for  a  funeral.  If 
the  request  "no  flowers"  is  made  publicly, 
let  outsiders  leave  to  the  members  of  the 
family  of  the  deceased  the  melancholy 
privilege  of  supplying  the  few  choice 

154 


THE    HOUSE    OF   MOURNING 

flowers  that  accompany  their  dear  one  to 
his  last  resting-place.  It  is  surely  their 
privilege. 

In  attending  a  funeral,  one  should  be 
very  prompt,  and  yet  not  so  far  ahead  of 
the  hour  set  as  to  arrive  before  the  final 
arrangements  are  completed.  At  a  church 
or  house  funeral,  one  should  wait  to  be 
seated  as  the  undertaker  or  his  assistant 
directs.  Nor  should  one  ever  linger  after 
the  services  to  speak  to  any  members  of 
the  family,  unless  one  is  particularly  re- 
quested to  do  so. 

In  churches  of  two  denominations  it  is 
not  customary  to  have  the  coffin  opened 
to  the  public  gaze.  It  is  a  pity  that  this 
law  is  not  universal,  but  it  is  becoming 
more  common  to  have  the  casket  left 
closed  through  the  entire  service.  It  cer- 
tainly spares  the  mourners  the  agonizing 
period  during  which  the  long  line  of 
friends,  and  strangers  who  come  from 

155 


EVERYDAY   ETIQUETTE 

vulgar  curiosity,  file  past  and  look  on 
the  unshielded  features  of  the  dead.  Some 
one  has  said  that  the  custom  of  allowing 
the  curious  who  did  not  know  the  deceased, 
and  who  cared  nothing  for  him,  to  gaze 
on  his  face  after  death,  seems  to  be  taking 
an  unfair  advantage  of  the  dead. 

Many  persons  prefer  a  quiet  house  fu- 
neral for  one  they  love,  for  there  are  few 
persons  vulgar  or  bold  enough  to  force 
themselves  into  the  house  of  mourning, 
where  only  those  who  knew  and  loved  the 
departed  are  supposed  to  be  welcome. 

At  a  house  funeral  the  clergyman 
stands  at  the  head  of  the  coffin  while  he 
reads  the  service,  the  audience  standing 
or  sitting  as  the  custom  of  the  special  serv- 
ice used  demands. 

At  a  church  funeral,  the  clergyman 
meets  the  coffin  at  the  door  and  precedes  it 
up  the  aisle,  reading  the  burial  service. 
As  he  begins  to  read,  the  congregation 

156 


THE    HOUSE    OF   MOURNING 

rises  and  stands  as  the  procession  moves 
forward.  When,  after  the  services,  the 
coffin  is  lifted  by  the  bearers,  the  congre- 
gation again  arises  and  remains  standing 
until  the  casket  has  been  taken  from  the 
church.  A  private  interment,  or  one  at 
the  convenience  of  the  family,  is  now  al- 
most universal.  Unless  invited,  no  out- 
sider, even  if  he  be  a  friend  of  the  family, 
will  go  to  the  cemetery  under  such  circum- 
stances. 

After  the  funeral,  and  when  one's 
friends  have  become  accustomed  to  their 
sorrow,  is  the  time  when  grief  is  the  hard- 
est to  bear.  It  is  then  that  the  sympathetic 
person  may  do  much  toward  brightening 
the  long  and  dreary  days  in  the  house  of 
mourning.  Flowers  left  at  the  door  oc- 
casionally, frequent  calls,  an  occasional 
cheering  note,  a  bright  book  lent,  are  a 
few  of  the  small  courtesies  that  amount 
to  actual  benefactions.  Only  those  who 
157 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

have  had  to  learn  to  live  with  a  grief 
that  is  almost  forgotten  by  others  know 
what  such  tokens  of  thoughtful  sympathy 
mean. 

The  heaviest  mourning  demanded  by 
conventionality  is  worn  by  a  widow,  but 
even  she  is  now  allowed  to  dispense  with 
the  heavy  crape  veil.  In  its  place  is  the 
long  veil  of  nun's  veiling,  which  is  worn 
over  the  face  only  at  the  funeral.  With  it 
is  a  face-veil,  trimmed  with  crape,  and  a 
white  ruche  or  "widow's  cap"  stitched  in- 
side of  the  brim  of  the  small  bonnet.  The 
dress  is  of  Henrietta  cloth,  or  other  lus- 
terless  material,  and  may  be  trimmed  with 
crape.  Black  suede  gloves  and  black-bor- 
dered handkerchiefs, — if  these  are  liked, 
— are  proper.  The  widow  seldom  discards 
her  veil  under  two  years, — some  widows 
wear  it  always.  After  the  first  year  it  is 
shortened. 

It  is  a  matter  for  congratulation  that 

158 


THE    HOUSE    OF    MOURNING 

crape,  that  most  expensive,  unwholesome, 
perishable  and  inartistic  of  materials,  is 
worn  less  and  less  with  each  passing  year. 
Surely  to  have  to  wrap  oneself  in  its  stiff 
and  malodorous  folds  adds  discomfort  to 
grief.  It  is  now  seldom  worn  except  by 
widows,  although  a  daughter  may  wear  it 
for  a  parent,  a  mother  for  her  child. 

The  matter  of  the  mourning-veil  is  one 
each  person  must  settle  for  herself,  al- 
though the  strictest  followers  of  fashion 
deprecate  its  use  for  any  women  except 
widows.  Some  bereaved  daughters  and 
mothers  wear  it,  but  not  for  a  long  period, 
seldom  longer  than  six  months. 

Mourning  for  the  members  of  one's  im- 
mediate family  may  be  worn  for  a  year, 
then  lightened.  Mourning  for  a  relative- 
in-law  is  lightened  at  the  end  of  three  or 
six  months. 

While  on  this  subject  it  would  be  well 
to  call  attention  to  the  fact  that  one  should 
159 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

either  wear  conventional  black,  or  no  black 
at  all.  For  a  widow  to  wear,  as  a  well- 
known  woman  did  recently,  a  long  veil 
and  gray  suede  gloves,  borders  on  the 
ridiculous.  Nor  should  velvet,  cut  jet, 
satin  and  lace  be  donned  by  those  wearing 
the  insignia  of  grief.  Nor  are  black-and- 
white  combined  deep  mourning.  They 
may  be  worn  when  the  weeds  are  light- 
ened, but  not  when  one  is  wearing  the 
strictly  conventional  garb  of  dolor.  Even 
widows  may  wear  all  white,  but  not  with 
black  ribbons,  unless  the  heavy  black  has 
been  laid  aside  for  what  may  be  called  the 
"second  stage"  of  bereavement.  At  first, 
all  materials  either  in  black  or  white,  must 
be  of  dull  finish.  Dresses  may  be  of  nun's 
veiling,  Henrietta  cloth,  and  other  un- 
shining  wool  fabrics,  or  of  dull,  lusterless 
silks.  Simple  white  muslins,  lawns  and 
mulls  are  proper,  but  must  not  be  trimmed 
with  laces  or  embroidered. 
160 


THE    HOUSE    OF    MOURNING 

For  men,  black  or  gray  suits,  black 
gloves  and  ties,  and  a  black  band  upon  the 
hat,  are  proper.  The  tie  should  be  of  taf- 
feta or  grosgrain  silk,  not  of  satin  or  fig- 
ured silk.  I  would  lay  especial  stress  on 
the  poor  taste  of  the  recent  fad  of  wear- 
ing a  black  band  upon  the  sleeve  of  a  tan 
coat.  If  a  man  is  too  little  grieved,  or  too 
poor  to  buy  a  black  or  gray  coat,  or  to 
have  the  tan  coat  dyed  black,  let  him  wear 
it,  and  dispense  with  the  reminder  that  he 
is  an  object  for  condolences.  The  same 
rule  applies  to  the  would-be  smart  young 
woman  who  sports  a  narrow  black  strip 
upon  the  left  arm  of  her  tan  rain-coat  or 
walking- jacket.  If  she  can  not  wear  con- 
ventional and  suitable  mourning,  she 
would  better  wear  none. 

The  matter  of  the  period  of  time  in 

which  a  mourner  should  shun  society  is  a 

subject  on   which   one   may  hesitate  to 

express  an  opinion,  as  there  are  too  many 

161 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

persons  whose  views  would  not  coincide 
with  ours.  In  this  case,  as  in  others,  one 
must,  to  a  certain  extent,  be  a  rule  unto 
oneself.  One  who  is  very  sad  shrinks  nat- 
urally from  going  into  gay  society  for  the 
first  few  months  after  bereavement.  The 
contrast  of  the  gaiety  with  the  mourner's 
feelings  must,  of  necessity,  cause  her  pain. 
To  such  an  one  we  need  suggest  no  rules. 
To  those  less  sensitive  or  less  unhappy,  it 
would  be  well  to  say  that  deep  black  and 
festive  occasions  do  not  form  a  good  com- 
bination. While  one  wears  crape  and  a 
long  veil  one  should  shun  receptions,  opera 
boxes,  teas,  and  all  such  places.  Later,  as 
one  lightens  one's  mourning,  one  may  at- 
tend the  theater,  small  functions,  and  in- 
formal affairs.  Even  the  very  sad  may  go 
to  the  theater  when  they  would  shrink 
from  attending  an  affair  at  which  they 
would  meet  strangers  and  where  they 
would  be  obliged  to  laugh  and  be  gay. 
162 


THE    HOUSE    OF    MOURNING 

After  the  first  few  months  of  conven- 
tional retirement  are  past  the  sufferer 
must  decide  for  herself  what  she  may  and 
may  not  do.  We  would  add,  rather  as  a 
suggestion  than  as  a  law  of  etiquette,  that 
the  onlooker  forbear  to  judge  of  the  be- 
havior of  the  recently-bereaved.  The  heart 
knoweth  its  own  bitterness,  and  if  that 
bitterness  can  be  sweetened  by  some  genial 
outside  influence,  let  others  hesitate  to 
condemn  the  owner  of  the  heart  from 
seeking  that  sweetness.  Those  whom  we 
have  lost,  if  they  were  worth  loving, 
would  be  glad  to  know  that  our  lives  were 
not  all  dark. 


163 


XV 

AT  TABLE 

Rules  for  setting  the  table  change  from 
year  to  year,  so  it  is  not  possible  to  give 
many  directions  for  laying  the  board. 
Fine  table-cloth  and  napkins  of  pure 
white  are  always  en  regie,  and  the  great- 
est care  must  be  bestowed  upon  the  proper 
laundering  of  these.  At  the  right  of  each 
place  stand  the  water  glass  and  the  wine 
glasses,  if  these  last  are  used.  To  the 
right  of  the  plate  is  the  knife,  to  the  left, 
the  fork.  The  folded  napkin  is  laid  on 
the  right-hand  side  of  the  knife.  The 
soup  and  dessert  spoons  may  be  placed  at 
the  right  of  the  knives,  or  horizontally 
across  the  table  at  the  upper  side  of  the 
plate.  At  breakfast  and  luncheon  the 
bread-and-butter  plate,  holding  a  small 

164 


AT    TABLE 

knife,  stands  at  the  end  of  the  forks  on  the 
upper  left  hand  side  of  the  place. 

The  matter  with  which  we  have  espe- 
cially to  do  just  now  is  the  manners  of  the 
eater.  The  table  may  be  simply  or  elabo- 
rately laid,  as  circumstances  and  taste  dic- 
tate. It  goes  without  saying  that  every 
housekeeper  will  have  her  board  as  at- 
tractive in  appearance  as  possible,  and 
that  she  will  never  omit  the  bowl  or  vase 
of  flowers  from  the  center  of  it.  If  her 
purse  will  not  allow  this  decoration  in 
mid-winter  she  may  substitute  a  potted 
plant  or  a  vase  containing  a  few  sprays 
of  English  ivy,  or  Wandering  Jew. 

The  men  never  sit  down  until  the 
women  are  seated.  Each  man  draws  out 
for  her  the  chair  of  the  woman  who  sits 
next  him.  Even  in  the  quiet  home-life 
this  practice  should  be  observed,  and  hus- 
band or  sons  must  always  draw  from  the 
table  the  chair  in  which  the  wife  or  mother 

165 


EVERYDAY   ETIQUETTE 

is  to  sit,  and  remain  standing  until  she  is 
seated.  As  soon  as  all  are  at  the  table  the 
napkin  is  unfolded  and  placed  across  the 
knees.  It  need  not  be  opened  wide,  unless 
it  is  a  small  breakfast  or  luncheon  servi- 
ette. When  the  hostess  begins  to  eat,  the 
others  follow  her  example.  All  food  must 
be  eaten  slowly,  and,  above  all,  noiselessly. 
Many  a  fastidious  person  has  had  her  en- 
joyment of  her  soup  spoiled  by  the  audi- 
ble sipping  of  it  by  her  vis-a-vis  or  her 
next  neighbor.  The  soup  should  be  lifted 
from  the  plate  by  an  outward  sweep  of  the 
spoon,  and  taken  quietly  from  the  side, 
not  the  tip,  of  the  spoon.  It  is  bad  form 
to  break  bread  or  crackers  into  the  soup, 
and  the  plate  containing  the  liquid  should 
never  be  tipped  in  order  to  obtain  every 
drop  of  the  contents. 

Fish  is  not  to  be  touched  with  the  knife. 
There  is  reason  for  this.   The  cutting  of 
some  delicate  sea-food  with  a  steel  knife 
166 


AT    TABLE 

affects  the  flavor  of  it,  and  renders  it  less 
delicate.  The  flesh  is  so  tender  that  it  may 
be  cut  with  a  silver  fork,  and  this  is  the 
only  implement  permitted  in  its  manipu- 
lation. The  same  rule  applies  to  salads, 
which  are  never,  by  the  followers  of  con- 
ventionality, touched  with  the  knife.  Let- 
tuce is,  before  serving,  broken  into  bits  of 
a  convenient  size  to  be  carried  to  the 
mouth.  If  this  is  not  done,  the  eater 
should  cut  it  with  the  side  of  the  fork,  or 
fold  each  bit  over  into  a  convenient  size 
for  eating. 

It  should  not  be  necessary  to  remind 
people  in  this  day  of  decent  behavior  that 
the  knife  must  only  be  used  for  the  pur- 
pose of  cutting  the  food.  When  it  has 
fulfilled  this  duty,  being  wielded  by  the 
right  hand,  the  food  being  held  in  place 
by  the  fork  in  the  left,  the  fork  is  then 
taken  in  the  right  hand,  and  the  knife 
laid,  with  the  edge  turned  outward,  across 
167 


EVERYDAY   ETIQUETTE 

tHe  back  of  the  plate.  It  is  generally  sup- 
posed that  all  classes  know  the  use  of  the 
knife,  yet  in  a  fashionable  restaurant 
there  recently  sat  a  handsomely-attired 
woman  carrying  French  pease  to  her 
mouth  with  the  blade  of  her  knife ! 

It  is  an  atrocity  to  pile  several  kinds  of 
food  upon  the  fork,  mold  them  into  a 
small  mound  with  the  knife,  and  then 
"dump"  the  load  into  wide-open  jaws. 
Each  kind  of  viand  should  be  lifted,  a 
small  bit  at  a  time,  upon  the  fork.  Masti- 
cation should  be  absolutely  noiseless,  and 
the  process  conducted  with  the  lips  closed. 

Bread,  even  when  hot,  may  be  broken 
off,  a  small  piece  at  a  time,  buttered  upon 
the  plate,  then  eaten.  All  hot  bread  should 
be  torn  open  or  broken  with  the  fingers, 
never  cut  into  bits.  To  butter  a  slice  of 
bread  by  laying  it  upon  the  table  or,  more 
disgusting  still,  upon  the  palm  of  the 
hand,  is  a  relic  of  barbarism. 
168 


AT    TABLE 

A  mouthful  must  never  be  so  large  as 
to  make  it  impossible  for  the  eater  to 
speak  if  a  question  be  addressed  to  him 
while  he  is  disposing  of  it.  Nor  can  too 
great  stress  be  laid  upon  the  duty  of  slow 
eating  and  thorough  mastication  of  all 
kinds  of  food.  Not  only  does  it  add  to  the 
grace  of  the  table-manners,  but  it  pre- 
vents indigestion. 

Never  touch  the  food  on  the  plate  with 
the  fingers,  to  push  it  upon  the  fork.  If 
anything  must  be  used  for  this  purpose, 
let  it  be  a  bit  of  bread,  but,  if  possible, 
dispense  altogether  with  assistance  of  any 
kind.  The  fork  should  be  equal  to  getting 
up  all  that  is  absolutely  essential,  and 
comfort  does  not  depend  upon  securing 
every  particle  of  meat  or  vegetables  with 
which  the  plate  is  supplied. 

Every  year  the  spoon  has  fewer  uses, 
and  the  fork  has  more.  Now,  when  it  is 
possible,  desserts  are  taken  with  the  fork 
169 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

where  a  spoon  used  to  be  employed.  Pie, 
cake,  ice-cream  and  firm  puddings,  with 
all  kinds  of  fruit,  are  eaten  with  the  fork. 
Of  course  the  spoon  is  still  essential  for 
semi-solids,  such  as  custards,  creams,  and 
jellies. 

There  are  a  few  things  which  one  is  al- 
lowed to  eat  with  the  fingers,  besides 
breads  of  all  varieties.  Such  are  Sara- 
toga chips,  olives  and  small  bird-bones, — 
these  last  to  be  taken  daintily  in  the  fin- 
ger-tips. It  is  no  longer  considered  good 
form  to  eat  asparagus  with  the  fingers, 
although  some  very  well-bred  persons  still 
do  it.  It  is  certainly  an  ugly  sight  to  wit- 
ness one's  opposite  neighbor  eating  as- 
paragus in  this  manner.  It  is  possibly  not 
so  unattractive  as  to  see  him  eat  corn  from 
the  cob.  But  no  better  way  of  disposing 
of  this  last  vegetable  has  as  yet  been  in- 
vented. 

At  breakfast,  one  may  drink  coffee 
170 


AT    TABLE 

with  sugar  and  cream,  but  when  black,  or 
after-dinner  coffee  is  served  in  a  small 
cup,  which  is  known  as  a  demi-tasse, 
cream  should  be  omitted.  To  ask  for  this 
when  it  is  not  on  the  table  is  the  height  of 
rudeness.  One  should  learn  to  drink  his 
after-dinner  coffee  without  cream.  Sugar 
is,  of  course,  permissible.  There  is  sense 
in  this  dictate  of  fashion,  as  in  many  of 
the  other  rules  laid  down  by  this  dicta- 
torial dame.  The  coffee  taken  at  the  end 
of  a  hearty  meal  is  intended  to  act  as  a 
"settler"  to  the  repast  and  to  aid  the  work 
of  digestion.  This  it  does  much  more 
easily  when  clear  than  when  "qualified" 
with  milk  or  cream. 

After  the  salad  course  at  a  dinner,  and 
before  the  dessert  is  brought  in,  the  wait- 
ress removes  the  crumbs  from  the  table, 
using  a  tray  and  folded  napkin  for  this 
purpose.  When  she  does  this  it  is  bad 
form  for  the  guest  to  lay  in  the  tray  any 
171 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

bits  of  bread  that  may  be  left  at  his  place 
or  to  assist  the  waitress  by  moving  his 
glass,  salt-cellar,  or  any  other  article  that 
may  be  left  on  the  table.  A  good  waitress 
should  remove  salt-cellars,  pepper-cruets, 
and  such  articles,  before  crumbing  the 
table,  leaving  only  the  glasses  at  each 
place.  It  is  her  business  to  do  all  this  so 
quietly  and  deftly  that  the  guests  are 
scarcely  conscious  of  it.  To  further  this 
end,  let  the  whole  affair  be  attended  to  by 
the  waitress,  and  do  not  seem  to  notice  any 
lapses  on  her  part. 

At  the  end  of  the  meal  the  finger-bowls 
are  used.  The  ends  of  the  ringers  are 
dipped  in  the  water,  and  the  lips  touched 
with  these;  then  mouth  and  hands  are 
wiped  upon  the  napkin  which  is  left,  un- 
folded, at  the  side  of  the  plate,  if  one  is 
taking  only  one  meal  in  the  house.  If  a 
longer  stay  is  expected,  he  may  watch  his 
hosts  to  see  what  they  do  with  their  nap- 
172 


AT    TABLE 

kins,  and  follow  their  example  in  dispos- 
ing of  his. 

Dinner  over,  the  hostess  makes  the 
movement  to  rise,  and  she,  with  the  other 
ladies,  proceeds  to  the  parlor.  There  they 
are  joined  later  by  the  gentlemen.  At  an 
informal  or  family  dinner,  the  men  and 
women  may  leave  the  table  together,  the 
men  standing  aside  to  let  the  women  pass 
out  first,  and  in  the  drawing-room  cigars 
may  be  lighted  by  the  men  after  they  have 
asked  permission  of  the  women  to  smoke. 

All  the  above  rules  with  regard  to  the 
company  dinner  apply  to  the  family  din- 
ner as  well.  One  can  not  be  too  careful  in 
observing  the  laws  of  table  etiquette  in 
the  family  circle  if  one  would  be  at  ease 
in  company. 

One    warning    I    would    give    to    the 

hostess  or  home-maker :  Do  not  apologize 

unless  necessary!    If  a  dish  is  a  signal 

failure,  say  with  an  apologetic  smile  that 

173 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

you  regret  that  such  a  thing  was  spoiled 
in  the  baking,  or  that  you  fear  the  meat  is 
very  rare,  and,  unless  the  matter  can  be 
remedied,  let  it  go  at  that.  You  but  em- 
barrass your  guests  and  put  them  to  the 
disagreeable  necessity  of  reassuring  you, 
if  you  dwell  upon  the  matter.  And  if  a 
guest  drop  a  cup,  or  upset  a  glass,  or  have 
any  other  accident,  he  should  apologize  in 
a  few  sincere  words,  and  then  say  no  more 
about  the  matter.  If  he  choose  to  do  so, 
he  may,  after  dinner,  speak  in  an  aside  to 
his  host,  and  express  his  regret  at  his  care- 
lessness. 

The  host  should  never  insist  that  one  be 
served  a  second  time  to  any  dish  after  it 
has  been  positively  declined.  To  do  this  is 
rude  and  no  less  disagreeable  to  the  object 
of  the  attention  because  it  is  kindly  meant. 
At  a  formal  dinner  one  is  not  served  a 
second  time  to  any  dish,  but  at  an  infor- 
mal dinner,  what  are  called  "second 

174 


AT   TABLE 

helps,"  are  quite  permissible  and  convey 
a  subtle  compliment  to  the  hostess.  When 
a  plate  is  sent  back  to  the  carver  for  a 
fresh  supply  of  meat,  the  knife  and  fork 
should  be  laid  side  by  side  upon  it,  not 
held  in  the  hand,  as  some  persons  insist. 
And  when  one  has  finished  eating,  the 
knife  and  fork  are  laid  in  the  same  man- 
ner upon  the  plate. 

The  napkin  must  never  be  tucked  into 
the  neck  of  gown  or  shirt,  nor  must  it  be 
fastened  to  the  belt  or  the  waistcoat-but- 
ton. After  one  leaves  the  nursery  one 
should  be  able  to  eat  without  a  bib. 


175 


XVI 

ETIQUETTE   IN   THE   HOME 

"As  a  man  thinketh  in  his  heart,  so  is 
he,"  declares  the  Book  of  books.  And  as 
a  man  is  in  his  home,  so  will  he  be  abroad, 
when  the  "company  manner"  rubs  off. 

One  frequently  becomes  involved  in 
some  quite  unexpected  circumstance  that 
scratches  off  the  beautiful  surface-color- 
ing, if  it  be  only  as  deep  as  the  hue  on  the 
stained  wood. 

The  manner  that  one  puts  on  when  one 
goes  into  a  friend's  house,  or  dons  when 
one  is  "in  company,"  is  what  may  be  called 
"adjustable  courtesy."  If  it  is  not  made 
of  the  best  material  it  seldom  fits  well. 

Not  long  ago  a  friend  drove  with  us  by 
the  house  of  a  man  whose  society  manners, 
when  first  seen,  call  forth  admiration. 
176 


ETIQUETTE    IN    THE    HOME 

Upon  this  particular  spring  afternoon,  he 
sat  upon  the  veranda  of  his  home.  As  we 
approached,  and  he  met  our  glance,  he 
sprang  to  his  feet,  bowed  low,  and  re- 
mained standing  until  we  had  passed. 

"What  a  pretty  attention  to  pay  to  two 
women!"  we  exclaimed. 

Our  friend  gave  a  significant  shrug, 
and  called  our  notice  to  the  fact  that  the 
man's  wife  had,  before  we  came  by,  driven 
up  to  the  end  of  the  veranda,  and  that  she 
was,  unaided,  climbing  from  a  high  trap 
in  which  she  and  her  two  little  girls  had 
been  driving,  while  her  husband  lolled  at 
ease  in  a  steamer  chair.  It  took  the  pres- 
ence of  a  woman  who  did  not  belong  to 
him  to  bring  him  to  his  feet.  Looking 
back,  after  we  had  passed,  we  noted  that 
he  had  again  resumed  his  lounging  atti- 
tude, and  that  his  wife  was  lifting  the 
second  child  from  the  carriage. 

Such  is  adjustable  courtesy!  It  is  not 
177 


EVERYDAY   ETIQUETTE 

an  everyday  garment,  and  is,  conse- 
quently, only  worn  to  impress  strangers. 

No  one  can  afford  to  do  the  injustice  to 
his  better  self  of  allowing  himself  to  be- 
come careless  toward  those  with  whom  he 
lives,  or  to  neglect  the  small  sweet  courte- 
sies that  should  be  found  in  the  home, 
if  anywhere.  It  is  the  home  etiquette  that 
makes  the  public  etiquette  what  it  should 
be.  This  reminder  can  not  be  repeated  too 
often. 

In  many  houses  the  men  forget  to  show 
the  respect  due  to  the  wife,  mother 
and  sisters.  Parents  should  train  their 
sons  to  stand  when  a  woman  enters  the 
room,  and  to  remain  standing  until  she  sits 
down.  The  considerate  husband  rises  and 
offers  his  wife  the  easy-chair  in  which  he 
is  seated.  She,  knowing  that  he  is  weary 
after  a  hard  day  at  the  office,  will  not  take 
the  chair,  but  she  will  appreciate  the  little 
attention,  and  love  him  the  better  for  it. 
178 


ETIQUETTE    IN    THE    HOME 

In  the  same  way  it  is  always  the  place  of 
a  man  to  stand  aside  and  let  a  woman  pass 
out  or  into  a  room  before  himself.  Going 
down  a  flight  of  stairs,  the  man  goes  first, 
so  that  in  case  the  woman  trips,  he  may 
catch  her.  In  ascending  the  steps,  she 
precedes  him. 

In  the  talk  on  table  etiquette,  we  have 
touched  on  many  points,  but  not  on 
certain  things  that  seem  too  petty  to  be 
mentioned,  as  it  is  not  supposed  that  per- 
sons of  polite  breeding  need  to  be  re- 
minded of  them.  It  is  only  when  one  looks 
in  on  the  home-life  of  some  so-called 
"nice"  people  that  one  feels  that  perhaps 
after  all  to  call  attention  to  these  points 
would  not  be  superfluous. 

One  of  these  is  the  use  of  the  toothpick. 
To  wield  this  in  company  is  barbarous ;  to 
produce  it  at  table  is  disgusting.  The  idea 
of  having  a  glass  full  of  toothpicks  upon 
the  family  board  is  as  disagreeably  sug- 
179 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

gestive,  and  more  disgusting,  than  would 
be  the  presence  of  a  bowl  of  water, 
flanked  on  one  side  by  a  cake  of  soap,  on 
the  other  by  a  wash-cloth.  Cleansing  of 
all  parts  of  the  body  should  take  place  in 
the  privacy  of  one's  own  apartment  or  in 
the  bath-room. 

Tipping  back  the  chair  at  table  or  in 
company  is  bad  form.  One  small  child 
was  broken  of  this  habit  when  she  lost  her 
balance  while  swaying  backward  from  the 
table  on  the  two  hind-legs  of  her  chair, 
and  gave  her  head  a  furious  bump  on  the 
floor.  Sobbing,  she  was  lifted  to  her  feet, 
and  met  the  stern  gaze  of  her  father. 

"I  am  very  glad,"  he  said,  "to  see  that 
you  are  badly  enough  hurt  to  be  reminded 
never  to  tip  your  chair  again.  It  is  rude ! 
If  some  grown  persons  I  know  had  re- 
ceived a  similar  lesson  in  childhood,  they 
might  not  offend  the  taste  of  others  as 
they  now  do." 

180 


ETIQUETTE    IN    THE    HOME 

Taking  butter  from  one's  butter-plate 
with  the  tip  of  a  fork  that  has  been  al- 
ready in  one's  mouth  is  another  disagree- 
able trick.  The  like  may  be  said  of  the 
same  way  of  helping  oneself  to  salt.  If  a 
small  butter-knife  and  salt-spoon  are  not 
provided,  the  tip  of  the  knife  may  be  used 
in  their  stead. 

Bolting  food  and  pushing  back  one's 
chair  without  the  preliminary  and  apolo- 
getic "Excuse  me!"  is  the  custom  of  some 
otherwise  estimable  householders.  It 
would  be  better  to  eat  less,  if  one's  time  be 
limited,  and  eat  slowly,  as  food  thus 
taken  in  a  rush  is  of  small  use  in  the  in- 
ternal economy.  A  few  mouth  fids,  well 
masticated,  will  possibly  do  more  good, 
and  certainly  produce  less  discomfort, 
than  three  times  as  much  swallowed  in  in- 
digestible chunks.  And  after  the  short 
repast  has  been  partaken  of,  let  the  mas- 
ter of  the  house  set  the  example  of  com- 

181 


EVERYDAY   ETIQUETTE 

mon  decency  by  uttering  the  conventional 
"Excuse  me!" 

One  hopes  that  it  would  be  a  difficult 
matter  to  find  anybody  so  far  oblivious  of 
ordinary  good  manners  as  to  clean  his 
nails  in  the  dining-room,  but,  let  us  blush 
to  say  it!  one  does  meet  many  men  who 
clean  and  pare  their  nails  in  the  presence 
of  family  and  intimate  friends.  Perhaps 
it  is  due  to  the  fact  that  a  woman  does 
not  carry  a  pocket-knife  that  she  is  sel- 
dom seen  doing  this.  Her  manicure  in- 
struments are  kept  upon  her  dressing- 
table,  and  it  is  in  her  own  room  that  she 
performs  this  very  necessary  part  of  her 
toilet.  Not  so  her  liege  lord.  After 
washing  his  hands  up-stairs,  he  descends, 
open  knife  in  hand,  and,  sitting  down  in 
drawing-room  or  library,  surrounded  by 
his  family,  proceeds  to  perform  scaven- 
ger-work upon  his  nails.  He  will  some- 
times file  them  also,  oblivious  of  the  fact 

182 


ETIQUETTE    IN    THE    HOME 

that  the  sound  of  the  file  produces  a  like 
rasping  effect  on  the  nerves  of  some  be- 
holders. If  a  contingency  arises  that 
makes  it  necessary  for  a  man  to  clean  his 
nails  in  public,  or  in  the  presence  of  his 
family,  let  him  have  the  grace  to  murmur 
an  apology  and  turn  his  back  during  the 
operation. 

Another  rudeness  that  a  man  will  per- 
petrate in  his  own  home,  from  which  he 
would  shrink  in  the  home  of  another  per- 
son, is  that  of  wearing  his  hat  in  the  pres- 
ence of  women.  Every  mother  should 
train  the  small  boy  of  the  house  to  remove 
his  hat  as  soon  as  he  enters  the  front  (or 
back)  door.  To  do  this  will  then  become 
second  nature,  and  it  would  not  be  proba- 
ble that  he  could  ever  be  guilty  of  the 
rudeness  of  standing  in  hall  or  parlor  and 
talking  to  mother,  sister  or  other  feminine 
relative  with  his  hat  on  his  head.  One 
mother  at  least  positively  refuses  to  hear 

183 


EVERYDAY   ETIQUETTE 

what  her  little  son  has  to  say  if  he  ad- 
dresses her  with  his  head  covered.  One 
may  regret  that  with  older  men  other 
women  have  not  the  like  courage  of  their 
convictions.  A  man's  hat  is  so  easily  re- 
moved we  wonder  just  why  he  should 
leave  it  on  in  the  house,  even  if  he  is  go- 
ing out  again  in  a  moment.  The  man 
whose  courtesy  is  not  of  the  adjustable 
type  will  not  do  this,  and  these  remarks 
are  absolutely  superfluous  as  far  as  he  is 
concerned. 

Nor  will  it  be  necessary  to  remind  him 
to  pick  up  the  handkerchief,  thimble,  scis- 
sors or  book  that  the  woman  in  his  pres- 
ence lets  fall, — even  if  she  be  his  wife. 
To  assist  the  feminine  portion  of  human- 
ity comes  natural  to  the  thoroughbred. 

And  just  here  I  would  say  a  word  to 

the  young  person  of  the  so-called  weaker 

sex.   It  is  to  remind  her  that  she,  as  well 

as  her  brother,  owes  the  duty  of  respect  to 

184 


ETIQUETTE    IN    THE    HOME 

her  elders.  She  is  too  prone  to  think  that 
the  boys  of  the  family  should  rise  for  the 
older  people,  should  remain  standing  un- 
til parents  are  seated,  and  should  always 
be  ready  to  run  errands,  or  to  deny  them- 
selves for  their  seniors.  The  duty  to  do  all 
these  things  is  incumbent  on  the  girl  or 
woman  in  the  presence  of  those  who  are 
her  elders  or  superiors.  The  girl  or  young 
matron  who  reclines  in  an  easy-chair, 
while  her  grandparent,  mother,  father,  or 
woman-guest  stands,  is  as  guilty  of  rude- 
ness as  her  brother  would  be  were  he  to  do 
the  same. 

It  is  not  on  the  men  alone  that  the 
etiquette  of  the  home  depends.  Indeed  it 
is  the  place  of  the  mother  to  see  that  little 
lapses  in  good  breeding  are  not  over- 
looked. And  she  is  the  one  who  should,  by 
her  unselfishness,  her  gentle  courtesy,  and 
unfailing  politeness  in  even  the  smallest 
items,  show  forth  the  spirit  of  true  kind- 

185 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

ness,  on  which  all  good  manners  are 
founded. 

One  thing  that  makes  for  peace  and 
etiquette  in  the  home  is  the  recognition  of 
the  rights  of  others.  For  this  reason  one 
member  of  the  family  should  never  in- 
quire into  another's  correspondence,  into 
his  engagements,  social  or  otherwise,  or 
ask  questions  even  of  his  nearest  and  dear- 
est. The  fact  that  a  man  is  one  of  a  fam- 
ily, every  member  of  which  is  dear  to  him, 
does  not  mean  that  he  has  no  individual- 
ity, or  that  he  must  share  the  secrets  of  his 
friendships  or  business  matters  with  any 
one.  He  should  always  feel  in  the  home 
that  any  confidences  he  may  care  to  give 
are  most  welcome,  but  that  such  confi- 
dences are  never  demanded  or  expected. 

In  recognizing  these  rights  of  others, 
one  must  remember  that  each  person's 
own  room  is  sacred  to  himself.  It  is  inex- 
cusably rude  for  one  member  of  a  family 

186 


ETIQUETTE    IN    THE    HOME 

to  enter  the  room  of  any  other  member 
without  first  knocking  at  the  door  and  re- 
ceiving permission  to  "come  in."  Each 
human  being  should  feel  that  he  has  one 
locality  that  belongs  to  him  where  he  can 
be  alone  unless  he  decrees  otherwise.  To 
further  this  end  the  wife  should  knock  at 
her  husband's  door  before  she  enters  his 
room,  and  the  husband  should  show  her 
the  same  consideration,  while  brothers  and 
sisters  should  always  give  the  warning 
tap,  which  is  virtually  a  request  for  per- 
mission to  enter,  before  opening  the  door 
that  the  occupant  of  the  room  has  closed 
behind  him  or  her. 


187 


XVII 

IN    PUBLIC 

The  subject  of  this  chapter  is  so  large 
that  we  almost  despair  of  doing  more 
than  touch  on  a  few  of  the  many  points 
it  should  cover. 

Perhaps  it  would  be  well  to  give  first  a 
few  rules  for  that  most  public  of  places, 
— the  street. 

The  question  as  to  the  etiquette  of  rais- 
ing the  hat  is  one  that  demands  attention, 
— and  yet  the  rules  are  simple. 

A  man  always  uncovers  his  head  com- 
pletely when  he  returns  a  woman's  bow. 
He  does  the  same  when  he  meets  a  man  he 
knows  walking  with  a  woman,  whether  she 
be  known  to  him  or  not.  When  a  man  is 
walking  or  driving  with  a  woman  and  she 
bows  to  a  man  or  woman  she  meets,  her  es- 

188 


IN    PUBLIC 

cort  lifts  his  hat.  On  parting  with  a 
woman  he  bares  his  head.  If  he  stand  and 
talk  with  her,  he  should  hold  his  hat  in  his 
hand  unless  she  asks  him  to  cover  his  head, 
or  unless  the  day  be  cold, — in  which  case 
he  says,  "Will  you  pardon  me  if  I  put  on 
my  hat?"  Then,  when  he  leaves  her,  he 
again  uncovers. 

As  a  safe  rule  in  whist  is,  "When  in 
doubt,  lead  trumps,"  so  a  safe  rule  for  a 
man  in  public  would  be,  "When  in  doubt, 
take  off  your  hat." 

When  a  man  meets  a  woman  on  the 
street,  and  wishes  to  talk  with  her  for  a 
moment,  he  should,  if  time  allow,  turn 
and  walk  a  little  way  with  her,  rather  than 
stop  and  thus  hinder  her.  If  he  have  a 
business  engagement  that  makes  this  im- 
possible, he  should  apologize  for  not  do- 
ing so,  in  a  few  words,  as — "Pardon  me 
for  not  walking  with  you  instead  of  stop- 
ping you,  but  my  train  leaves  in  fifteen 
189 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

minutes,"  or,  "I  have  an  appointment  in 
ten  minutes." 

On  a  cold  day,  when  a  man  stands  talk- 
ing with  a  woman  with  his  head  uncov- 
ered, she  should  say,  "Pray  put  on  your 
hat!  I  am  afraid  you  will  catch  cold."  He 
should  accede  to  her  request,  saying 
"Thank  you!"  as  he  does  so. 

It  is  a  woman's  place  to  bow  first,  when 
she  meets  a  man.  Unless  they  are  old 
friends,  the  man  does  not  lift  his  hat  until 
he  has  received  this  sign  of  recognition 
from  a  woman. 

When  men  meet  each  other  on  the  street 
they  may  recognize  each  other  as  they 
please, — by  a  nod,  a  wave  of  the  hand,  or 
by  touching  the  hat.  For  a  man  to  touch 
his  hat  to  a  woman  is  an  insult,  unless  he 
be  a  servant — as  a  coachman  receiving 
an  order  from  his  mistress — when  he  ac- 
knowledges the  order  by  touching  the 
brim  of  his  hat  with  his  hand.  Did  more 
190 


IN    PUBLIC 

men  appreciate  that  they  were  giving  the 
"coachman's  salute"  to  a  woman,  mortifi- 
cation rather  than  courtesy  might  prevent 
a  repetition  of  the  offense. 

When  a  man  is  a  woman's  escort  and 
they  board  a  street-car,  she  should,  with- 
out comment,  allow  him  to  pay  her  fare. 
When  they  get  on  the  same  car  by  chance, 
she  should  make  the  move  to  pay  her  fare, 
but  if  the  man  hands  the  money  to  the  con- 
ductor before  she  does  so,  she  should 
simply  bow  and  say  "Thank  you!"  To 
dispute  about  who  shall  pay  car-fare  is 
bad  form. 

A  man  helps  a  woman  on  the  car,  put- 
ting her  on  ahead  of  himself.  In  getting 
off,  he  goes  out  first,  and  then  helps  her 
out. 

When  all  seats  are  taken  in  a  car  and  a 

woman  enters,  a  gentleman  will  rise  and 

give  her  his  seat,  lifting  his  hat  as  he  does 

so,  which  courtesy  she  should  always  ac- 

191 


EVERYDAY   ETIQUETTE 

knowledge  by  saying  "Thank  you!"  cor- 
dially and  audibly. 

If  the  car  be  full  and  a  woman  enters 
carrying  a  baby  in  her  arms,  any  girl  or 
young  matron  present  should  resign  her 
seat  to  the  burdened  passenger,  unless 
some  masculine  passenger  has  manliness 
enough  to  do  so.  To  the  credit  of  human 
nature  be  it  said  that  we  have  never  seen  a 
mother  with  a  child  in  her  arms  stand  for 
two  minutes,  no  matter  how  crowded  the 
car  might  be. 

Of  course  a  young  woman  should  re- 
sign her  seat  to  an  elderly  woman,  as  she 
will  do  the  same  for  a  very  old  or  infirm 
man. 

The  custom  of  a  man  and  a  woman 
walking  arm-in-arm  at  night  is  rapidly 
falling  into  disuse.  For  couples  to  walk 
in  this  way  in  the  daylight  has  not  been 
customary  for  years,  unless  the  woman  be 
so  aged  or  invalided  as  to  need  the  sup- 
192 


IN    PUBLIC 

port  of  her  escort's  arm.  Now,  even  after 
dark,  there  is  hardly  any  need  of  a  man's 
arm  for  a  woman's  guidance  in  the  bril- 
liantly-lighted streets.  If  the  couple  be 
walking  through  a  poorly-illuminated 
street,  or  on  a  country  road,  or  climbing  a 
steep  hill,  the  man  offers  the  woman  his 
arm.  He  should  also  do  this  at  night  when 
he  holds  an  umbrella  over  her  head.  Even 
in  the  daylight  when  they  cross  a  crowded 
thoroughfare  together  he  should  lightly 
support  her  elbow  with  his  hand  to  pilot 
her  over.  He  should  never,  unless  they  be 
members  of  the  same  family,  take  her  arm 
in  order  to  guide  her. 

In  public  a  man  must  never  attract  a 
woman's  attention  by  clutching  her  arm, 
or — odious  action ! — by  patting  her  on  the 
shoulder  or  back.  If  there  is  such  a  noise 
about  them  that  the  mere  speaking  her 
name  in  a  low  voice  will  not  reach  her  ears, 
he  may  respectfully  touch  her  on  the  arm 
193 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

saying  at  the  same  time,  "Excuse  me, 
please!"  Personal  liberties  are  always  in 
poor  taste,  but  never  more  vulgar  than  in 
a  place  where  they  are  noted  by  all  ob- 
servers. 

If  a  man  escort  a  woman  home,  she 
may  utter  a  brief  "Thank  you!"  to  him 
on  parting  with  him.  Profuse  expres- 
sions of  gratitude  on  such  an  occasion 
are  bad  form.  On  parting  from  him 
after  he  has  taken  her  to  the  theater, 
opera,  or  any  other  entertainment,  she 
may,  when  she  bids  him  good  night,  say 
cordially,  "I  am  indebted  to  you  for  a 
very  pleasant  evening,"  and,  if  she  wish, 
she  may  add,  "We  shall  be  glad  to  have 
you  call  at  any  time." 

A  man  must  never  linger  at  a  woman's 
door  to  utter  his  good-bys,  or  to  speak  a 
few  final  sentences.  Doorstep  chats  may 
do  for  nurse-maids  and  their  attendants. 
They  are  out  of  place  in  higher  circles.  A 
194, 


IN    PUBLIC 

man  rings  the  bell  for  the  woman  he  is  ac- 
companying, and,  if  it  be  too  late  for  him 
to  enter  the  house  for  a  few  minutes,  re- 
moves his  hat,  says  good  night,  and  takes 
his  leave. 

So  much  fun  has  been  made  of  the  cus- 
tom that  some  women  have  of  kissing  each 
other  in  public  places  on  meeting  and 
parting,  it  is  surprising  that  even  gush- 
ing girls  still  adhere  to  the  ridiculous 
fashion.  If  people  must  embrace,  let  it  be 
in  the  sanctity  of  the  home,  or  where  there 
are  no  amused  observers.  If  a  kiss  has  no 
meaning,  then  let  Fashion  do  away  with 
it;  if  it  means  tender  affection,  it  is  too 
sacred  a  token  to  be  exchanged  where  doz- 
ens of  people  may  look  on  and  comment 
on  it.  It  is  hardly  too  sweeping  an  as- 
sertion to  make  when  one  says  that  among 
mere  acquaintances,  kisses  are  best  omit- 
ted altogether.  Do  let  us  have  some 
method  of  salutation  for  those  we  really 
195 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

love  that  is  not  given  as  frequently  and 
freely  to  every  chance  acquaintance  or 
casual  friend!  One  woman  declares  that 
beyond  her  relatives  there  is  no  grown 
person  she  willingly  kisses,  except  two 
women  whom  she  has  known  for  years, 
and  she  respects  them  too  much  to  em- 
brace them  in  the  presence  of  an  unsym- 
pathetic world.  A  warm  hand-clasp  will 
suffice  until  the  people  who  love  each  other 
can  be  alone. 

Of  course  there  are  exceptions  to  this 
rule,  as  to  many  others.  When  a  man  puts 
his  family  upon  the  train  or  boat  which  is 
to  carry  them  from  him,  he  will  uncover 
his  head,  and  kiss  each  one  of  the  beloved 
group.  Many  other  such  exceptions  will 
suggest  themselves.  Common  sense  and 
good  taste  should  keep  one  from  making  a 
mistake  in  these  matters. 

It  is  in  wretched  form  for  a  man  to 
speak  of  a  woman  by  her  first  name  when 
196 


IN    PUBLIC 

talking  to  casual  acquaintances.  It  is  as 
bad  form,  or  nearly  as  bad,  for  a  woman 
to  speak  of  a  man  by  his  last  name,  as 
"Brown"  or  "Smith."  It  takes  very  little 
longer  to  say  "Miss  Mary"  or  "Mr. 
Brown,"  and  the  impression  produced  is 
worth  the  extra  exertion.  Nor,  unless  they 
be  members  of  the  same  family,  does  a 
man  address  a  girl  by  her  first  name  in  a 
crowd  of  outsiders.  In  her  home,  she  may 
be  "Mary"  to  him.  In  public,  let  him  ad- 
dress her  as  "Miss  Smith." 

One  of  the  most  annoying  of  habits  in- 
dulged in  in  public  is  that  of  being  late  at 
the  theater.  It  is  trying  to  have  to  lose 
whole  lines  of  a  play  while  one  rises,  gath- 
ering up  bonnet  and  wraps  to  do  so,  to  al- 
low the  belated  person  to  pass  who  sits 
beyond  one.  It  is  a  pity  that  theater-goers 
do  not  take  more  pains  to  show  each  other 
the  kindness  of  being  in  their  places  be- 
fore the  curtain  rises. 
197 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

In  entering  a  theater,  the  man  stands 
aside  to  allow  the  woman  to  go  into  the 
door  ahead  of  him,  then  steps  forward  to 
show  his  tickets  to  the  usher,  at  the  same 
time  taking  two  programs  from  the  table, 
or  from  the  boy  holding  them.  The  cou- 
pons are  handed  back  to  the  man,  and 
kept  by  him,  in  case  any  mistake  should 
arise  with  regard  to  the  seats.  Then  the 
woman  follows  the  usher  down  the  aisle, 
followed  by  her  escort.  It  is  well  for  both 
men  and  women  to  remove  their  coats 
and  wraps,  either  in  the  vestibule  of  the 
theater  or  before  going  into  their  seats. 
After  sitting  down,  the  woman  takes  off 
her  hat  and  holds  it  in  her  lap  through- 
out the  performance. 

The  same  rules  hold  good  with  regard 
to  a  musicale  or  a  concert,  except  that  at 
these  entertainments  a  woman  does  not  re- 
move her  head-covering. 

I  wish  there  were  any  chance  that  any- 
198 


IN    PUBLIC 

thing  anybody  might  say  could  impress 
on  American  women  that  their  habit  of 
talking  or,  worse  still,  whispering,  during 
a  musical  performance  is  abominably 
rude  I  Let  those  who  have  suffered  by  this 
almost  universal  practice  testify  to  the 
misery  it  causes.  To  have  one's  favorite 
passage  from  a  beloved  composer  marred 
by  "Now  this  is  where  he  dies,  you  know," 
or  "Just  hear  the  thunder  in  that  orches- 
tra, and  now  just  listen  to  the  chirping  of 
the  dear  little  birds!"  or,— "I  don't  think  I 
can  lunch  with  you  to-morrow,  dear,  but 
perhaps  the  next  day,"  "Do  you  think 
those  long  coats  are  becoming  to  short 
women? — who  that  has  undergone  the 
agony  of  being  in  the  vicinity  of  such  a 
talker  can  fail  to  utter  a  fervent  "Amen" 
to  the  frenzied  petition  that  they  be  sup- 
pressed? 


199 


XVIII 

ETIQUETTE  OF  HOTEL  AND  BOARDING- 
HOUSE  LIFE 

There  is  no  better  place  than  a  hotel  in 
which  to  study  the  manners,  or  lack  of 
manners,  of  the  world  at  large.  It  is  here 
that  selfishness  is  rampant,  and  unselfish- 
ness hides  its  diminished  head. 

Before  we  discuss  the  ethics  of  hotel 
life  it  will  be  well  to  give  a  few  general 
directions  as  to  what  one  does  from  the 
time  he  enters  the  door  of  the  building 
which  will,  for  a  long  or  short  time,  he  his 
place  of  abode.  He  proceeds  at  once  to 
the  office,  makes  known  his  desires  with  re- 
gard to  a  room  or  rooms,  and  writes  his 
name  in  the  register  handed  to  him  by  the 
clerk.  He  is  then  assigned  to  his  room, 
and  a  porter  directs  him  thither,  carrying 

200 


BOARDING-HOUSE    LIFE 

hand  luggage.  To  this  porter  he  hands 
his  trunk-check,  and  the  trunk  is  soon 
brought  to  his  room. 

Upon  the  inside  of  the  door  in  every 
hotel-room  is  tacked  a  set  of  rules  of  the 
house,  and  these  are  in  themselves  suffi- 
cient to  instruct  our  uninitiated  traveler  in 
what  is  expected  of  him.  He  here  learns 
that  the  hotel  is  not  responsible  for  val- 
uables left  on  the  bureau  or  table  of  the 
room,  that  the  guest  is  requested  to  keep 
his  trunk  locked,  and  to  lock  his  door 
upon  going  out,  and  to  leave  his  key  at 
the  office;  that  valuable  papers  and  jew- 
elry can  be  left  in  the  safe  of  the  hotel; 
at  what  hours  meals  are  served,  and  so  on. 
All  these  directions  the  considerate  person 
will  observe.  None  of  them  is  unreason- 
able. There  are  many  things  for  which 
no  printed  rules  are  given  which  are  none 
the  less  essential  to  the  correctness  of  de- 
meanor on  the  part  of  a  guest. 

£01 


EVERYDAY   ETIQUETTE 

Loud  talking  is  one  of  the  things  to  be 
avoided.  One  must  remember  that  in  a 
hotel  more  than  in  any  other  place  is  the 
warning  of  the  Frenchman  likely  to  be 
proved  true, — "The  walls  themselves,  my 
lord,  have  ears!"  Each  room  has  an- 
other room  next  to  it,  and  the  partitions 
are  thin.  The  transoms  all  open  upon  a 
general  hall  in  which  can  be  heard  any 
loud  remark  spoken  in  any  one  of  the 
rooms.  If  one  does  not  discuss  affairs 
she  wishes  kept  secret,  she  must  bear  in 
mind  the  fact  that  other  people  may  be 
annoyed  while  resting,  reading  or  talking, 
by  fragmentary  bits  of  conversation 
wafted  to  them.  At  the  hotel  table  one 
must  also  bear  this  in  mind.  Loud  talking 
in  a  public  place  stamps  the  speaker  as  a 
vulgarian,  or  a  person  who  has  seldom 
been  outside  of  his  own  home,  and  has 
never  learned  to  modulate  his  voice. 

On  entering  a  hotel  dining-room,  the 

202 


BOARDING-HOUSE    LIFE 

traveler  pauses  until  the  head  waiter,  or 
one  of  his  assistants,  indicates  a  table 
at  which  he  may  sit.  If  this  table  be  too 
near  the  radiator  or  window,  or  otherwise 
undesirable,  the  guest  may  courteously 
ask  if  he  can  not  be  placed  in  another  lo- 
cality. When  a  man  and  a  woman  are  to- 
gether the  man  enters  the  room  first,  and 
leads  the  way  to  the  table,  on  the  first 
occasion  of  their  taking  a  meal  at  the  ho- 
tel. After  that,  if  they  occupy  the  same 
table  each  day,  the  woman  enters  the  room 
first  and  proceeds  to  her  seat,  followed  by 
the  man.  He,  or  the  waiter,  draws  back 
her  chair  for  her  and  seats  her.  The  man, 
of  course,  remains  standing  until  she  is 
seated. 

The  menu  card  is  handed  to  the  man, 
with  a  pad  or  slip  of  paper  and  pencil. 
Upon  this,  after  discussion  with  the 
woman,  he  writes  his  order.  As  a  rule  he 
orders  the  entire  meal,  except  the  dessert, 

203 


EVERYDAY   ETIQUETTE 

at  once.  The  sweets  can  be  decided  on 
later. 

I  wish  I  could  impress  on  the  minds 
of  persons  in  a  hotel  that  it  is  wretched 
form  to  criticize  audibly  the  viands  set  be- 
fore them.  The  person  sitting  near  you  is 
not  edified  to  hear  you  remark  that  the 
soup  is  wretched,  the  beef  too  rare,  the 
coffee  lukewarm.  If  you  have  any  fault 
to  find,  do  so  to  the  waiter  and  in  such  a 
tone  that  other  guests  can  not  hear  it. 

Above  all,  do  not  scold  the  waiter  for 
that  for  which  he  is  not  to  blame.  He  does 
not  purchase  the  meat,  nor  does  he  fry  the 
oysters.  Show  him  that  you  appreciate 
this  fact,  and  ask  him  politely  if  he  can 
not  get  you  a  better  cut,  or  oysters  that 
are  not  burned.  Some  persons  seem  to 
think  that  it  elevates  them  in  the  opinion 
of  observers  if  they  complain  of  what  is 
set  before  them.  They  fancy,  apparently, 
that  others  will  be  impressed  with  the  idea 
204 


BOARDING-HOUSE    LIFE 

that  they  are  accustomed  to  so  much  better 
fare  at  home  than  that  they  now  have  that 
it  is  a  trial  for  them  to  descend  to  the 
plane  on  which  others  are  eating.  The 
fact  of  the  case  is  that  the  person  who  is 
accustomed  to  dainty  fare,  and  to  even- 
threaded  living,  is  too  well-bred  to  call  the 
attention  of  strangers  to  the  fact. 

While  we  are  on  this  subject  it  would 
be  well  to  remind  the  thoughtless  person 
that  when  he  dines  with  a  friend  at  that 
friend's  hotel,  on  his  invitation,  he  is 
a  guest.  It  is  therefore  rude  for  him  to 
comment  unfavorably  on  the  dishes  on 
the  table.  When,  under  such  circum- 
stances, a  guest  says  to  his  host  pro  tern., 
"My  dear  fellow,  they  do  not  give  you 
good  veal  here!"  or,  "Are  you  not  tired  of 
the  mean  butter  you  eat  at  this  hotel?"  he 
is  criticizing  in  an  offensive  manner  the 
best  that  his  host  can  offer  him,  since  he 
has  no  house  of  his  own  in  which  to  enter- 

205 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

tain.  The  guest  should  act  as  if  it  were  his 
friend's  private  table,  and  forbear  to  criti- 
cize fare  or  service. 

One  of  the  often-unconsidered  items  of 
expense  in  hotel-life  is  the  "tips"  that  one 
must  give.  In  no  other  place  is  one's  hand 
so  often  in  one's  pocket.  A  porter  carries 
a  bag,  and  he  must  be  tipped;  another 
carries  up  a  trunk;  he  must  be  tipped; 
one  rings  for  iced  water,  and  the  boy 
bringing  it  expects  his  ten  cents;  one 
wants  hot  water  every  morning,  and  in 
notifying  the  chambermaid  of  this  fact, 
must  slip  a  bit  of  silver  into  her  palm.  The 
waiter  at  one's  table  must  be  frequently 
remembered,  and  the  head-waiter  will  give 
one  better  attention  if  he  finds  something 
in  his  hand  after  he  shows  the  new  arrival 
to  a  table,  and,  of  course,  on  leaving,  one 
will  also  give  a  fee.  So  it  goes!  When, 
however,  one  is  staying  by  the  week  at  a 
hotel,  "tips"  need  be  given  only  once  a 
206 


BOARDING-HOUSE    LIFE 

week, — unless  some  unusual  favor  is 
asked.  We  may  rebel  against  the  custom, 
and  with  reason.  But  as  not  one  of  us  can 
alter  the  state  of  affairs,  it  is  well  to  ac- 
cept it  with  a  good  grace,  or  reconcile 
oneself  to  indifferent  service. 

The  matter  of  children  in  a  hotel  is 
one  on  which  so  much  has  been  said  and 
written  that  there  is  little  left  to  say.  At 
the  first  glance  one  is  tempted  to  resent 
the  fact  that  many  hotel  proprietors  ob- 
ject to  having  children  accompany  their 
parents  to  the  public  table,  and  that  some 
even  demur  at  their  presence  in  the  house. 
Child-lovers  have  said  bitterly  that  the 
celestial  "many  mansions"  seem  to  be  the 
only  abodes  in  which  the  little  ones  are 
welcome, — and  all  these  opinions  have  a 
great  deal  of  truth  on  their  side.  But  it  is 
not  until  one  has  undergone  the  annoy- 
ance of  ill-governed  children  in  a  house 
where  there  are  no  restrictions  enforced 
207 


EVERYDAY   ETIQUETTE 

on  them,  that  one  sees  the  other  side  of 
the  shield.  One  large  boarding-house  at  a 
fashionable  summer  resort  is  popular  to 
mothers  of  large  families  because  the  pro- 
prietor does  not  object  to  children.  A 
guest  there  last  season  decided  that  if  that 
were  the  case  said  proprietor  had  no 
nerves.  She  soon  learned  that  childless 
guests  declined  to  stay  at  the  place.  Chil- 
dren raced  up  and  down  the  long  corri- 
dors, screaming  as  they  went ;  they  played 
noisily  outside  of  bedroom  doors;  they 
ate  like  little  pigs  at  the  hotel  tables.  In 
short,  they  made  the  house  a  purgatory 
for  all  except  other  children  and  their 
typical  American  mothers. 

I  say  "typical,"  but  there  are  two  types 
of  mothers  in  this  land  of  ours.  One  is  the 
mother  who  hands  the  management  of  the 
children  over  to  a  nurse  or  several  nurses, 
and  she  is,  of  course,  the  rich  woman 
whose  children  see  her  seldom,  and  that 

208 


BOARDING-HOUSE    LIFE 

not  often  enough  to  bother  her.  The 
other  type  is  the  woman  who  has  nerves 
toward  all  things  except  her  own  chil- 
dren's noise.  She  is  such  a  doting  parent 
that  she  is,  to  all  appearances,  blind  and 
deaf  to  the  fact  that  her  own  offspring 
drive  to  the  verge  of  insanity  other 
"grown-ups"  with  whom  they  come  in 
contact.  Verily  the  American  youngster 
is  having  everything  his  own  way  in  pri- 
vate and  public  nowadays!  Dwellers  in 
hotels  are  to  be  pardoned  if  they  beg  that 
he  be  kept  in  private  until  his  parents 
learn  to  govern  him,  and  by  thus  doing,  to 
show  mercy  to  other  people. 

While  the  rules  that  govern  propriety 
should  be  adhered  to  everywhere,  there  is 
no  other  place  where  they  should  be  more 
strictly  observed  than  at  the  summer  hotel, 
or  the  boarding-house  of  a  fashionable 
watering-place.  It  may  not  be  an  exag- 
geration to  state  that  there  are  few  decent 
209 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

places  where  they  are  more  openly  disre- 
garded. With  the  trammels  of  city  life 
one  seems  to  lay  down  an  appreciation  of 
the  fitness  of  things  generally.  The  free 
intercourse,  the  rapidly-made  acquaint- 
ances, the  mingling  of  many  sorts  of  peo- 
ples in  the  huge  caravansary — tend  to 
make  us  cast  aside  conventionalities.  Hus- 
bands, running  down  from  the  city  for  a 
Sunday  with  their  wives,  find  them  ab- 
sorbed and  happy  in  the  gay  life  about 
them,  and  quite  sufficient  unto  themselves 
when  the  husbands  return  to  counting- 
room  and  office  on  Monday  morning. 
There  is  always  a  class  of  men  who,  hav- 
ing nothing  else  to  do,  are  habitues  of  the 
summer  hotel,  where  they  flirt  with  the 
wives  of  other  men  and  make  themselves 
generally  useful  and  talked-about. 

There  may  be  no  harm  in  all  this  sort  of 
thing,   but   it   is   well   for   the   discreet 
maiden  and  matron  to  avoid  giving  any 
210 


BOARDING-HOUSE    LIFE 

cause  for  the  enemy  to  blaspheme, — in 
other  words,  for  the  gossip  to  make  her- 
self busy  and  dangerous.  To  this  end,  late 
hours  in  shaded  corners  of  verandas, 
moonlight  sails  and  walks,  and  beach- 
promenades  well  on  toward  midnight, 
are  to  be  shunned.  While  these  are  inno- 
cent per  se,  they  give  rise  to  scandal.  The 
young  girl  may  always  have  a  chaperon  to 
whom  to  refer  as  to  the  properties,  but  it 
is  not  the  young  girl  who  is  most  talked 
about.  The  married  woman  whose  hus- 
band lets  her  have  her  own  way  is  a  law 
unto  herself,  and  she  must  be  careful 
not  to  make  that  law  too  lax.  It  takes 
very  little  to  set  silly  tongues  wagging ;  it 
takes  months  and  years  to  check  the  com- 
motion they  have  made. 

Promiscuous  intimacies  at  summer  re- 
sorts are  a  great  mistake.  Unless  a  woman 
knows  all  about  a  fellow  guest,  she  should 
not  get  in  the  habit  of  running  into  her 
211 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

room,  or  of  talking  with  her  as  with  a  life- 
long friend.  She  may  be  pleasant  toward 
all,  and  intimate  with  none. 

It  is  a  well-known  fact  that  there  is  no 
other  hotbed  of  gossip  equal  to  a  hotel 
or  a  boarding-house.  Women,  released 
from  the  cares  and  anxieties  of  house- 
keeping and  home-making,  turn  their 
time  and  thoughts  to  fancy  work  and 
scandal.  Each  arrival  runs  the  gantlet  of 
criticism  and  comment,  and  afterward  be- 
comes the  subject  of  "confidential"  con- 
versations upon  veranda  and  in  parlors. 
Here,  as  everywhere  else,  work  that  will 
occupy  the  mind  is  a  sovereign  cure  for 
this  habit.  One  can  usually  sit  in  one's 
own  room,  but  if  one  does  not,  there  is 
always  a  book  to  be  read  in  parlors  or 
on  the  veranda,  which  will  show  the 
would-be  gossip  or  retailer  of  scandal  that 
one  is  too  much  occupied  to  engage  in  con- 
versation, 

212S 


BOARDING-HOUSE    LIFE 

Certainly  in  a  hotel  no  one  lives  unto 
himself,  but  each  must  consider  the  com- 
fort of  his  neighbor.  Such  a  semi-public 
life  is  at  the  best  a  poor  substitute  for  a 
home  existence.  Two  rules  to  be  observed 
will  make  other  rules  of  hotel  or  boarding- 
house  etiquette  sink  into  insignificance 
compared  with  their  importance. 

First:  Do  nothing  that  will  make 
others  uncomfortable. 

Second:  Pay  attention  to  your  own 
business,  and  pay  no  attention  to  that  of 
other  people. 


XIX 

ETIQUETTE   IN    SPORT 

Sport,  scientists  tell  us,  is  a  relic  of  pre- 
historic pursuits;  and  the  so-called  sport- 
ing instinct  is  a  stirring  of  the  primeval 
nature  within  civilized  breasts.  Perhaps 
that  is  why  more  people  forget  the  first 
tenets  of  good  breeding  when  competing 
in  various  forms  of  outdoor  exercise  than 
in  nearly  all  the  other  walks  of  life  put 
together. 

The  man  who  would  view  with  an  amia- 
ble smirk  the  spilling  of  a  glass  of  Bur- 
gundy over  his  white  waistcoat  at  a  dinner, 
will  often  exhibit  babyish  rage  at  the 
breaking  of  a  favorite  golf -club  or  the 
stupidity  of  a  caddie.  The  girl  whose 
self-control  permits  her  to  smile  and  mur- 
mur: "It's  really  of  no  consequence!" 

214, 


ETIQUETTE    IN    SP'ORT 

when  a  dance-partner's  foot  tears  three 
yards  of  lace  off  her  train,  will  seldom 
show  the  same  calm  good-humor  when  her 
opponent  at  tennis  serves  balls  that  are 
too  swift  and  too  hard-driven  for  her  to 
return. 

There  are  many  concrete  and  a  few 
general  rules  for  behavior  in  sport  of  all 
sorts,  the  observance  or  neglect  of  which 
denotes  the  "thoroughbred"  or  the  boor 
far  more  accurately  than  would  a  week 
full  of  ordinary  routine. 

The  general  rules  apply  to  every  form 
of  sport.  They  are,  briefly: 

First,  last  and  always — keep  your  tem- 
per! Remember  the  word  "sport"  means 
"pastime."  When  it  becomes  a  cause  of 
annoyance  or  impatience,  or  an  occasion 
for  loss  of  temper,  it  misses  its  true  aim 
and  you  are  not  worthy  to  continue  it. 

Second ;  the  "other  fellow"  has  quite  as 
much  right  to  a  good  time  as  you  have. 

215 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

Do  not  play  selfishly,  or  vaunt  your  supe- 
riority over  him.  In  all  contests,  show  no 
elation  at  victory,  or  chagrin  at  defeat. 
This  is  the  first  and  great  law.  Its  ob- 
servance differentiates  the  true  sportsman 
from  the  mere  sporting-man. 

Third;  play  fairly.  The  man  or  girl 
who  will  take  an  undue  advantage  of  any 
description  over  an  opponent,  not  only 
breaks  the  most  sacred  rules  of  good 
breeding,  but  robs  himself  or  herself  of 
the  real  enjoyment  of  the  game. 

Fourth;  no  sport  in  which  people  of 
breeding  can  participate  demands  loud 
talking,  ill-bred  language  or  actions,  or 
the  abridgment  of  any  of  the  small  sweet 
courtesies  of  life. 

To  sum  up, — good  breeding,  fairness, 
self-control  and  patience  are  needful 
equipments.  Without  any  and  all  of 
these  no  man  or  woman  should  take  part 
in  sports. 

216 


ETIQUETTE    IN    SPORT 

Golf,  perhaps,  more  than  any  other  out- 
door pastime,  demands  a  thorough  and 
judicious  blend  of  the  foregoing  qualities. 
The  old  story  of  the  Scotch  clergyman3 
whose  conscience  would  not  allow  him  to 
continue  both  golf  and  the  ministry,  and 
who  therefore  abandoned  the  latter,  was 
of  course  an  exaggeration.  But  the  idea 
it  expresses  is  by  no  means  absurd.  When 
a  crowd  of  people  throng  the  links, — 
when  novice  and  adept,  crank  and  mere 
exercise-seeker  are  jumbled  together  in 
seeming  confusion — it  is  not  always  easy 
to  keep  a  cool  head,  a  sweet  temper  and  a 
resolution  neither  to  give  nor  to  take  of- 
fense. 

Many  a  golf-player  errs  in  behavior  less 
through  ill-intent  than  through  heedless- 
ness  and  ignorance  of  what  the  etiquette 
of  the  occasion  demands.  Such  enthu- 
siasts may  profit  by  the  ensuing  rules 
which  cover  the  more  salient  points  of  de- 
217 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

corum,  and  which  may  enable  the  beginner 
to  avoid  many  a  pitfall : 

When  two  players  "drive  off"  from  the 
tee  they  should  always  wait  until  the 
couple  in  front  of  them  have  made  their 
second  shot  and  walked  off  from  it.  Thus 
confusion  is  averted  and  the  proper  dis- 
tance maintained.  It  is  a  simple  rule,  but 
one  often  broken. 

Three  players  should  always  let  a  pair 
of  players  pass  them.  Not  only  should 
they  grant  the  desired  position,  but  they 
should  offer  to  do  so  before  the  question 
"May  we  pass?"  can  be  asked.  The  pair  in 
question  should  (in  case  such  permission  is 
not  volunteered)  ask  politely  to  be  allowed 
to  move  forward.  The  yell  of  "Fore!"  is 
all  the  strict  rules  of  the  game  demand, 
but  the  rules  of  breeding  should  come  first. 

A  single  player  must  give  way  to  all 
larger  parties.  This  is  but  fair,  since  golf 
is,  preeminently,  a  match;  and  those  ac- 

218 


ETIQUETTE    IN    SPORT 

tively  engaged  in  the  contest  should  have 
the  right  of  way  over  a  man  who  is  merely 
practising.  The  "single  player"  must 
recognize  and  yield  with  good  grace.  If 
he  desires  unobstructed  practice,  let  him 
choose  some  time  when  the  links  are  va- 
cant. 

Never  drive  on  the  "putting  green" 
when  other  players  are  there  "putting 
out."  Players  should  not  forget  to  get 
off  the  green  the  moment  they  have  "holed 
out."  The  place  is  not  intended  as  an  isle 
of  safety,  or  a  club-house  corner  where 
scores  may  be  computed,  gossip  ex- 
changed, or  the  work  of  others  watched. 

If  you  are  at  the  tee  waiting  for  others 
to  "drive  off,"  never  speak,  cough,  or  in 
any  way  distract  the  attention  of  the 
player  who  is  addressing  the  ball.  Incon- 
siderate or  ill-bred  people  in  this  way  spoil 
hundreds  of  good  drives  and  thousands 
of  good  tempers  every  year. 
219 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

When  a  man  and  a  woman  are  playing 
golf,  the  latter  should  always  be  allowed 
to  precede  on  the  first  drive  off  from  the 
first  tee. 

A  man,  playing  against  a  woman, 
should  not  allow  himself  to  get  too  far 
ahead  of  her.  Do  not  leave  her  to  plod  on 
alone.  This  same  rule  applies  when  play- 
ing with  another  man.  Do  not  go  after 
the  ball  after  a  drive  until  your  opponent 
drives.  Then  walk  together  in  pursuit. 
Never  go  ahead  of  your  partner. 

Use  no  undue  haste  in  golf.  Never 
run! 

If  you  are  not  employing  a  caddie,  al- 
ways offer  to  carry  the  clubs  of  the 
woman  with  whom  you  are  playing.  In 
the  same  circumstances  offer  to  make  the 
tee  from  which  she  is  to  drive  off.  It  is 
optional  with  her  whether  or  not  to  accept 
your  offer. 

When  you  have  no  caddie  allow  players 

220 


ETIQUETTE    IN    SPORT 

who  have  caddies  to  pass  you.  They  will 
go  faster  than  you  and  should  have  the 
right  of  way. 

Never  make  unfavorable  criticisms  of 
others'  play.  Never,  above  all,  laugh  at 
any  of  their  blunders. 

Automobiling  has  so  increased  in  popu- 
larity that  it  is  almost  a  national  pastime. 
And  with  its  growing  favor  has  sprung 
up  a  noxious  and  flourishing  crop  of  bad 
manners.  There  seems  to  be  something 
about  the  speed,  the  smell  of  gasolene  or 
the  sense  of  superiority  over  slower  ve- 
hicles, that  robs  many  an  otherwise  well- 
bred  automobilist  of  all  consideration. 
Yet  the  utmost  consideration  is  due,  not 
only  to  mere  mortals  but  to  fellow  "motor- 
men." 

Common  humanity,  as  well  as  civility, 
should  always  prompt  a  chauffeur  to  stop 
at  sight  of  a  disabled  auto  and  to  ask  if  he 
can  be  of  assistance;  to  offer  the  loan  of 

221 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

any  necessary  tools  or  extra  gasolene;  or 
even,  if  necessary,  to  volunteer  a  "tow." 

Do  not  presume  on  the  community  of 
interests  to  address  the  chauffeur  or  pas- 
sengers of  a  passing  auto,  any  more  than 
the  passengers  of  one  ordinary  vehicle 
would  address  those  of  another.  Do  not 
stare  at  another's  car,  nor,  if  at  a  stand- 
still, examine  the  mechanism.  This  is  the 
height  of  rudeness.  The  fact  that  you  are 
so  lucky  as  to  be  an  automobilist  gives  you 
no  license  to  investigate  the  workings  of 
another  man's  machine,  or  in  other  ways  to 
make  yourself  obnoxious. 

When  passing  an  auto  of  inferior  horse- 
power, do  not  choose  that  moment  to  ex- 
hibit your  own  greater  speed.  Be  careful 
also  not  to  give  such  a  car  your  dust  nor 
(so  far  as  you  can  avoid)  to  sicken  its  oc- 
cupants with  the  smell  of  your  motor's 
gasolene. 

Do  not  boast  of  the  phenomenal  runs 

222 


ETIQUETTE    IN    SPORT 

you  have  made.  You  are  not  a  record- 
holder.  And  when  you  become  one,  the 
newspapers  will  gladly  exploit  the  fact 
without  any  viva  voce  testimony  from 
you. 

When  meeting  or  passing  a  horse-ve- 
hicle never  fail  to  shut  down  speed  and, 
whenever  possible,  to  ascertain  whether 
or  not  the  horse  is  afraid  of  automobiles. 

Do  not  violate  the  speed  ordinance.  The 
ordinance  was  made  for  public  safety, 
not  to  spite  you.  Do  not  frighten  animals 
or  pedestrians,  nor  carelessly  steer  too 
near  to  some  farmer's  live  stock  which  may 
happen  to  be  in  the  road.  Remember  the 
owners  of  the  chickens  or  dogs  you  may 
run  over  is  helping  to  pay  for  the  smooth 
road  you  are  traversing.  The  road  is 
partly  his,  and  you  are  in  a  measure  his 
guest. 

Tennis  offers  fewer  opportunities  for 
"breaks"  than  do  many  other  of  the  sports 

223 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

of  the  hour.  Yet  good  breeding  is  here  as 
necessary  as  when  playing  any  other 
game. 

If  you  have  a  woman  for  a  partner  and 
it  is  her  "serve,"  do  not  neglect  to  pick 
up  and  hand  her  the  balls  before  each  ser- 
vice. Second  her  more  carefully  than  if 
she  were  a  man,  and  take  charge  of  the  ex- 
tra balls  for  her. 

If  a  woman  is  your  opponent,  remem- 
ber she  has  not  the  strength  and  endurance 
of  a  man.  Serve  gently.  Do  not  slam 
balls  over  the  net  at  cannon-ball  speed  and 
force.  Oppose  only  moderate  strength  to 
her  lesser  power.  Give  her  the  benefit  of 
the  doubt  in  the  case  of  a  "let,"  or  when 
the  ball  may  or  may  not  be  over  the  back 
line. 

In  "double  service"  do  not  serve  the 
second  ball  until  she  has  recovered  her  po- 
sition from  pursuing  the  first.  The  choice 
of  rackets  should  also,  of  course,  be  hers ; 

224 


ETIQUETTE    IN    SPORT 

and  any  work,  such  as  putting  up  the  nets, 
hunting  the  lost  ball,  and  so  on,  devolves 
on  you. 

The  yachtsman  is  of  two  classes, — the 
man  who  delights  in  the  dangers  and  sea- 
manship incident  on  a  cranky  "wind-jam- 
mer" in  a  heavy  sea,  and  the  man  whose 
boat  is  a  floating  club-house.  Both  types 
are  prone  to  forget  at  times  thajt  their 
guests  are  not  so  enthusiastic  as  them- 
selves; that  they  may  be  nervous  or  in- 
clined to  seasickness,  and  that  the  amuse- 
ments of  their  host  may  not  always  ap- 
peal to  them.  The  man  who  would  never 
think  of  causing  inconvenience  to  a  guest 
on  land  will  show  impatience  or  lack  of 
sympathy  at  that  same  guest's  timidity  or 
mal  de  mer,  when  afloat. 

The  same  rules  of  behavior  that  ob- 
tain between  host  and  guest  ashore  should 
prevail  on  the  yacht.  The  tastes  of  the  lat- 
ter should  be  as  scrupulously  considered, 

225 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

and  his  or  her  likes  and  dislikes  be  as  con- 
siderately met. 

Similar  laws  of  social  usages  apply  to 
boating  and  canoeing.  "The  fool  that 
rocks  the  boat"  has  received  so  many  warn- 
ings and  such  just  and  wholesale  con- 
demnation that  there  is  no  use  wasting 
further  words  on  him.  No  man  who  val- 
ues the  safety  and  comfort  of  his  com- 
panion will  do  anything  to  imperil  either. 
A  man  should  always  offer  to  row,  but 
should  give  the  girl  who  is  with  him  the 
option  of  doing  so  if  she  wishes.  He 
should  hold  the  boat  steady  for  her  and 
assist  her  to  embark,  having  previously 
arranged  the  cushions  in  the  stern  and 
made  all  other  possible  plans  for  her  com- 
fort. 

The  course  they  are  to  take  should  al- 
ways be  left  to  her  choice,  and  her  wishes 
should  be  consulted  in  every  way.  A  girl 
would  also  do  well  to  remember  that  the 

226 


ETIQUETTE    IN    SPORT 

man  who  has  taken  her  boating  is  doing 
all  the  work  and  is  trying  to  give  her  a 
pleasant  time.  She  should  meet  him  half- 
way, and  should  try  to  repress  any  ner- 
vousness she  may  experience  in  being  on 
the  water  and  any  resentment  she  may 
feel  at  being  occasionally  requested  by  her 
"skipper"  to  "trim  boat." 

Swimming  is  essentially  a  man's  sport. 
While  many  women  are  good  swimmers, 
they  usually  lack  the  strength  and  en- 
durance to  make  them  men's  equals  in  this 
line.  A  man  should  therefore  be  careful 
to  avoid  overtaxing  the  strength  of  the 
girl  who  is  swimming  with  him ;  should  be 
content  to  remain  near  the  shore  if  she  so 
desire,  and,  in  surf -bathing,  should  lift 
her  over  the  breakers,  or  try  to  shield  her 
from  their  force. 

In  teaching  others  to  swim,  infinite  pa- 
tience, good  temper  and  tact  are  needful. 
'Allow  for  the  nervousness  and  awkward- 
2£7 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

ness  which  are  the  almost  inseparable  at- 
tributes of  beginners. 

In  driving  always  ask  your  companion 
if  she  or  he  would  prefer  to  handle  the 
reins.  Do  not,  by  bursts  of  speed,  or  by 
"fights"  with  a  fractious  horse,  endanger 
the  safety  or  composure  of  your  guest. 

In  riding  horseback,  never  remain 
mounted  when  addressing  some  friend 
who  is  on  foot.  If  your  initial  salute  is  to 
be  followed  by  any  conversation,  dis- 
mount and  remain  on  foot  until  you  take 
your  leave.  In  helping  a  girl  to  the  sad- 
dle, always  adjust  the  curb  and  snaffle, 
hand  them  to  her  and  arrange  her  riding- 
habit  before  you  mount  your  own  horse. 

There  are  countless  pitfalls  for  the  un- 
wary in  all  forms  of  sport ;  but  none  that 
can  not  be  readily  bridged  by  considera- 
tion for  others,  by  good  temper,  and  by  the 
commonest  rules  of  breeding. 


228 


XX 

MRS.  NEWLYRICH  AND  HER  SOCIAL  DUTIES 

We  have  ridiculed  our  newly-rich  wom- 
an's fads,  pretensions  and  failures  so 
sharply  and  for  so  long  that  we  find  it 
hard  to  do  justice  to  the  solid  virtues  she 
often  possesses.  The  average  specimen  is 
fair  game,  and  we — one  and  all,  from  the 
gentlest  to  the  most  sarcastic — unite  in 
"setting  her  down." 

Except  perhaps  the  mother-in-law,  no 
other  woman  supplies  fun-makers  with 
such  abundant  —  and  cheap  —  material. 
She  might  retaliate  on  her  persecutors 
more  frequently  than  she  does  by  attribut- 
ing much  of  the  ridicule,  fine  and  coarse, 
heaped  on  her,  to  envy,  far  meaner  than 
the  meanest  of  her  pretensions. 

Thus  much  for  the  average  specimen  at 
229 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

her  worst.  The  exceptions  to  the  ignoble 
parvenu  are  numerous  enough  to  form 
a  class  by  themselves.  It  is  not  a  disgrace 
in  this  country  of  dizzying  down-sittings 
and  bewildering  uprisings,  for  miner, 
mechanic,  merchant  or  manufacturer  to 
make  money  fast.  It  is  to  his  credit  when 
he  insists  that  the  girl  who  was  poorer 
than  himself  when  they  were  married,  and 
who  has  kept  him  at  his  best  physical  and 
mental  estate  ever  since  by  wise  manage- 
ment of  their  modest  household — making 
every  dollar  do  the  work  of  a  dollar-and- 
a-quarter  while  feeding  and  clothing  her 
family — should  get  the  full  benefit  of  his 
changed  fortunes.  In  house,  furnijture, 
clothing,  company,  and  what  he  names 
vaguely  "a  good  time  generally,"  he 
means  that  she  shall  ruffle  it  with  the  brav- 
est of  her  associates.  He  means  also  that 
these  associates  shall  be  in  accord  with 
his  means. 

230 


MRS.    NEWLYRICH 

The  odds  are  all  against  the  chances 
that  our  worthy  money-maker  will  con- 
form his  personal  behavior  to  the  new  con- 
ditions. Husbands  of  his  type  leave  "all 
that  sort  of  thing"  to  wives  and  daugh- 
ters, and  make  the  social  advancement  of 
these  women  harder  thereby.  Not  the 
least  formidable  obstacle  in  their  upward 
journey  is  the  stubborn  fact  that  "your 
father  is  quite  impossible." 

Men,  as  a  whole,  do  net  take  polish 
readily.  Unless  John  Newlyrich  wore  a 
dress-coat  before  he  was  twenty-one,  he  is 
not  quite  at  ease  in  a  "swallow-tail"  at 
forty.  As  a  millionaire  of  fifty,  he  rebels 
against  the  obligation  to  wear  it  to  the 
family  dinner  every  evening  in  the  week. 
If  he  has  read  Dickens,  which  is  hardly 
likely,  he  echoes  Mrs.  Boffin's  "Lor'!  let 
us  be  comfortable!"  He  butters  a  whole 
slice  of  bread,  using  his  knife  trowel-wise, 
and  if  busy  talking  of  something  that 

231 


EVERYDAY   ETIQUETTE 

interests  him  particularly,  lays  the  slice 
upon  the  cloth  during  the  troweling.  He 
cuts  up  his  salad,  and  makes  the  knife  a 
good  second  to  the  fork  while  eating  fish. 
Loyal  to  the  memories  of  early  life,  he 
never  gets  over  the  habit  of  speaking  of 
dinner  as  "supper,"  and  observes  in  con- 
versation at  a  fashionable  reception,  "As 
I  was  eating  my  dinner  at  noon  to-day." 
In  like  absent-mindedness,  he  tucks  his 
napkin  into  his  collar  to  protect  the  ex- 
panse of  shirt-front  exposed  by  the  low- 
cut  waistcoat  of  his  dress  suit.  He  says 
"sir,"  to  his  equals,  and  addresses  face- 
tious remarks  to  the  butler,  or  draws  the 
waitress  into  conversation  while  meals  are 
going  on.  Anxious  wife  and  despairing 
daughters  are  grateful  if  he  does  not  put 
his  knife  into  his  mouth  when  off-guard. 
Trifles — are  they?  Not  to  the  climbers 
who  are  exercised  thereby.  They  are 
gravel  between  the  teeth,  and  pebbles  in 

282 


MRS.    NEWLYRICH 

the  dainty  foot-wear  of  Mrs.  Newlyrich. 
The  history  of  her  social  struggles  would 
be  incomplete  without  the  mention  of  this 
drawback.  She  has  learned  the  by-laws  of 
social  usage  by  heart,  and,  loving  and 
loyal  wife  though  she  is,  she  sometimes 
loses  patience  with  John  for  not  doing  the 
same. 

In  this,  and  in  many  another  perplexity, 
more  or  less  grievous,  our  heroine  has  our 
sympathy  and  deserves  our  respect.  We 
use  the  word  "heroine"  advisedly.  We 
have  put  the  wealthy,  pushing  vulgarian, 
who  is  part  of  the  stock  company  of  cari- 
cature and  joke-wright,  entirely  out  of  the 
question.  She  has  her  sphere  and  her  re- 
ward. Our  business  is  with  the  woman  of 
worthy  aspirations  and  innate  refinement, 
raised  by  a  whirl  of  Fortune's  wheel  from 
decent  poverty  to  actual  wealth.  She  has 
a  natural  desire  to  mingle  on  equal 
terms  with  the  better  sort  of  rich  people. 

233 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

She  is  glad  of  her  wealth,  but  not  purse- 
proud.  It  has  introduced  her  to  another 
world.  Of  her  social  life  it  may  be  truly 
said  that  old  things  have  passed  away  and 
all  things  have  become  new.  It  would  be 
phenomenal  if  she  fitted  at  once  and  easily 
into  it.  Money  has  bought  her  fine  house, 
and  for  money  the  artistic  upholsterer  has 
furnished  it.  Money  has  hired  a  staff  of 
servants,  whereas  up  to  now,  a  maid-of- 
all-work  was  her  sole  "help." 

Money  does  not  enable  her  to  master  the 
"shibboleth"  that  would  be  her  passport 
to  the  land  she  would  possess.  And  to 
mangle  it  into  "sibboleth" — as  the  least 
sophisticated  of  us  know — means  social 
slaughter  at  the  passages  of  Jordan. 

Discarding  Scriptural  imagery  for 
modern  common  sense,  let  us  begin  with 
the  Newlyrich  kitchen,  in  holding  helpful 
counsel  with  the  nominal  mistress  there- 
of. 

234 


MRS.    NEWLYRICH 

Engage  no  servant  who  patronizes  you. 
Give  her  to  understand  at  the  outset  that 
you  are  the  head  of  the  house,  and  know 
perfectly  well  what  you  want  each  one  to 
do,  and  how  your  household  is  to  be  run. 
Be  kind  with  all — familiar  with  none. 
They  are  your  severest  critics.  Each  is,  in 
her  way,  a  spy,  but  in  her  own  interest.  An 
employer  who  used  to  be  poor,  albeit  she 
was,  at  the  poorest,  far  richer  than  any  of 
them  will  ever  be,  is  a  thing  to  be  looked 
down  on  and  bullied.  Accept  this  as  a 
basic  truth  and  shape  your  course  in  ac- 
cordance with  it.  Assert  yourself  with 
dignity  ,  never  defiantly.  They  have  noth- 
ing to  do  with  your  past,  or  with  any- 
thing connected  with  your  personal  his- 
tory beyond  the  present  relation  existing 
between  you  as  employer  and  hireling. 
They  will  discuss  and  criticize  you  below- 
stairs  and  on  "evenings  out,"  and,  in 
the  event  of  "changing  their  place,"  to  the 

235 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

next  mistress  who  will  stoop  to  listen  to 
them.  They  would  do  the  same  were  you 
a  princess  with  a  thousand-year-old  pedi- 
gree. Stand  in  your  lot  and  be  philosoph- 
ical. 

You  can  not  be  too  punctilious  in  not 
questioning  them  about  how  "things" 
were  done  in  other  houses  in  which  they 
have  been  employed.  Every  such  query 
will  be  construed  into  ignorance  and  diffi- 
dence. Be  a  law  unto  yourself  and  unto 
them. 

Yet  you  must  learn  how  the  people  live 
whom  you  would  meet  upon  common 
ground  as  old  to  them  as  it  is  new  to  you. 
You  blush  in  confessing  that  you  are  be- 
wildered as  to  the  order  in  which  the  va- 
rious forks  are  to  be  used  that  lie  beside 
your  plate  at  the  few  state  dinners  you  at- 
tend. Entrees  are  many,  and  some  appal- 
lingly unfamiliar.  You  wonder  mutely 
what  these  people  would  think  of  you  if 

236 


MRS.    NEWLYRICH 

they  knew  that  you  were  never  "taken 
in"  to  dinner  by  a  man  until  to-night,  and 
how  narrowly  you  watch  the  hostess,  or  the 
woman  across  the  way  before  you  dare  ad- 
vance upon  the  course  set  before  you. 
Dreading  awkward  stiffness  that  would 
betray  preoccupation,  you  attract  atten- 
tion by  a  show  of  gaiety  unlike  your  usual 
behavior  and  unsuited  to  time  and  place. 
Should  you  make  a  mistake — such  as  us- 
ing a  spoon  instead  of  the  ice-cream  fork 
— you  are  abashed  to  misery.  Don't  apol- 
ogize, however  gross  the  solecism!  In 
eighteen  times  out  of  twenty,  nobody  has 
noticed  the  misadventure.  In  twenty  cases 
out  of  a  score,  if  it  were  observed  you  are 
the  one  person  who  would  care  a  picayune 
about  it,  or  ever  think  of  it  again. 

Another  cardinal  principle  is  to  learn 
to  consider  yourself  as  a  minute  fractional 
part  of  society.  When  your  name  is 
bawled  out  by  usher  or  footman  at  a  large 

237 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

party,  it  sounds  like  the  trump  of  doom 
in  your  unaccustomed  ears.  To  your  ex- 
cited imagination  all  eyes  are  riveted  upon 
you.  In  point  of  fact,  you  are  of  no  more 
consequence  to  the  eyes,  ears  and  minds 
of  your  fellow-guests  than  the  carpet  that 
seems  to  rise  to  meet  your  uncertain  feet. 
Stubborn  conviction  of  your  insignifi- 
cance is  the  first  step  that  counts  in  the 
acquisition  of  well-mannered  composure 
among  your  fellows. 

In  forming  new  acquaintances,  be 
courteous  in  the  reception  of  advances, 
slow  in  making  them  until  you  have  rea- 
son to  think  that  you  are  liked  for  your- 
self, and  not  because  your  husband  repre- 
sents six,  or  it  may  be  seven,  numerals. 
There  are  sure  to  be  dozens  of  critics  who 
will  accuse  you  of  parading  these  figures, 
as  vessels  fly  bunting  in  entering  a 
strange  harbor.  Stamp  upon  your  mind 
that  adventitious  circumstance  has  noth- 

238 


MRS.    NEWLYRICH 

ing  to  do  with  the  worth  of  YOU,  YOUB- 
SELF! 

For  a  long  while  after  you  embark  up- 
on your  new  lif e,  be  watchful  and  studious 
— yet  covertly,  lest  your  study  be  noted. 
Return  calls  promptly,  sending  in  the 
right  number  of  cards,  and  bearing  your- 
self in  conversation  with  gentle  self-pos- 
session. Never  be  flattered  by  any  atten- 
tion into  a  flutter  of  pleasure.  Above  all, 
do  not  be  obsequious,  be  the  person  who 
honors  you  by  social  notice  a  multi-mil- 
lionaire, or  the  Chief  Magistrate  of  these 
United  States.  Servility  is  invariably  vul- 
garity. Familiarity  is,  if  possible,  a  half- 
degree  more  repulsive.  Self-respect  and  a 
wholesome  oblivion  of  dollars  and  cents 
are  a  catholicon  amid  the  temptations  of 
your  novel  sphere. 

When  you  begin  to  entertain  in  your 
turn  avoid,  scrupulously,  startling  effects 
and  novelties  of  all  kinds.  Until  you  are 

239 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

used  to  the  task,  be  strictly  conventional 
in  arrangements  for  your  guests'  recep- 
tion and  pleasure.  Let  floral  decorations 
and  "souvenirs"  be  modest  and  tasteful. 
Mantels  banked  with  orchids,  bouton- 
nieres  of  hot-house  roses  at  a  dollar  apiece, 
and  cases  of  expensive  jewelry  as  favors, 
may  express  a  generous  hospitality  on 
your  part  and  a  desire  to  gratify  the  ac- 
quaintances you  would  convert  into 
friends.  They  will  surely  be  set  down  to 
ostentatious  display  of  means  that  few 
of  the  guests  possess. 

There  are  Manuals  of  Etiquette  which 
will  keep  you  from  open  solecisms  in  so- 
cial usages.  Follow  their  rules  obediently, 
curbing  all  disposition  to  originality — for 
a  while,  at  least.  If  possible,  keep  the 
greedy  society-reporter  at  a  distance, 
without  angering  her.  Do  not  give  away 
the  list  of  those  invited,  much  less  the 
menu.  As  Dick  Fanshawe's  eulogist  said 

240 


MRS.    NEWLYRICH 

of  men  who  "jump  upon  their  mothers," 
— "Some  does,  you  know!" 

And  thereby  they  give  occasion  to  the 
afore-mentioned  cartoonists  and  joke-ven- 
ders to  deride  the  name  of  hospitality  dis- 
pensed by  the  Newlyrich  clan.  Let  the 
aforesaid  Manual  of  Etiquette  be  fol- 
lowed with  obedience,  but  not  with  servile 
and  unthinking  obedience.  Unfortu- 
nately it  is  true  that  the  person  unac- 
customed to  precise  social  regulations  and 
to  a  formal  manner  of  living,  is  inclined  to 
consider  the  rules  governing  such  life  as 
arbitrary,  inexplicable  and  mysterious.  If 
the  uninitiated  woman  will  disabuse  her- 
self of  this  idea,  she  has  taken  a  long 
step  in  the  right  direction.  Once  you 
make  a  conquest  of  the  thought  that  there 
is  reason  behind  the  forms  employed  by 
society,  it  will  not  be  long  before  you 
will  be  searching  for  the  reason  itself. 
The  laws  governing  the  conventional 

241 


EVERYDAY   ETIQUETTE 

world  will  then  acquire  for  you  a  mean- 
ing that  will  make  adherence  to  them 
simple  and  natural,  instead  of  stiff  and 
mechanical. 

The  matter  of  discriminating  properly 
in  questions  of  taste  is  a  thing  much  more 
difficult  to  learn  than  the  set  and  defi- 
nite rules  governing  definite  exigencies  of 
social  life.  Yet  taste, — taste  in  clothes, 
taste  in  the  objects  surrounding  one,  taste 
in  all  matters  with  which  expenditure  is 
concerned, — this  is  a  necessity  in  the  at- 
tainment of  any  social  position  worthy  of 
the  name.  In  this  direction  something 
may  be  gained  by  observation,  though  not 
until  the  eye  is  sufficiently  trained  to  make 
it  a  trustworthy  guide.  The  sense  of 
beauty  is  somewhat  a  matter  of  cultiva- 
tion and  its  application  to  everyday  life 
is  the  result  of  experience  and  judgment. 
Do  not  imagine  that  a  color  is  becoming 
to  you  merely  because  you  happen  to  like 

242 


MRS.    NEWLYRICH 

it.  Do  not  buy  a  chair  or  a  couch  simply 
because  the  one  or  the  other  may  happen 
to  please  your  fancy.  The  color  you  wear, 
the  furniture  you  buy  must  have  refer- 
ence, the  one  to  your  appearance,  the  other 
to  its  surroundings. 

When  one  is  unversed  in  these  mat- 
ters it  is  best  to  submit  problems  to  an 
authority.  It  is  wiser  to  allow  a  clever 
modiste  to  select  the  color,  style  and  ma- 
terial of  one's  gown  than  to  do  it  oneself. 
It  is  better  to  put  the  scheme  of  decora- 
tion for  your  house  into  the  hands  of  some 
accomplished  person,  educated  to  that  end, 
than  to  attempt  it  yourself.  In  large  cities 
persons  competent  in  this  matter  of  house- 
hold decoration  may  easily  be  found,  peo- 
ple whose  business  it  is  to  act  as  paid 
agents  of  the  more  beautiful  and  esthetic 
way.  Many  architects  have  in  their  em- 
ploy persons  who  are  capable  of  ad- 
vising as  to  interior  decoration  and  of 

243 


EVERYDAY   ETIQUETTE 

superintending  the  work.  If  one  is  resi- 
dent in  a  small  place  the  difficulty  is  ob- 
viated by  the  intelligent  aid  offered  to  the 
questioner  through  the  columns  of  the 
better  magazines  devoted  to  esthetics  as 
applied  to  everyday  living.  The  advice 
given  in  the  best  of  these  publications  is 
conscientious,  careful,  expert  advice. 

I  have  said  that  it  is  not  your  fault  that 
you  were  not  born  in  the  purple.  Neither 
is  it  of  your  merit  and  to  your  honor  that 
you  now  walk  in  silk  attire,  and  may 
freely  gratify  dreams  you  would  once 
have  considered  wildly  impossible. 

The  best  of  all  books  enjoins  on  the  sud- 
denly-exalted to  be  mindful  of  the  pit 
from  whence  they  were  digged.  Purse- 
pride  is  contemptible  in  its  meanness  and 
folly.  You  are  safe  from  ridicule  if  you 
keep  this  fact  in  mind.  Set  up  "me"  and 
mine"  in  "P^I-  type,  and  not  in  capitals. 


244 


" 


XXI 

A  DELICATE  POINT  OF  ETIQUETTE  FOR  OUR 
GIRL 

This  chapter  is,  perhaps,  rather  a  Fa- 
miliar Talk  with  Our  Girl  on  the  pro- 
prieties— which  she  may  not  recognize  as 
such — than  the  emphasizing  of  various 
points  of  etiquette.  But  the  violation 
of  the  essentials  of  self-respect  is  so 
common  that  a  book  of  this  character 
should  have  a  chapter  devoted  to  a  bit  of 
plain  speaking  to  the  young  woman  of 
to-day.  We  may  call  her  actions  under 
certain  circumstances  a  violation  of  the 
proprieties,  or  of  etiquette,  or  of  conven- 
tionality. Or,  perhaps,  it  is  a  sin  against 
all  three. 

We  are  accustomed  to  seeing  the  sign 
"Hands  off!"  hung  upon  dainty  fabrics, 

245 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

— pure,  spotless  materials  that  would  be 
injured  and  stained  by  the  touching  of  a 
gloved  or  bare  hand.  People  who  admire 
the  pure  beauty  of  the  article  thus  marked 
do  not  resent  the  sign.  They  see  the  wis- 
dom of  it  and  are  willing  to  obey  the  man- 
date. For  a  fabric  once  soiled  never  looks 
the  same  again.  All  the  chemicals  in  the 
country  can  not  give  it  the  peculiar  pris- 
tine freshness  that  was  once  its  chief 
beauty. 

To  those  who  appreciate  the  beauty  of 
youth,  its  pure  freshness,  the  thought  of 
its  being  touched  by  indiscriminate  hands 
is  abhorrent. 

We  have,  happily,  passed  the  Lydia 
Languish  age,  the  day  in  which  the  young 
girl  was  a  fragile  creature,  given  to  faint- 
ing and  hysterics,  clothed  in  innocence  that 
was  ignorance,  good  because  she  was 
afraid  to  be  naughty,  or  because  she  was 
so  hedged  in  by  conventionalities  that  she 
246 


A    DELICATE    POINT 

did  not  have  the  opportunity  to  stray  near 
the  outer  edge  of  the  pasture  bars.  In  her 
place  we  have  a  healthy,  fearless,  clear- 
eyed  young  person,  looking  life  and  its 
possibilities  square  in  the  face,  good 
because  she  knows  from  observation  or 
hearsay  what  evil  is,  and  abhors  it  because 
it  is  evil.  She  is  a  sister,  a  chum,  a  jolly 
companion  to  the  boy  or  man  with  whom 
she  associates.  She  rides,  walks,  golfs  or 
dances  with  him.  She  may  do,  and  she 
does,  all  these  things  and  she  still  keeps 
his  respect. 

Thus  far  we  go,  and  then  creeps  in  the 
sinister  question:  Does  she  always  do 
this? 

The  answer  comes  promptly:  It  is  her 
own  fault  if  she  loses  any  man's  respect. 

To  those  of  us  who  have  outstepped 
girlhood,  who  have  begun  to  live  deeply 
these  lives  of  ours  that  are  full  of  potenti- 
alities for  good  or  evil,  there  comes  a  keen 

247 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

insight,  and,  with  that  insight,  our  outer 
sight  becomes  more  clear;  and  sometimes 
in  looking  at  young  people  we  find  our 
hearts,  and  almost  our  lips,  crying  out, 
"DON'T!" 

We  would  not  be — we  are  not — prudes, 
but  the  bloom  of  the  peach  is  beautiful, 
and  once  rubbed  off  it  can  not  be  replaced. 
The  snow-white  fabric  is  too  fair  to  be 
carelessly  handled. 

Last  winter  I  sat  in  a  train-seat  behind 
a  girl  of  eighteen  and  a  young  man  a  few 
years  her  senior.  She  was  pretty  and 
bright.  She  chatted  gaily  with  her  com- 
panion, who,  after  a  few  minutes,  threw 
his  arm  over  the  back  of  her  seat.  To  the 
initiated,  it  was  evidently  done  as  a  trial 
as  to  whether  that  kind  of  thing  would  be 
allowed.  The  girl,  intent  on  the  conversa- 
tion, appeared  not  to  notice  the  action.  In 
a  few  moments  the  hand  resting  against 
the  girl's  shoulder  was  laid  over  the 

248 


A    DELICATE    POINT 

shoulder.  The  owner  flushed,  made  some 
laughing  protest,  but  evidently  adminis- 
tered no  rebuke,  as  the  offending  member 
continued  to  rest  where  it  was,  then  grad- 
ually crept  up  toward  her  neck ;  finally,  at 
some  teasing  remark  of  hers,  it  tweaked 
her  ear.  Had  the  child  been  older,  the 
look  in  the  man's  eyes  as  he  watched  the 
fluctuations  of  color  in  her  pretty  face, 
would  have  warned  her  that  she  was  play- 
ing with  fire;  that  his  respect  for  her 
would  have  been  greater  had  she  shown 
in  the  beginning  that  the  sign,  "Hands 
off!"  was  on  her  person,  although  invisi- 
ble to  the  vulgar  eye. 

This  is  but  one  of  the  many  instances 
of  the  free-and-easy  actions  on  the  part 
of  men,  permitted  by  well-meaning  girls. 

In  nine  hundred  and  ninety-nine  cases 
out  of  a  thousand  a  man  will  not  take  a 
liberty  with  a  girl  unless  she  allows  it. 

I  wish  girls  would  bear  this  fact  in 
£49 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

mind!  Men  are  what  they  make  them, 
what  they  allow  them  to  be.  When  a 
young  fellow  told  a  man  in  my  presence 
last  week  that  such  and  such  a  girl  was  a 
"jolly  sort,"  and,  while  out  driving,  had 
stopped  at  a  roadhouse  with  him,  gone 
into  the  parlor  of  the  house  and  taken  a 
glass  of  ginger  ale  while  he  had  one  of 
whisky,  I  was  not  surprised  that  the  man 
of  the  world  to  whom  he  imparted  this 
fact,  remarked,  "Crooked,  eh?" 

That  the  young  fellow  (who,  had  he 
been  older  or  less  easily  flattered,  would 
not  have  related  the  occurrence)  flushed 
and  laughingly  denied  the  allegation — 
did  not  alter  the  fact  that  the  conclusion 
drawn  was  inevitable.  The  young  girl 
may  not,  probably  did  not,  deserve  the 
stricture  passed  on  her,  but  by  her  free- 
and-easy  behavior  she  lost  something  she 
never  can  regain. 

Men  may  pay  attention  to  girls  who  ig- 

250 


A   DELICATE    POINT 

nore  the  conventionalities,  who  allow  them 
doubtful  liberties,  but  they  like  them  be- 
cause they  are  what  they  term  "fun." 
Such  girls  are  not  those  for  whom  men 
live,  for  whom  they  sacrifice  bad  habits, 
for  whom  they  look  in  seeking  a  wife,  and 
for  whom  they  wrould  bravely  give  up  life 
if  necessary.  The  true  love  of  a  good  man 
is  worth  winning.  It  is  not  won  by  the 
girl  who  lowers  herself  to  a  man's  level. 
To  her  might  apply  the  time-worn  toast 
of  man  to  "The  New  Woman, — once  our 
superior,  now  our  equal." 

Another  point  to  which  I  would  draw 
the  attention  of  our  girl  is  that  the  man 
should  make  the  advances,  should  do  the 
seeking  and  the  courting.  To  this  she 
would  reply,  "Why,  of  course!  All  girls 
know  that."  They  may  know  it  theoreti- 
cally, but  does  every  girl  live  up  to  that 
knowledge?  Does  she  always  wait  to  be 
sought,  to  be  won,  without  taking  a  hand 

251 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

herself  at  assisting  destiny?  I  think  ob- 
servation will  not  prove  that  she  does. 

In  this  very  free-and-easy  age,  when 
men  are  too  busy  seeking  the  elusive 
mighty  dollar  to  be  over-eager  to  show 
marked  attention  to  girls,  it  is  often  the 
young  woman  who  pays  heed  to  some  of 
the  preliminaries  of  the  courting  period. 
It  is  frequently  she  who  suggests  to  a 
man,  after  meeting  him  several  times,  that 
she  would  be  glad  to  have  him  call.  It  is 
she  who,  when  he  is  going  on  a  journey, 
asks  him  if  he  will  not  write  to  her.  It  is 
she  who  asks  him  for  his  picture  and,  on 
occasion,  offers  him  one  of  hers. 

It  is,  and  it  has  been  through  centuries, 
the  place  of  the  man  to  take  the  initiative 
in  such  matters.  If  he  wants  to  call  on 
a  girl,  let  him  have  the  courage  to  ask  her 
if  he  may  do  so ;  if  he  wishes  to  correspond 
with  her,  he  should  ask  her  permission  to 
write  to  her.  And  if  he  does  none  of  these 

252 


A   DELICATE    POINT 

things  of  his  own  volition,  they  may  go 
undone.  The  girl  who,  through  love  of 
admiration,  or  the  desire  for  men's  atten- 
tion, takes  these  initial  steps,  loses  her 
self-respect,  and,  unless  the  man  in  ques- 
tion be  an  exceptional  instance,  awakens 
in  his  breast  a  sensation  of  amused  inter- 
est. He  is  flattered,  and  a  bit  contemptu- 
ous. As  time  goes  on  and  he  likes  the  girl 
more  and  more,  that  feeling  may  be  for- 
gotten, but  it  is  always  lying  there  dor- 
mant, and  may  arise  sometime  just  when 
the  young  woman  would  most  wish  for  re- 
spect and  love. 

Men  prize  that  which  they  have  had 
difficulty  in  winning.  The  apple  that 
drops,  over-ripe,  at  one's  feet  is  never 
quite  so  tempting  as  that  which  hangs  just 
beyond  reach. 

It  is  well  for  the  matter  of  sex  to  be  put 
out  of  mind  in  many  of  the  dealings  be- 
tween young  men  and  young  women,  but 

253 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

in  the  question  of  loverly  attentions  it  can 
not  be  ignored.  And  in  this  matter  it  is 
the  man,  and  the  man  only,  who  should 
make  advances.  It  is  better  for  her  peace 
of  mind  that  a  girl  should  never  have  the 
marked  attention  of  any  man,  than  that 
she  should  forget  her  maidenly  dignity  in 
order  to  acquire  it.  Such  acquisition  is  cer- 
tainly not  worth  the  price  paid  for  it. 

A  man  must  look  up  to  that  which  he 
loves.  And  a  hard-and-fast  rule  is  the 
slangy  one  that  declares  that  one  does 
not  run  after  a  car  when  he  has  already 
caught  it,  or  when  it  stands  at  the  corner 
waiting  for  him,  and  ready  to  start  or 
stand  at  his  will.  The  girls  for  whom  men 
find  life  worth  living  are  those  who  are 
ideals  as  well  as  companions. 

Dear  girls,  be  happy,  be  merry,  have  all 
the  harmless  fun  that  the  good  God,  who 
wishes  you  to  be  happy,  sends  your  way. 
But  for  the  sake  of  the  man  who  may  one 

254 


A    DELICATE    POINT 

day  seek  you  and  win  you — for  the  sake 
of  the  womanhood  that  he  would  honor 
— let  all  men  know  that  you  are  labeled — 
"HANDS  OFF!"  and  that  you  are  not  to  be 
cheaply  gained.  They  will  love  you  bet- 
ter, respect  and  honor  you  more  for  that 
knowledge. 


255 


XXII 

OUR  OWN  AND  OTHER  PEOPLE'S  CHILDREN 

Constance  Fenimore  Woolson,  in  one 
of  her  novels,  thus  describes  a  discourtesy 
to  which  mothers  of  young  children  are 
much  given: 

"Talking  with  a  mother  when  her  chil- 
dren are  in  the  room  is  the  most  trying 
thing  conversationally;  she  listens  to  you 
with  one  ear,  but  the  other  is  listening  to 
Johnnie;  right  in  the  midst  of  something 
very  pathetic  you  are  telling  her  she  will 
give  a  sudden,  perfectly  irrelevant  smile 
over  her  baby's  last  crow,  and  your  best 
story  is  hopelessly  spoiled  because  she 
loses  the  point  (although  she  pretends  she 
hasn't)  while  she  arranges  the  sashes  of 
Ethel  and  Totsie." 

There  is  a  protest  in  the  paragraph 

256 


CHILDREN 

quoted  that  will  find  an  answering  groan 
in  many  a  heart.  Who  of  us  does  not  wish 
that  mothers  of  small  children  would 
adopt  a  few  rules  of  ordinary  politeness 
and  courtesy,  and,  when  talking  to  a 
guest,  give  attention  that  is  not  shared 
and  almost  monopolized  by  the  child  who 
happens  to  be  present? 

Parents  make  the  mistake  of  thinking 
that  their  children  must  be  as  absorbingly 
interesting  to  all  visitors  and  acquaint- 
ances as  they  are  to  those  to  whom  they 
belong.  This  is  a  vast  mistake.  No  matter 
how  fond  one  may  be  of  the  young  of  his 
species,  he  does  enjoy  a  conversation  into 
which  they  are  not  dragged,  and  talks 
with  more  freedom  if  they  are  not  pres- 
ent. Certainly  it  is  far  better  for  the 
child  to  learn  to  run  off  and  amuse  him- 
self than  to  sit  by,  listening  to  talk  not 
meant  for  his  ears.  Those  of  us  who  were 
children  many  years  ago  were  not  allowed 
257 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

to  make  nuisances  of  ourselves  to  the  ex- 
tent that  children  of  to-day  do,  and  surely 
we  were  happy.  In  one  home  there  is  a 
small  boy,  very  good,  and  very  affection- 
ate, whose  mother  can  not  receive  a  caller 
without  the  presence  of  the  ubiquitous  in- 
fant. He  sits  still,  his  great  eyes  fixed 
upon  the  face  of  the  caller,  and  she  feels 
ashamed  for  wishing  that  he  would  get 
out  of  the  room.  Occasionally  he  varies 
the  monotony  by  saying,  "Mother,  don't 
you  want  to  tell  Mrs.  Blank  about  what  I 
said  the  other  day  when  I  was  hurt  and 
did  not  cry?"  Or,  "Mother,  do  you  think 
Mrs.  Blank  would  like  me  to  recite  my 
new  poem  to  her?" 

This  may  be  annoying,  but  it  is  still 
more  pitiful.  To  talk  so  much  to  a  child 
and  of  him  in  the  presence  of  others  that 
he  is  a  poseur  at  the  early  age  of  five,  is 
cruel  to  the  little  one  himself.  We  frown 
on  the  old  adage  which  declared  "chil- 

258 


CHILDREN 

dren  should  be  seen  and  not  heard,"  but 
there  are  homes  in  which  the  guest  wishes 
that  they  might  be  invisible  as  well  as  in- 
audible. 

One  mother  defers  constantly  to  her 
fourteen-year-old  son,  and  allows  him  to 
be  present  during  all  chats  she  has  with 
her  friends.  She  says,  "You  do  not  mind 
Will,  I  am  sure.  You  may  say  what  you 
like  where  he  is,  for  he  is  the  soul  of  dis- 
cretion, and  I  talk  freely  with  him."  But 
the  visitor  does  not  feel  the  same  confi- 
dence in  "Will,"  and  certainly  objects  to 
expressing  all  her  opinions  with  regard  to 
people  and  things  in  his  presence. 

Our  own  children  are  intensly  inter- 
esting; the  children  of  other  people  are 
not  I  Let  us,  once  in  a  while,  put  ourselves 
in  the  place  of  another  person,  and  think 
if  we  are  willing  to  have  that  person's 
child  always  in  the  room  when  we  would 
talk  confidentially  with  her.  I  think  if  we 

259 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

are  frank  we  shall  acknowledge  that  while 
we  do  not  mind  the  presence  of  our  own 
children,  we  do  talk  more  freely  when 
other  people's  children  are  not  present. 
Said  a  man  not  long  ago : 

"Mrs.  Brown  is  a  marvelous  woman. 
She  is  one  of  the  most  devoted  mothers  I 
know.  Her  children  are  with  her  a 
great  part  of  the  time.  Yet,  whenever  I 
call  there,  alone  or  with  a  friend,  a  signal 
from  her  empties  the  drawing-room  or 
library  of  the  entire  flock  of  five  infants, 
and  she  is  just  as  much  interested  in  what 
her  callers  have  to  say  as  if  she  had  no 
youngsters  cruising  about  in  the  offing." 

It  is  not  to  be  supposed  that  children 
are  never  to  be  allowed  to  come  into  the 
drawing-room.  They  should  be  trained  to 
enter  the  room,  greet  the  guests  politely 
and  without  embarrassment,  answer 
frankly  and  straightforwardly,  and  to 
speak  when  spoken  to.  Then,  they  should 
260 


CHILDREN 

be  silent  unless  drawn  into  the  conversa- 
tion. The  truest  kindness  is,  after  a  few 
moments,  to  let  the  little  one  run  away  and 
play  with  his  toys  or  in  the  outdoor  air. 

The  child  who  hangs  his  head  shyly, 
and  refuses  to  speak  politely  to  any  one 
who  addresses  him,  should  be  punished  as 
severely  as  for  an  impertinence.  From 
the  cradle  a  baby  may  be  taught  to  "see 
people,"  and,  as  soon  as  he  is  old  enough  to 
return  a  greeting,  he  must  be  trained  to  do 
so. 

The  only  way  to  make  small  ladies  and 
gentlemen  of  children  is  to  teach,  first  of 
all,  perfect  obedience.  This  is,  in  this 
day,  an  unpopular  doctrine,  for  there  is 
prevalent  a  theory  that  the  child  must  be 
allowed  to  exercise  his  individuality, — in 
other  words,  to  do  as  he  pleases.  Why  the 
child  should  develop  his  individuality,  and 
the  parents  curb  theirs,  may  be  matter  for 
wonder  to  those  not  educated  up  to  this 
261 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

twentieth-century  standard  of  ethics.  If 
"days  should  speak  and  multitude  of 
years  should  teach  wisdom,"  the  father 
and  mother  are  better  fitted  to  dictate  to 
the  child  than  the  child  to  dictate  to  them. 
And  yet,  in  the  average  home,  the  last- 
mentioned  form  of  government  prevails. 

Nothing  is  more  unkind  than  to  allow  a 
child  to  do  as  he  pleases,  for,  as  surely  as 
he  lives,  he  must  learn  sooner  or  later  to 
yield  to  authority  and  to  exercise  self- 
control.  The  earlier  the  training  begins, 
the  easier  it  will  be.  The  child  creeping 
about  the  room  soon  knows  that  the  gen- 
tle, but  firm  "No!"  when  spoken  by  the 
mother  means  that  he  must  not  touch  the 
bit  of  bric-a-brac  within  reach.  And  even 
this  lesson  will  stand  him  in  good  stead 
later  on. 

The  basic  principle  of  home  govern- 
ment must  be  love  enforced  by  firmness. 
A  punishment  should  seldom  be  threat- 

262 


CHILDREN 

ened,  but  if  promised,  must  be  given.  The 
time  for  threat  and  punishment  is  not  in 
public.  In  the  parlor,  on  the  train,  or 
boat,  it  is  the  height  of  ill-breeding  to 
make  a  scene  and  to  threaten  a  whipping, 
or  a  punishment  of  any  kind.  Were  the 
child  properly  trained  in  private,  parents 
and  beholders  would  be  spared  the  humili- 
ating spectacle  that  too  often  confronts 
them  in  visiting  and  traveling. 

One  word  here  as  to  the  child  on  train  or 
boat.  The  person  who  is  truly  well-bred 
will  not  turn  and  frown  on  the  mother 
of  the  tiny  baby  who,  suffering  with  colic, 
or  sore  from  traveling,  is  wailing  aloud. 
Of  course  the  sound  is  annoying,  but  it  is 
harder  on  the  poor,  mortified  mother  than 
on  any  one  else.  I  already  hear  the  ques- 
tion, "Why  doesn't  she  keep  the  infant  at 
home  then?"  Frequently  she  can  not  do 
this.  The  child  may  be  ill,  and  be  on  its 
way  to  seashore  or  mountains  to  gain 

263 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

health;  or  the  mother  may  be  summoned 
to  see  some  ill  relative,  and  can  not  go  un- 
less the  baby  goes,  too.  Whatever  the 
cause  of  her  going,  the  fact  remains  that 
she  derives  no  pleasure  from  holding  a 
screaming  baby,  and  her  discomfort  is 
turned  into  positive  anguish  by  the  dis- 
gusted looks  of  the  women,  and  the  mut- 
tered imprecations  of  the  men. 

I  saw  once  under  such  circumstances  a 
woman  who  was  an  honor  to  her  sex.  Op- 
posite her  in  the  train  sat  a  young  mother, 
and  in  her  arms  was  a  fretful,  wailing 
baby.  It  was  evidently  the  first  baby,  and 
the  poor  girlish  mother  was  white  and 
weary.  At  every  scream  the  baby  gave 
she  would  start  nervously,  change  the  lit- 
tle one's  position,  look  about  at  the  pas- 
sengers with  an  expression  of  pathetic 
apology, — all  the  time  keeping  up  a 
crooning  "Sh-h-h!"  that  produced  no  ef- 
fect on  the  crying  atom  of  humanity. 

264 


CHILDREN 

And,  as  is  often  the  case,  the  more  nervous 
the  mother  became,  the  more  nervous  did 
the  baby  grow,  and  the  louder  did  he 
scream.  An  exclamation  of  impatience 
came  from  a  woman  seated  behind  the 
suffering  twain,  and,  at  the  same  moment 
a  man  in  front  threw  down  his  paper  with 
a  slam  and  rushed  out  of  the  car  and  into 
the  smoker.  Then  the  woman  who  was  an 
honor  to  her  sex  came  across  from  the  seat 
opposite,  and  laid  a  gentle  hand  on  the 
mother's  shoulder,  smiling  reassurance  in 
the  tear-filled  eyes  lifted  to  hers. 

"My  dear,"  said  the  soft  voice,  "you  are 
worn  out,  and  the  baby  knows  it.  Let  me 
take  him  for  a  minute.  No,  don't  protest ! 
I  have  had  four  of  my  own,  and  they  are 
all  too  big  for  me  to  hold  in  my  arms  now. 
I  just  long  to  feel  that  baby  against  my 
shoulder!  Give  him  to  me!  There,  now! 
you  poor  tired  little  mother,  put  your  head 
down  on  the  back  of  the  seat,  and  rest!" 

265 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

She  took  the  baby  across  the  aisle,  laid 
him  over  her  shoulder  with  his  head 
against  her  cheek,  in  the  comforting  way 
known  to  all  baby-lovers,  and  in  three 
minutes  the  cries  had  subsided  and  the 
baby  was  asleep  in  the  strong  motherly 
arms,  where  he  lay  until  Jersey  City  was 
reached.  And  the  tired  little  mother  fell 
into  a  light  slumber,  too,  comforted  by  the 
appreciation  that  she  was  not  alone,  nor 
an  intolerable  nuisance  to  all  her  fellow 
passengers. 

Was  not  such  an  act  as  this  woman's  the 
perfection  of  true  courtesy,  the  courtesy 
that  forgets  itself  in  trying  to  make  an- 
other comfortable? 

This  same  spirit  spoken  of  by  Saint 
Paul  as  "in  honor  preferring  one  another" 
can  be  inculcated  in  the  children  in  our 
homes.  The  small  of  the  human  species 
are,  like  their  elders,  naturally  selfish,  and 
must  be  taught  consideration  for  others. 
266 


CHILDREN 

It  is  the  grafting  that  makes  the  rose 
what  it  is.  You  may  graft  a  Jacqueminot 
or  Marechal  Xeil  upon  the  stump  of  the 
wild  rose.  The  grafting,  the  pruning, 
and  the  training,  are  the  work  of  the  care- 
ful gardener.  The  mother  can  never  be 
idle,  for,  while  the  stock  is  there,  she  does 
the  grafting. 

Obedience  must  be  taught  in  small 
things  as  well  as  in  great.  The  tiny  child 
must  be  taught  to  remove  his  hat  when  he 
is  spoken  to,  to  give  his  hand  readily  in 
greeting,  to  say  "please"  and  "thank 
you;"  not  to  pass  in  front  of  people,  or 
between  them  and  the  fire ;  to  say  "excuse 
me!"  when  he  treads  on  his  mother's  foot 
or  dress ;  to  rise  when  she  enters  the  room ; 
and  to  take  off  his  hat  when  he  kisses  her. 
The  mother  who  insists  that  her  child  do 
these  things  at  home  need  not  fear  that 
he  will  forget  her  training  when  abroad. 


267 


XXIII 

OUR   NEIGHBORS 

The  fact  that  people  live  next  door  to 
you  does  not  make  them  your  neighbors 
in  the  higher  and  better  sense  of  that 
word.  There  may  be  nothing  in  their  per- 
sons or  characters  to  commend  them  to 
you,  or  for  that  matter,  to  commend  you 
to  them.  "Neighborhood"  in  literal  inter- 
pretation signifies  nearness  of  vicinity. 
You  have  the  right  to  choose  your  asso- 
ciates and  to  elect  your  friends. 

Presuming  on  this  truth,  dwellers  in 
cities  are  prone  to  vaunt  their  ignorance 
of,  and  indifference  to,  those  who  live  in 
the  same  street,  block  and  apartment- 
house  with  themselves.  If  newly  come  to 
what  is  a  kingdom  by  comparison  with 
their  former  estate,  they  make  a  point  of 

268 


OUR    NEIGHBORS 

seeking  society  elsewhere  than  among1  res- 
idents of  their  neighborhood.  "Let  us  be 
genteel  or  die!"  says  Dickens  of  Mrs. 
Fielding's  struggles  to  eat  dinner  with 
gloves  on.  "Let  us  be  exclusive  or  cease  to 
live  in  the  best  set!"  says  Mrs.  Upstart, 
and  refuses  to  learn  the  names  of  her 
neighbors  on  the  right  and  left. 

One  of  the  hall-marks  of  the  thorough- 
bred is  his  daily  application  of  the  maxim, 
"Live  and  let  live."  His  social  standing  is 
so  firm  that  a  jostle,  or  even  a  push  from  a 
vulgarian  who  chances  to  pass  his  way, 
can  not  disturb  him.  When  the  mongrel 
cur  bayed  at  the  moon,  "the  moon  kept  on 
shining."  If  he  be  a  gentleman  in  heart  as 
well  as  in  blood  and  name,  he  has  a  real 
interest  in  people  who  breathe  the  same 
air  and  tread  the  same  street  with  himself 
— interest  as  far  removed  from  vulgar 
curiosity  in  other  people's  concerns  as  the 
gentle  courtesy  of  his  demeanor  is  re- 
269 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

moved  from  the  familiar  bumptiousness 
of  the  forward  and  underbred. 

Entering  ourselves  as  learners  in  his 
school — and  we  could  not  study  manners 
in  a  better — we  recognize  our  neighbors 
as  such.  If  we  live  on  the  same  block 
and  meet  habitually  on  the  street,  a  civil 
bow  in  passing,  a  smile  to  a  child,  in 
chance  encounters  in  market  or  shop,  a 
word  of  salutation,  be  it  only  a  "Good 
morning,"  or  "It  is  a  fine  day!"  or,  after 
a  few  exchanges  of  this  sort — "I  hope 
your  family  keeps  well  in  this  trying 
weather" — are  tokens  of  good-will  and 
appreciation  of  the  fact  that  we  are  dwell- 
ers in  the  same  world,  town  and  neighbor- 
hood. 

None  of  these  minute  courtesies  which 
you  owe  to  yourself  and  to  your  neigh- 
bor lays  on  you  any  obligation  to  call, 
or  to  invite  her  to  call  on  you.  Failure 
to  comprehend  this  social  by-law  often 
270 


OUR    NEIGHBORS 

causes  heart-burnings  and  downright  re- 
sentment. You  may  thus  meet  and  greet 
a  woman  living  near  you  every  day  for 
twenty  years,  and  if  some  stronger  bond 
than  the  accident  of  proximity  do  not 
draw  you  together,  you  may  know  noth- 
ing more  of  her  than  her  name  and  ad- 
dress at  the  end  of  that  time — perhaps  the 
address  alone.  Unless,  indeed,  casualty  in 
the  way  of  fire,  personal  injury  or  severe 
illness,  make  expedient — and  to  the  hu- 
mane such  expediency  is  an  obligation- 
further  recognition  of  the  tie  of  neighbor- 
hood. In  either  of  the  cases  indicated, 
send  to  ask  after  the  health  of  the  sufferer, 
and  if  you  can  be  of  service.  If  there  be  a 
death  in  the  house,  a  civil  inquiry  to  the 
same  effect  and  a  card  of  sympathy  will 
"commit"  you  to  nothing. 

We  are  working  now  on  the  assump- 
tion that  each  of  us  has  a  sincere  desire  to 
brighten  the  pathway  of  others,  to  make 
271 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

this  hard  business  of  daily  living  more 
tolerable.  Of  all  the  passive  endurances 
of  life,  strangerhood  is  one  of  the  hardest 
to  the  sensitive  spirit.  Your  neighbor's 
heart  is  lighter  because  you  show  that  you 
are  aware  of  her  existence  and,  in  some 
sort,  recognize  her  identity.  She  may  not 
be  your  congener.  Your  bow  and  smile 
remind  her  that  you  are  her  fellow  human 
being.  Stranger  ships  meeting  in  mid- 
ocean  do  not  wait  to  inspect  credentials  be- 
fore exchanging  salutes. 

If  your  neighbor  be  an  acquaintance 
whom  you  esteem,  do  not  let  her  be  in 
doubt  on  this  point. 

In  ante-bellum  days  at  the  South, 
neighborhood  was  a  powerful  bond  of 
sympathy.  Miles  meant  less  to  them  in 
this  respect  than  so  many  squares  mean  to 
us  now.  A  system  of  wireless  telegraphy 
connected  plantations  for  an  area  of 
many  miles.  Joy  or  sorrow  set  the  current 

272 


OUR    NEIGHBORS 

in  motion  from  one  end  to  the  other.  What 
I  have  called  elsewhere  being  "kitch- 
enly-kind,"  was  comprehended  in  per- 
fection in  that  bygone  time.  When  the 
house-mother  sent  a  pot  of  preserves  to 
her  neighbor  with  her  love  and  "she  would 
like  to  know  how  you  all  are  to-day,"  it 
was  the  outward  and  substantial  sign  of 
the  inward  grace  of  loving  kindness,  and 
not  an  intimation  that  the  recipient's  pre- 
serve-closet was  not  so  well-stocked  as  the 
giver's.  When  opening  hamper  and  un- 
folding napkin  showed  a  quarter  of  lamb, 
or  a  steak,  or  a  roll  of  home-made  "sau- 
sage meat,"  enough  neighborly  love  gar- 
nished the  gift  to  make  it  beautiful. 
Out-of -fashion  now-a-days? 

*'  'Tis  true :  'tis  true  'tis  pity, 
And  pity  'tis  'tis  true." 

Enough  of  the  old-time  spirit  lives 
among  our  really  "best  people"  to  justify 
the  "kitchenly-kind"  in  proffering  gifts 

273 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

that  presuppose  personal  liking  and  ac- 
tive desire  to  please  a  neighbor.  A  cake 
compounded  by  yourself;  a  plate  of 
home-made  rolls  taken  from  your  own 
table;  a  dainty  fancy  dish  of  sweets  of 
home-manufacture,  express  more  of  the 
"real  thing"  than  a  box  of  confectionery 
or  a  basket  of  flowers  "put  up"  by  a  flor- 
ist. It  is  the  personal  touch  that  glorifies 
the  gift,  the  consciousness  that  your 
neighbor  thinks  enough  of  you  to  give  of 
her  time  and  service  for  your  pleasure. 
The  home-made  offering  partakes  of  her 
individuality,  and  appeals  to  yours. 

Neighborliness  does  not,  of  necessity, 
imply  familiarity  of  manner  and  speech 
that  may  become  offensive,  or  a  continu- 
ous performance  of  visits,  calls  and 
"droppings-in"  that  must  inevitably  be- 
come a  bore,  however  congenial  may  be 
the  association.  Those  friendships  last 
longest  where  certain  decorous  forms  are 

274 


always  observed,  no  matter  how  close  the 
mutual  affection  may  be.  Mrs.  Stowe,  in 
one  of  her  New  England  stories,  describes 
the  intercourse  between  two  families  as 
"a  sort  of  undress  intimacy."  Reading 
further,  we  find  that  this  dishabille  com- 
panionship involves  visits  by  way  of  the 
back  door  and  at  all  sorts  of  unconven- 
tional hours. 

Such  abandonment  of  the  reserves  that 
etiquette  enjoins  on  every  household  is  a 
dangerous  experiment.  The  back  porch 
is  for  family  use.  Your  next-door  neigh- 
bor may  not  meddle  therewith.  Person- 
ally, I  do  not  want  my  own  son,  or  my 
married  daughters,  to  enter  my  house 
through  the  kitchen.  If  you,  dear  reader, 
would  retain  your  footing  in  the  house  of 
the  friend  best-loved  by  you,  come  in  by 
the  front  door,  and  never  without  an- 
nouncing your  presence  as  any  other  vis- 
itor would.  Steady  persistence  in  this  rule 
275 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

will  avoid  the  chances  of  divers  unpleas- 
ant possibilities.  Your  hostess — or  her  hus- 
band— or  grown  son — may  be  as  much  in 
dishabille  as  the  intimacy  which,  in  your 
opinion,  warrants  you  in  running  in  and 
up,  without  knock  or  ring.  You  may  hap- 
pen on  a  love-scene,  or  a  family  quar- 
rel, or  a  girl  may  be  in  the  hands  of  the 
treasure  of  a  hair-dresser  who  shampoos 
her  twice  a  month  with  pure  water  that 
looks  like  peroxide  of  hydrogen,  and  "re- 
stores" the  subject's  dark  brown  tresses  to 
the  guileless  flaxen  of  her  forgotten  baby- 
hood; or  your  clattering  heels  upon  the 
stairway  may  break  the  touchy  old  grand- 
mother's best  afternoon  nap. 

There  is  but  one  place  on  earth  where 
it  is  safe  to  make  yourself  "perfectly  at 
home,"  and  that  is  your  own  house — or 
apartment — or  chamber. 


276 


XXIV 

• 

ETIQUETTE    OF    CHURCH   AND    PARISH 

Theoretically,  the  church  is  a  pure  de- 
mocracy, a  mighty  family.  There,  if  any- 
where, the  rich  and  the  poor  meet  together 
on  terms  of  absolute  equality. 

In  that  least  poetical  of  pious  jingles,— 

"Blest  be  the  tie  that  binds,"— 
we  declare  that 

"The  fellowship  of  kindred  minds 
Is  like  to  that  above." 

These  and  other  Pietistic  platitudes, 
whether  tame  or  tuneful,  are  technical, 
and  so  nearly  meaningless  as  not  to  pro- 
voke debate.  Every  reasonable  man  and 
woman  knows  and  does  not  affect  to  con- 
ceal his  or  her  consciousness  of  the  truth 
that  social  distinctions  are  not  effaced  by 
the  enrolment  of  rich  and  poor,  educated 
277 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

and  illiterate,  refined  and  boorish,  in  im- 
partial order  upon  the  "church  books." 
True  religion  does  refine  feeling  and  en- 
gender benevolence  and  charitable  judg- 
ment of  our  fellows.  In  doing  this,  it  cre- 
ates a  common  ground  of  sympathy,  as  of 
belief.  It  elevates  the  moral  and  spiritual 
nature.  Of  itself,  it  does  not  enrich  the  in- 
tellect, or  polish  manners.  One  may  have 
a  clean  heart  and  dirty  flesh-and-blood 
hands ;  may  be  a  sincere  and  earnest  Chris- 
tian, yet  double  his  negatives,  shove  his 
food  into  his  mouth  with  his  knife,  prefer 
the  corner  of  a  table-cloth  to  a  napkin,  and 
be  an  alien  in  the  matter  of  finger-bowls. 

It  is  possible  that  two  women  may 
work  together  harmoniously  in  church 
and  parish  associations,  each  esteeming 
the  other's  excellent  qualities  of  heart  and 
enjoying  the  fellowship  of  her  "kindred 
mind,"  and  yet  that  both  should  be  in- 
tensely uncomfortable  if  forced  into  re- 

278 


CHURCH    AND    PARISH 

ciprocal  social  relations  that  have  nothing 
to  do  with  church  or  charity. 

These  are  plain  facts  no  reasonable  per- 
son will  dispute.  In  view  of  them  the  fact, 
equally  patent,  that  the  Newlyrich  clan 
invariably  resort  to  church  connection  as  a 
lever  to  raise  them  to  a  higher  social  plane, 
is  one  of  the  anomalies  of  human  inter- 
course that  may  well  stir  the  satirist  to 
bitter  ridicule  and  move  compassionate  be- 
holders to  wonder. 

"When  they  begin  to  feel  their  oats 
they  go  off  to  you!"  laughed  the  keen- 
witted, sweet-natured  pastor  of  a  down- 
town church  to  a  brother  clergyman  whose 
flock  worshiped  in  a  finer  building  and  a 
fashionable  neighborhood.  "The  sheep 
with  the  golden  fleece  always  finds  a 
breach  in  our  church-wall." 

It  takes  him,  his  ewe  and  his  lambs,  a 
long  time  to  learn  that  pew-proximity 
does  not  bring  about  social  sympathy.  It 
279 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

is  not  a  week  since  I  saw  a  girl,  a  thor- 
oughbred from  crown  to  toe,  flush  in  sur- 
prise and  draw  herself  up  in  unconscious 
hauteur,  when  a  flashily-dressed  young 
person  greeted  her  across  the  vestibule  of 
a  concert-room  with  "Hello,  Nellie!  didn't 
we  have  a  bully  time  last  night?" 

They  had  attended  a  Sunday-school  an- 
niversary, and  as  their  classes  were  side  by 
side,  had  exchanged  remarks  in  the  inter- 
vals of  recitations,  songs  and  addresses. 
The  parvenu's  clothes  were  more  costly 
than  "Nellie's;"  her  father  was  richer; 
they  were  members  of  the  same  church! 
To  her  vulgar  mind  these  circumstances 
gave  her  the  right  to  take  a  liberty  with  a 
slight  acquaintance  such  as  no  well-bred 
person  would  have  dreamed  of  assuming. 

First,  then,  I  place  among  the  maxims 
of  Church  and  Parish  Etiquette:  Do  not 
imagine  that  your  next  pew-neighbor 
must  be  your  acquaintance.  If  she  be  a 

280 


CHURCH    AND    PARISH 

new-comer  and  a  stranger  in  the  congre- 
gation, bow  to  her  in  meeting  in  lobby  or 
in  aisle,  gravely  and  yet  cordially,  recog- 
nizing her  as  a  fellow -worshiper  in  a  tem- 
ple where  all  are  welcome  and  equal.  If 
you  can  be  of  service  to  her  in  finding  the 
place  of  hymn  or  psalm,  should  she  be  at 
a  loss,  perform  the  neighborly  service 
tactfully  and  graciously, — always  be- 
cause you  are  in  the  House  of  the  All- 
Father,  and  are  His  children, — not  that 
you  seek  to  court  a  mortal's  favor  for  any 
ulterior  purpose. 

In  meeting  her  on  the  street  let  your 
salutation  be  ready,  and  pleasant,  but  not 
familiar.  Don't  "Hello,  Nellie!"  her,  then 
or  ever,  while  bearing  in  mind  that  non- 
recognition  of  one  you  know  to  be  a  regu- 
lar attendant  at  the  same  church  with 
yourself,  yet  a  comparative  stranger 
there,  is  unkind  and  un-Christian. 

The  case  is  different  if  you  are  the 
281 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

stranger.  Friendly  advances  should  come 
from  the  other  side.  If  they  are  not  made, 
there  is  nothing  for  you  to  do  but  to  con- 
tent yourself  with  the  recollection  that  you 
go  to  church  to  worship  God,  not  to  make 
acquaintances.  Never  depend  on  your 
church-connection  for  society.  If  you 
find  congenial  associates  there,  rejoice  in 
the  happy  circumstance  and  make  the 
most  of  it.  If  you  do  not,  do  not  rail  at 
the  congregation  as  "stiff  and  stuck  up," 
at  the  church  as  a  hollow  sham,  and  the 
pastor  as  an  unfaithful  shepherd.  The 
expectation  on  the  part  of  some  people 
that  he  should  neglect  the  weightier  mat- 
ters of  the  law  and  the  gospel,  and  prosti- 
tute his  holy  office  by  becoming  a  social 
pudding-stick  for  incorporating  into  "a 
jolly  crowd"  the  divers  elements  of  those 
to  whom  he  is  called  to  minister,  disgraces 
humanity  and  civilization — not  to  say 
Christianity. 

282 


CHURCH    AND    PARISH 

Pew-hospitality  has  fallen  into  disuse 
to  a  great  extent  of  late  years,  principally 
on  account  of  the  usher-service.  The 
tendency  of  this  partial  desuetude  is  to 
make  pew-owners  utterly  careless  of  their 
obligation  to  entertain  strangers.  Re- 
gard for  the  best  interests  of  your  partic- 
ular church-organization  should  suggest 
to  you  as  a  duty  that  you  notify  the  usher 
in  your  aisle  of  your  willingness  to  receive 
strangers  into  your  pews  whenever  the 
one  or  two  vacant  seats  there  may  be 
needed.  If  your  family  fills  them  all 
every  Sunday,  you  can  not  exercise  the 
grace  of  hospitality. 

When  one  or  two,  or  three,  are  to  be  ab- 
sent from  either  service,  however,  take  the 
trouble  to  apprise  the  oft-sorely-per- 
plexed official  of  the  fact,  and  give  him 
leave  to  bring  to  your  door  any  one  he  has 
to  seat.  When  the  stranger  appears,  let 
him  see  at  once  that  you  esteem  his  coming 

283 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

a  pleasure.  Give  him  a  good  seat,  a  book 
and  a  welcome  generally. 

By  this  behavior  you  commend  to  his 
favor  your  church,  human  nature,  and  the 
cause  dearest  to  your  heart. 

If  you  are  the  visiting  worshiper,  and 
it  is  evident  that  the  other  occupants  of 
the  pew  are  the  owners  thereof,  make 
courteous  and  grateful  acknowledgment 
at  the  close  of  the  service,  of  the  hospital- 
ity you  have  received.  I  hope  the  return 
you  get  will  not  be  the  cold,  supercilious 
stare  one  true  gentlewoman  had  from  the 
holder  of  a  pew  in  the  middle  aisle  of  a 
fashionable  church  in  New  York.  The 
guest  put  into  Mrs.  Haut  Ton's  pew, 
thanked  the  latter  simply  and  gracefully 
for  the  opportunity  given  her  of  hearing 
an  admirable  sermon. 

"Who  are  you  that  dare  address  me!" 
said  the  silent  stare.  "It  is  bad  enough  to 
have  my  pew  invaded  by  an  unvouched- 

284 


CHURCH    AND    PARISH 

for  stranger  without  being  subjected  to 
the  impertinence  of  speech !" 

The  last  place  upon  God's  earth  where 
incivility  and  the  arrogance  of  self-con- 
ceit are  admissible  is  His  house.  "Be  piti- 
ful," writes  the  apostle  who  learned  his 
code  of  manners  from  One  who  has  been 
not  irreverently  called  "the  truest  gentle- 
man who  ever  lived."  "Be  pitiful;  be 
courteous !" 

The  relations  of  parishioner  and  the 
pastor's  family  are  often  strained  hard  by 
the  popular  misconception  of  the  social 
obligations  existing — or  that  should  ex- 
ist— between  them.  In  no  "call"  that  I 
ever  heard  of  is  the  clergyman  enjoined 
to  cater  to  the  whims  and  vanities  of  ex- 
acting members  by  visits  that  are  not  de- 
manded by  spiritual  or  temporal  needs, 
and  which  minister  to  nothing  but  the 
aforesaid  jealous  vanity.  Send  for  a 
clergyman  when  his  priestly  offices  are  re- 

285 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

quired.  For  the  rest  of  his  precious  time 
let  him  come  as  he  likes,  and  go  whither 
he  considers  his  duty  calls  him.  He  was  a 
man  before  he  took  orders,  and  the  man 
has  social  rights.  Let  him  "neighbor,"  as 
old-fashioned  folk  used  to  say,  with  his 
kind. 

The  aforesaid  "call"  makes  no  mention 
of  his  family.  If  you  like  to  call  on  them 
when  they  come  to  the  parish,  and  if 
you  find  them  congenial — your  conge- 
ners in  fact — keep  up  the  association  as 
you  would  with  your  doctor's,  or  your 
lawyer's  family.  That  you  belong  to 
Doctor  Barnabas'  parish,  that  you  are  the 
wife  or  daughter  of  an  officer  in  his 
church,  gives  you  absolutely  no  claim 
on  his  wife  or  daughters  beyond  what  you, 
individually,  possess.  To  demand  that 
Mrs.  Barnabas,  refined  in  every  instinct, 
highly-educated  and  with  tastes  for  what 
is  best  and  highest  in  social  companion- 

286 


CHURCH    AND    PARISH 

ship,  should  be  bullied  and  patronized  by 
.Mrs.  Million,  a  purse-proud  vulgarian, 
unlearned  and  stupid,  is  sheer  barbarity. 
Yet  we  see  it — and  worse — in  every 
American  church. 

Do  you,  sensible  and  amenable  reader, 
lead  the  way  to  better  things;  loosen  at 
least  one  buckle  of  the  harness  that  bows 
many  a  fine  spirit  to  breaking,  and  makes 
"the  Church"  a  smoke  in  the  nostrils  of 
unprejudiced  outsiders.  Separate  ecclesi- 
astical from  social  relations.  Owe  your 
right  to  call  a  fellow  parishioner  "friend," 
and  to  visit  at  manse  or  parsonage,  or 
rectory,  to  what  you  are — not  to  the  ad- 
ventitious circumstance  of  being  a  mem- 
ber in  good  standing  in  a  fashionable,  or 
an  unfashionable,  church.  Exact  no  con- 
sideration from  those  who  belong  with 
you  to  the  household  of  faith  on  the 
ground  of  that  spiritual  "fellowship." 

The  position  is  false ;  the  claim  ignoble. 
287 


XXV 

COURTESY  FROM  THE  YOUNG  TO  THE  OLD 

The  pessimist,  reading  the  heading  of 
this  chapter,  would  be  inclined  to  ask  if 
one  writes  nowadays  of  a  lost  quantity. 
While  we  do  not  consider  the  grace  of 
courtesy  as  entirely  lost,  we  are  at  times 
tempted  to  think  that  it  has  "gone  before," 
and  so  far  before  that  it  is  lost  sight  of 
by  the  rising  generation. 

The  days  have  passed  when  the  hoary 
head  was  a  crown  of  glory,  as  the  royal 
preacher  declares.  It  is  certain  that  if  it  is 
a  crown,  it  is  one  before  which  the  youth 
of  the  twentieth  century  do  not  bow. 

Before  we  condemn  the  young  unspar- 
ingly for  their  lack  of  reverence,  we  must 
look  at  the  other  side  of  the  question.  To- 
day there  are  few  old  people.  First,  there 

288 


COURTESY    FROM    THE     YOUNG 

is  youth.  That  lasts  almost  until  one  is  a 
grandparent;  then  one  is  middle-aged. 
No  one  is  old, — at  least  few  will  acknow- 
ledge it.  The  woman  of  forty-five  is  on 
"the  shady  side  of  thirty,"  she  of  sixty- 
five,  is  "on  the  down-slope  from  fifty." 
And,  even  when  the  age  is  announced,  one 
is  reminded  that  "a  woman  is  only  as  old 
as  she  feels."  There  is  sound  common 
sense  in  all  this.  Can  not  we  afford  to 
snap  our  fingers  at  Father  Time  and  his 
laws,  when  the  law  within  ourselves  tells 
us  that  we  are  young  in  heart,  in  feeling, 
in  aims?  So  the  principle  that  bids  us 
shut  our  eyes  at  the  figure  on  the  mile- 
stone we  are  passing  is  a  good  one.  As 
long  as  we  feel  fresh  still  for  the  journey, 
as  long  as  every  step  is  a  pleasure,  what 
difference  if  the  walk  has  been  five  miles 
long  or  fifteen?  We  judge  of  the  strain 
by  the  effect  it  has  had  on  us.  If  we 
feel  unwearied  and  ready  for  miles  and 
289 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

miles  ahead  of  us,  who  shall  say  that 
the  walk  has  been  ten  miles  long,  when  we 
are  conscious  in  our  energetic  limbs  that  it 
has  only  been  two  delightful  miles? 

The  fact  that  no  one  is  now  old  has 
its  effect  on  the  Young  Person  in  our 
midst.  She  hesitates  to  say  to  the  matron, 
"Take  this  seat,  please!"  when  she  knows 
that  in  her  soul  the  matron  will  resent  the 
insinuation  that  she  is  on  the  downward 
grade.  Not  long  ago  I  witnessed  the 
chagrin  of  a  woman  of  thirty-five  who 
rose  and  gave  her  seat  in  a  stage  to  a 
woman  who  was,  if  one  may  judge  by  the 
false  standard  of  appearances,  at  least 
fifteen  years  her  senior.  The  elderly 
woman  flushed  indignantly: 

"Pray  keep  your  seat,  madam!"  she 
commanded  in  stentorian  tones.  "I  may 
be  gray-headed,  but  I  am  not  old  or  de- 
crepit!" 

She  of  thirty-five  had  cast  her  pearls  of 
290 


COURTESY    FROM    THE    YOUNG 

courtesy  before  swine,  and  assuredly  they 
had  been  trampled  underfoot. 

I  fancy  that  one  reason  gray  hair  is 
becoming  fashionable  is  this  desire  to 
cling  to  youth.  Every  year  more  young 
women  tell  us  that  they  are  prematurely 
gray,  and  their  sister-women  add  eagerly, 
"So  many  women  are,  nowadays!" 

Our  Young  Person  must,  then,  be  very 
careful  how  she  displays  the  feeling  of 
reverence  for  age  which,  we  would  like  to 
believe,  is  inherent  in  every  well-regulated 
nature.  She  must  exercise  tact,  without 
which  no  person  shall  have  popularity. 

One  point  in  which  Young  America 
displays  lamentable  vulgarity  is  in  the 
habit  of  interrupting  older  people.  In- 
terruptions, we  of  a  former  generation 
were  taught,  are  rude.  That  is  a  forgot- 
ten fact  in  many  so-called  polite  circles. 
And  when  people  do  not  interrupt  they 
seem  to  be  waiting  for  the  person  speak- 
291 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

ing  to  finish  what  he  has  to  say  in  order  to 
"cut  in"  (no  other  expression  describes  it 
fitly)  with  some  new  and  original  remark. 
That  is,  apparently,  the  only  reason  that 
one  listens  to  others, — just  for  the  sake  of 
having  some  one  to  answer.  The  world  is 
full  of  things,  and  getting  fuller  every 
day,  and  unless  one  talks  most  of  the  time 
he  will  never  be  able  to  air  his  opinions  on 
all  points.  And  every  one's  opinion  is  of 
priceless  value, — at  least  to  himself.  This 
seems  to  be  the  attitude  of  Young  Amer- 
ica. Yet  in  courtesy  to  the  hoary  head  one 
should  occasionally  pause  long  enough  to 
allow  the  owner  thereof  to  express  an 
opinion.  Although  one  has  passed  fifty, 
one  may,  nevertheless,  have  sound  judg- 
ment, and  ideas  on  some  subjects  that  are 
worth  consideration.  I  wish  young  men 
and  women  would  occasionally  remember 
this. 

The  woman  of  sixty,  or  over,  can  really 
292 


COURTESY    FROM    THE    YOUNG 

learn  little  of  value  from  her  grand- 
daughter,— even  when  that  granddaugh- 
ter is  a  college  graduate,  and  has  all  the 
arrogance  of  twenty  years.  Of  course, 
grandmother  may  need  enlightenment 
on  college  athletics,  on  golf,  even,  per- 
haps, on  bridge, — although  that  is  very 
doubtful,  if  she  lives  in  a  fashionable 
neighborhood.  But,  after  all,  these  are 
not  the  greatest  things  of  life.  She 
would,  perchance,  be  glad  to  listen  to  her 
young  relative's  accounts  of  her  sports  if 
she  would  take  the  trouble  to  tell  the  hap- 
penings that  interest  her,  in  a  loving,  re- 
spectful spirit.  Our  elderly  woman  does 
not  like  to  be  patronized,  to  be  told  that 
she  dresses  like  an  old  fashion-plate,  and 
that  she  is,  to  use  the  slang  of  the  day,  a 
"back  number."  The  grandmother  knows 
better.  She  has  lived  and  she  is  sure  that 
from  her  store  of  knowledge  of  life,— 
of  men,  women  and  things  as  they  really 
293 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

are, — she  could  bring  forth  treasures,  new 
and  old,  that  would  be  of  great  help  to  the 
hot-headed,  impulsive  young  girl  about 
to  risk  all  on  the  perilous  journey  that  lies 
before  her. 

I  would,  therefore,  suggest  that  Our 
Girl  practise  deference  toward  her  elders. 
At  first  she  may  not  find  it  easy,  but  it  is 
worth  cultivating.  It  is,  moreover,  much 
more  becoming  than  the  arrogance  and 
aggressiveness  too  common  nowadays. 
There  is  something  wrong  when  a  person 
feels  no  respect  for  one  who  has  attained 
to  double  or  treble  her  years.  There  is 
something  lacking.  The  collegians  of 
both  sexes  would  do  well  to  turn  their 
analytical  minds  on  themselves,  and,  as 
improvement  is  the  order  of  the  day, 
add  to  their  fund  of  becoming  attain- 
ments the  sweet,  old-fashioned  attribute 
of  courtesy  and  reverence  toward  age. 

It  is  easy,  after  all,  if  one  will  watch 
294 


COURTESY    FROM    THE    YOUNG 

carefully,  to  do  the  little  kind  thing  that 
makes  for  comfort,  and  not  do  it  aggres- 
sively. It  is  not  necessary  to  adjust  a  pil- 
low at  the  elderly  person's  back  as  if  she 
needed  it.  I  saw  a  sweet  woman  put  a 
pillow  behind  an  invalid  with  such  tact 
that  the  sufferer,  who  was  acutely  sensi- 
tive on  the  subject  of  her  condition,  did 
not  suspect  that  her  hostess  had  her  ill- 
ness in  mind. 

"My  dear,"  said  this  tactful  woman, 
"if  you  are  'built'  as  I  am,  you  must  find 
that  chair  desperately  uncomfortable 
without  a  cushion  behind  you!  I  simply 
will  not  sit  in  it  without  this  little  bit  of  a 
pillow  wedged  in  at  the  small  of  my  back. 
I  find  it  so  much  more  comfortable  so, 
that  I  am  sure  you  will." 

And  the  cushion  was  adjusted.  Could 
even  supersensitive  and  suspicious  Old 
Age  have  resented  such  attention? 

Of  course  elderly  people  like  to  talk. 

295 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

Why  should  they  not  be  allowed  to  do  it? 
iThe  boy  or  girl  listener  is  impatient  of 
what  he  or  she  terms  inwardly  "garrulous- 
ness."  Is  not  the  prattle  of  youth  as  try- 
ing to  old  people?  But,  to  do  them  justice, 
unless  they  are  very  crabbed,  they  listen 
to  it  kindly. 

Unfortunately  one  seldom  sees  a  young 
person  rise  and  remain  standing  when  an 
old  person  enters  the  room.  Yet  to  loll 
back  in  a  chair  under  such  circumstances 
is  one  of  the  greatest  rudenesses  of  which 
a  girl  or  boy  is  capable. 

Right  here,  may  I  put  in  a  plea  for  the 
old  man?  In  the  first  place,  he  is  not  as 
popular  as  the  old  woman.  She  is  often  be- 
loved ;  he,  poor  soul !  is  too  often  endured. 
In  very  truth  he  is  not  so  lovable  as  his 
lady-wife.  He  did  not  take  the  time  while 
he  was  young  to  cultivate  the  little  nice- 
ties of  life  as  she  did.  Women  have  more 
regard  for  appearances  than  men  have, 
296 


COURTESY    FROM    THE    YOUNG 

and  their  life  is  not  spent  so  often  in  count- 
ing-room and  office ;  they  are,  in  their  daily 
life,  surrounded  by  refined  persons  more 
than  are  their  husbands ;  they  do  not  have 
to  talk  by  the  hour  with  rough  men,  give 
orders  to  surly  underlings,  eat  at  lunch 
counters,  and  join  in  the  morning  and 
evening  rush-for-life  to  get  a  seat  in  the 
crowded  car  or  train  where  the  law  is 
"Sauve  qui  pent!"  or,  in  brutal  English 
"Every  man  for  himself  and" — no  matter 
who — "for  the  hindmost!"  All  these 
things,  after  years  and  years,  influence  the 
man  or  woman.  It  is  inevitable.  It  even 
affects  the  inner  life.  The  Book  of  books 
tells  us  that  though  the  outward  man  per- 
ish, the  inward  man  is  renewed  day  by  day. 
Sometimes  the  inward  man  is  hardly  worth 
renewing  at  the  end  of  a  life  of  sucli  rush 
and  mad  haste  after  the  elusive  dollar  that 
there  has  been  no  place  for  the  gentle 
amenities  of  existence.  Therefore,  as  the 
297 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

man  gets  old,  his  nature  comes  to  the 
front,  and,  too  often,  the  courtesies  that 
were  pinned  on  him  by  a  loving  wife,  and 
kept  polished  up  by  her,  drop  off  and  he 
does  not  want  to  bother  to  have  them  re- 
adjusted. Consequently,  he  often  has  hab- 
its that  are  not  pretty.  He  is  irascible ;  he 
is  intolerant  with  youth,  and,  now  that  he 
is  laid  aside,  he  likes  to  tell  of  what  he  did 
when  he  was  as  active  as  the  young  men 
about  him.  Dear  young  people,  let  him 
talk!  Listen  to  him,  and  remember  that  at 
your  age  he  was  just  as  agreeable  as  you. 
Consider,  too,  that  if,  when  you  are  old, 
you  would  escape  being  the  self-absorbed 
being  you  think  him,  you  would  do  well 
now  to  begin  to  avoid  the  selfishness  and 
self-absorption  that  you  find  make  the  old 
man  objectionable.  Practise  on  him,  and 
he  will  in  his  old  age  still  be  doing  a  good 
work. 

It  is  not  pleasant  to  feel  old,  to  know 

298 


COURTESY    FROM    THE    YOUNG 

that  you  are  set  aside  in  the  minds  of 
others  as  "a  has-been."  There  are  few 
more  cruel  lessons  given  to  human  beings 
to  learn  in  this  hard  school  we  call  life. 
And  this  task  has  to  be  learned  when 
strength  and  courage  wane,  and  the  grass- 
hopper is  a  burden.  If  young  people 
would  only  make  it  unnecessary  for  the 
older  person  to  acquire  it!  It  lies  with 
youth  to  make  the  declining  years  of  those 
near  the  end  of  the  journey  a  weary  wait- 
ing for  that  end,  or  a  peaceful  loitering 
on  a  road  that  shall  be  a  foretaste  of  a 
Land  in  which  no  one  ever  grows  old. 


299 


XXVI 

MISTRESS  AND  MAID 

They  were  not  foreordained  from  all 
eternity  to  be  sworn  enemies.  Could  that 
fact  be  impressed  on  the  mind  of  each, 
there  would  be  less  friction  between  them. 

Where,  in  this  day  and  in  this  country, 
is  found  the  family  servant  who  follows 
the  fortunes  of  her  employers  through  ad- 
versity and  evil  report,  asking  only  to  be 
allowed  to  live  among  those  who  have 
shown  her  kindness,  who  have  taught  her 
all  she  knows,  and  who  have  been  kinder 
to  her  than  her  own  family  have  been? 
She  may  exist  in  the  imagination  of  the 
optimistic  novelist, — but  not  in  reality. 
Once  in  a  great  while  such  a  servant,  well- 
advanced  in  life,  is  found, — but  she  is  a 
rara  avis. 

300 


MISTRESS    AND    MAID 

It  is  trite  to  say  that  in  this  country  the 
servant  matter  is  all  askew.  We  know 
that,  and  it  is  incumbent  on  us  to  make 
the  best  of  matters  as  we  find  them.  To 
do  this  both  mistress  and  maid  should  be 
impressed  with  the  fact  expressed  in  the 
opening  sentence  of  this  chapter.  As  mat- 
ters now  are,  the  maid  sees  in  the  mistress 
a  possible  tyrant,  one  who  will  exact  the 
pound  of  flesh,  and,  if  the  owner  thereof 
be  not  on  her  guard,  will  insist  on  a  few 
extra  ounces  thrown  in  for  good  measure. 
The  mistress  sees  in  the  suspicious  girl 
a  person  who  will,  if  the  chance  be  offered 
her,  turn  against  her  employer,  will  do  the 
smallest  amount  of  work  possible  for  the 
highest  wages  she  can  demand;  break 
china,  smash  glass,  shut  her  eyes  to  dirt 
in  the  corners,  and  accept  the  first  oppor- 
tunity that  offers  itself  to  leave  her  pres- 
ent place  and  get  one  that  demands  fewer 
duties  and  larger  pay. 

301 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

One  of  the  great  mistakes  of  the  mis- 
tress is  that  she  lets  the  state  of  affairs 
annoy  her.  Why  should  she?  The 
maid  is  not  "her  own  kind,"  and  the 
woman  is  wrong  who  judges  the  unedu- 
cated, ill-reared  hireling  by  the  rules 
that  govern  the  better  classes.  The  ser- 
vant and  the  employer  have  been  reared  in 
different  worlds,  and  to  ignore  this  fact 
is  folly.  How  often  do  we  see  the 
mistress  "hurt"  because  of  Norah's  lack 
of  consideration  for  her  and  her  time,  and 
vexed  because  the  servant  fails  to  ap- 
preciate any  kindness  shown  her?  Let  her 
accept  the  condition  of  affairs  as  what  the 
slangy  boy  would  call  "part  of  the  game," 
and  not  waste  God-given  nerve  and  en- 
ergy in  worrying  over  it.  If  she  gets 
reasonably  good  return  in  work  for  the 
wages  she  pays,  she  should  be  content.  To 
expect  gratitude  of  the  working-class  is, 
too  often,  but  hunting  for  the  proverbial 

302 


MISTRESS    AND    MAID 

needle  in  the  stack  of  hay.  Blessed  is  she 
who  does  not  seek  it,  for  she  will  never  be 

% 

disappointed. 

Nor  should  the  mistress  expect  a  friend 
and  counselor  in  the  maid.  Once  in  a 
while,  one  meets  a  servant  who,  by  some 
accident,  is  capable  of  discerning  the  re- 
finement of  nature  in  her  employer,  and  of 
respecting  it.  In  this  case,  she  may  care 
more  for  the  employer  for  knowing  that 
she  is  trusted.  The  mistress  who,  ac- 
knowledging this,  makes  a  confidante  of 
her  maid,  is  running  a  great  risk.  It  is  an 
unnatural  state  of  affairs,  and  unnatural 
relations  are  never  likely  to  be  successful 
or  happy. 

Yes!  there  is  no  doubt  about  it, — the 
system  of  domestic  service  is  all  wrong, 
and  it  grows  worse.  Except  in  a  few  ex- 
ceptional cases,  the  distrust  of  the  house- 
wife for  the  maid-of-all-work,  the  suspi- 
cious attitude  of  said  maid  toward  her 

SOS 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

nominal  mistress,  increase  with  each  pass- 
ing year. 

The  evil  is  so  great  that  the  only  remedy 
lies  in  each  household  doing  by  itself  the 
best  that  lies  within  its  power  to  change 
the  current.  Were  each  housewife  in  the 
country  to  strive  to  better  matters,  the 
change  would  soon  be  apparent. 

It  is  a  fact  that,  by  appealing  to  the 
best  in  human  nature — be  that  nature 
American,  Irish,  German  or  Scandina- 
vian— we  elicit  the  best  from  our  fellow 
creatures.  Let  the  mistress,  then,  try  to 
believe  in  the  good  intentions  of  her  ser- 
vant, or,  if  she  can  not  really  believe  in 
them,  let  her  intend  to  do  so.  Her  at- 
titude of  mind  will,  unconsciously  to  her- 
self, make  itself  felt  upon  her  hireling. 
Let  her  take  it  for  granted  that  the  "new 
girl"  means  to  stay,  is  honest,  trustworthy, 
and  anxious  to  please,  and  let  her  talk  to 
her  as  if  all  these  things  were  foregone 

304 


MISTRESS    AND    MAID 

conclusions.  She  may  show  by  gentle  man- 
ner and  kindly  consideration  that  Xorah 
or  Gretchen  is  a  sister-woman,  not  a  ma- 
chine. If  the  washing  or  ironing  happens 
to  be  heavy,  let  her  suggest  a  simple  des- 
sert of  fruit,  instead  of  the  pudding  that 
had  been  planned.  And  if  the  maid's 
heavy  eyes  and  forced  smile  show  that  she 
is  not  well,  let  the  mistress,  for  a  brief 
moment,  put  herself  in  the  place  of  the 
hireling,  and  think  what  she  would  want 
done  for  her  under  similar  circumstances. 
She  will  then  suggest  that  some  of  the 
work  that  can  be  deferred  be  laid  aside  un- 
til the  following  day,  or  offer  to  give  a 
hand  in  making  the  beds  or  dusting  the 
rooms. 

"But,"  declares  the  systematic  house- 
wife, "I  do  not  hire  a  servant, — and  then 
do  my  own  housework  1" 

No!  Neither  did  you  hire  your  maid-of- 
all-work  to  be  a  sick  nurse, — but  were  you 

305 


EVERYDAY   ETIQUETTE 

ill  it  would  be  she  who  would  cook  your 
meals,  carry  up  your  tray  and  take  care 
of  you,  unless  you  were  so  ill  as  to  need 
the  services  of  a  trained  attendant.  Bear 
this  in  mind,  and  show  the  maid  that  you 
do  bear  it  in  mind. 

It  is  a  more  difficult  matter  to  get  the 
servant  to  look  at  the  subject  from  this 
standpoint.  She  has  not  been  educated  to 
regard  things  from  both  sides.  It  is  the 
custom  of  her  cult  to  meet  and,  in  conclave 
assembled,  to  compare  the  faults,  foibles 
and  failings  of  their  employers.  And 
when  they  do  commend  an  employer  for 
kind  treatment  it  is,  as  a  rule,  only  to 
make  the  lot  of  another  servant  look 
darker  by  contrast  with  the  bright  one  de- 
picted. 

"Oh,  me  dear!"  exclaims  Bridget  on 
entering  Norah's  kitchen  at  eight-thirty 
in  the  evening  and  finding  her  still  wash- 
ing dishes.  "And  is  this  the  hour  that  a 

306 


MISTRESS    AND    MAID 

poor,  hard-working  girl  is  kept  up  to 
wash  the  dinner-things?  There  are  no 
such  doin's  in  my  kitchen,  I  tell  ye!  My 
lady  knows  that  I  ain't  made  of  iron,  and 
she  knows,  too,  that  I  would  not  put  up 
with  such  an  imposition!" 

The  fact  that  Norah's  mistress  has 
helped  her  all  day  with  the  work,  that  she 
is  herself  the  victim  of  unexpected  com- 
pany; that  she  regrets  as  much  as  Norah 
can  that  the  unavoidable  detention  at  the 
office  of  the  master  of  the  house  has  made 
dinner  later  than  usual,  does  not  deter 
the  suddenly-enlightened  girl  from  feel- 
ing herself  a  martyr,  and  the  seed  of  hate 
and  distrust  is  quick  to  bear  fruit  in  an  of- 
fensive manner  and  a  sulky  style  of 
speech. 

She  does  not  pause  to  take  into  con- 
sideration that,  while  she  may  just  now 
be  doing  extra  work,  she  also  receives  daily 
extra  kindnesses  and  consideration  that 
307 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

were  not  agreed  upon  in  the  contract  of 
her  hire. 

There  are  just  two  rules  that  make  the 
relations  of  mistress  and  maid  tolerable  or 
pleasant.  One  is  that  everything  be  put  on 
a  purely  business  basis — an  arrangement, 
we  may  remark,  that  the  maid  would  be 
the  first  to  resent.  If  she  is  willing  to  give 
only  what  she  is  paid  for,  she  must  be 
willing  that  no  margin  be  allowed  to  her, 
and  that  she  be  expected  to  live  up  to  her 
part  of  the  contract,  fulfilling  every  duty 
as  well  as  any  servant  possibly  could,  ex- 
pecting no  allowances  or  indulgences,  and 
receiving  just  the  "times  off"  for  which 
she  bargains.  Only  that,  and  no  more! 
She  would  soon  weary  of  the  bargain. 

The  other  rule,  and  the  better,  is 
that  a  little  practical  Christianity  be 
brought  into  the  relationship, — that  the 
maid  do  her  best,  cheerfully  and  will- 
ingly, and  that  the  mistress  treat  her  in 

308 


MISTRESS    AND    MAID 

the  same  spirit,  giving  her  little  pleasures 
when  it  is  within  her  power  to  do  so,  trying 
to  smooth  the  rough  places,  and  to  make 
crooked  things  straight.  Then,  let  each 
respect  the  other  and  make  the  best  of 
the  situation.  If  it  is  intolerable,  it  may  be 
changed.  If  not  intolerable,  let  each  re- 
member that  there  is  no  law,  human  or 
divine,  that  demands  that  the  contract 
stand  for  ever — and  let  each  dissolve  the 
partnership  when  she  wishes  to  do  so. 
Until  this  is  done,  mistress  and  maid 
should  keep  silence  as  to  the  faults  of  the 
other,  trying  to  see  rather  the  virtues  than 
the  failings  of  a  sister-woman. 

I  wish  that  some  word  of  mine  with  re- 
gard to  this  matter  could  sink  into  the 
mind  of  the  mistress.  I  fear  that  it  will 
never  be  possible  to  train  the  maid  not  to 
talk  of  her  mistress  to  her  friends.  But 
the  employer  should  be  above  discussing 
her  servants  with  outsiders.  This  is  one 

309 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

of  the  most  glaring  faults  of  conversa- 
tion,— one  of  the  most  flagrant  breaches 
of  conversational  etiquette  among  women 
of  refinement.  The  hackneyed  warning 
that  the  three  D's  to  be  banished  from  po- 
lite conversation  are  Dress,  Disease  and 
Domestics,  has  not  been  heeded  by  the  av- 
erage housewife,  so  far  as  the  last  D  is 
concerned.  She  will  fill  willing  and  un- 
willing ears  with  the  account  of  her  ser- 
vants' impertinences,  of  their  faults,  of 
how  they  are  leaving  without  giving 
warning,  and  of  how  ungrateful  all  ser- 
vants are,  until  one  would  think  that  her 
own  soul  was  not  above  that  of  the  laun- 
dress, chambermaid  and  cook,  whose  fail- 
ings she  dissects  in  public.  Such  talk  re- 
minds one  of  the  conversation  with  which 
Bridget  regales  an  admiring  and  indig- 
nant coterie.  With  the  uneducated  hire- 
ling, it  may  be  pardonable ;  in  the  case  of 
the  educated  employer  it  is  inexcusable. 

310 


XXVII 

A  FINANCIAL  STUDY  FOR  OUR  YOUNG  MAR- 
RIED COUPLE 

Thirty  years  ago  I  held  a  heart-to-heart 
talk  with  reasonable,  well-meaning  hus- 
bands on  the  vital  subject  of  the  mone- 
tary relations  between  man  and  wife. 

I  quote  a  paragraph  the  force  of  which 
has  been  confirmed  to  my  mind  by  the  ad- 
ditional experience  and  observation  of 
three  more  decades  than  were  set  to  my 
credit  upon  the  age-roll  when  I  penned 
the  words: 

"I  have  studied  this  matter  long  and 
seriously,  and  I  offer  you  as  the  result  of 
my  observation  in  various  walks  of  life, 
and  careful  calculation  of  labor  and  ex- 
pense, the  bold  assertion  that  every  wife 
who  performs  her  part,  even  tolerably 

311 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

well,  in  whatsoever  rank  of  society,  more 
than  earns  her  living,  and  that  this  should 
be  an  acknowledged  fact  with  both  parties 
to  the  marriage  contract.  The  idea  of  her 
dependence  upon  her  husband  is  essen- 
tially false  and  mischievous,  and  should 
be  done  away  with,  at  once  and  for  ever. 
It  has  crushed  self-respect  out  of  thou- 
sands of  women;  it  has  scourged  thou- 
sands from  the  marriage-altar  to  the 
tomb,  with  a  whip  of  scorpions;  it  has 
driven  many  to  desperation  and  crime." 

I  have  headed  this  chapter  "A  Finan- 
cial Study  for  Our  Young  Married 
Couple"  because  I  have  little  hope  of 
changing  the  opinions  and  custom  of 
the  mature  benedict.  One  youthful  wed- 
ded pair  should  come  to  a  rational  mutual 
understanding  in  the  first  week  of  house- 
keeping as  to  an  equitable  division  of  the 
income  on  which  they  are  to  live  together. 

If  you — our   generic   "John" — shrink 

312 


OUR  YOUNG  MARRIED  COUPLE 

from  coming  down  to  "cold  business"  be- 
fore the  echoes  of  the  wedding-bells  have 
died  in  ear  and  in  heart,  call  the  discussion 
a  "Matter  of  Marriage  Etiquette,"  and 
approach  it  confidently.  And  do  you,  Mrs. 
John,  meet  his  overtures  in  a  straightfor- 
ward, sensible  way,  with  no  foolish  shrink- 
ing from  the  idea  of  even  apparent  inde- 
pendence of  him  to  whom  you  have  in- 
trusted your  person  and  your  happiness. 
It  is,  of  course,  your  part  to  harken 
quietly  to  whatever  proposition  your  more 
businesslike  spouse  may  make  as  to  the 
just  partition,  not  of  his  means,  which  are 
likewise  yours,  but  of  the  sums  you  are 
respectively  to  handle  and  to  spend.  Do 
not  accept  what  he  apportions  for  your 
use  as  a  benefaction.  He  has  endowed  you 
with  all  his  worldly  goods,  and  the  law 
confirms  the  endowment  to  a  certain  ex- 
tent. You  are  a  co-proprietor — not  a  pen- 
sioner. If,  while  the  glamour  of  Love's 

313 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

Young  Dream  envelops  and  dazes  you, 
you  are  chilled  by  what  seems  sordid  and 
commonplace,  take  the  word  of  an  old 
campaigner  for  it  that  the  time  will  come 
when  your  "allowance"  will  be  a  factor 
in  happiness  as  well  as  in  comfort. 

May  I  quote  to  John  another  and  a 
longer  extract  from  the  thirty-year-old 
"Talk  concerning  Allowances?" 

"Set  aside  from  your  income  what  you 
adjudge  to  be  a  reasonable  and  liberal 
sum  for  the  maintenance  of  your  house- 
hold in  the  style  suitable  for  people  of 
your  means  and  position.  Determine  what 
purchases  you  will  yourself  make,  and 
what  shall  be  intrusted  to  your  wife,  and 
put  the  money  needed  for  her  proportion 
into  her  care  as  frankly  as  you  take  charge 
of  your  share.  Try  the  experiment  of 
talking  to  her  as  if  she  were  a  business 
partner.  Let  her  understand  what  you  can 
afford  to  do,  and  what  you  can  not.  If 

314 


OUR  YOUNG  MARRIED  COUPLE 

in  this  explanation  you  can  say  'we'  and 
'ours,'  you  will  gain  a  decided  moral  ad- 
vantage, although  it  may  be  at  the  cost 
of  masculine  prejudice  and  pride  of 
power.  Impress  upon  her  mind  that  a 
certain  sum,  made  over  to  her  apart  from 
the  rest,  is  hers  absolutely,  not  a  present 
from  you,  but  her  honest  earnings,  and 
that  you  would  not  be  honest  were  you  to 
withhold  it.  And  do  not  ask  her  'if  that 
will  do?'  any  more  than  you  would  ad- 
dress the  question  to  any  other  woman. 
With  what  cordial  detestation  wives  re- 
gard that  brief  query  which  drops,  like 
a  sentence  of  the  Creed,  from  husbandly 
lips,  I  leave  your  spouse  to  tell  you.  Also, 
if  she  ever  heard  of  a  woman  who  an- 
swered anything  but  'Yes!' ' 

Carrying  out  the  idea  of  co-partner- 
ship, should  your  wife  exceed  her  allow- 
ance, running  herself,  and  consequently 
you,  into  debt,  meet  the  exigency  as  you 

315 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

would  a  similar  indiscretion  on  the  part 
of  a  young  and  inexperienced  member  of 
your  firm.  Treat  the  extravagance  as  a 
mistake,  not  a  fault.  Not  one  girl-wife 
in  one  hundred  who  has  not  been  a  wage- 
earner  has  had  any  experience  in  the 
management  of  finances.  The  father 
gives  the  daughter  money  when  she  (or 
her  mother)  tells  him  that  she  needs  it,  or 
would  like  to  have  it.  When  it  is  gone  he 
is  applied  to  for  more.  She  has  been  a 
beneficiary  all  her  life,  usually  an  ir- 
responsible, thoughtless  recipient  of  what 
is  lavished  or  doled  out  to  her,  according 
to  the  parental  whim  and  means. 

Teach  her  business  methods,  tactfully, 
yet  decidedly. 

One  young  wife  I  wot  of  began  keep- 
ing the  expense-book  presented  to  her  by 
her  husband  with  these  entries : 

"January  fourth.  Received  $75.00 
( Seventy-five  dollars) . 

316 


OUR  YOUNG  MARRIED  COUPLE 

"January  sixth.  Spent  $70.25  shop- 
ping, etc. 

"Balance — $4.75  set  down  to  Profit  and 
Loss." 

After  fifteen  years  of  married  life  her 
husband  died,  bequeathing  the  whole  of 
a  large  estate  to  her,  and  making  her  sole 
guardian  of  their  three  children, — a  con- 
fidence fully  justified  by  her  conduct  of 
the  affairs  thus  committed  to  her. 

"My  husband  trained  me  patiently  and 
thoroughly,"  she  said  to  one  who  compli- 
mented her  financial  sagacity.  "I  was  an 
ignoramus  when  we  were  married." 

Then  laughingly  she  related  the  "profit 
and  loss"  incident. 

It  is  the  fashion  to  sneer  at  women's 
business  methods.  Who  are  to  blame  for 
their  blunders? 

Should  your  wife  play  with  her  allow- 
ance, as  a  child  with  a  new  toy,  let  cen- 
sure fall  upon  those  who  have  kept  her 
317 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

in  leading-strings.  Teach  her  gradually 
to  comprehend  her  responsibilities.  The 
sense  of  them  will  steady  her  un- 
less she  be  exceptionally  feather-brained. 
Be  she  wasteful  or  frugal,  the  allowance 
you  have  made  to  her  is  as  honestly  hers 
to  have,  to  hold  or  to  spend,  as  the  third 
of  your  estate  which  the  law  will  give  her 
in  the  event  of  your  death. 

"Settlements,"  according  to  the  Eng- 
lish sense  of  the  word,  are  not  yet  com- 
mon in  the  United  States.  One  Amer- 
ican father,  whose  daughter  was  on  the 
eve  of  marriage  with  an  Englishman,  or- 
dered the  prospective  groom  out  of  the 
house  when  the  foreigner  queried  inno- 
cently as  to  the  "settlements"  the  future 
father-in-law  intended  to  make  upon  his 
child. 

A  man  with  a  reputation  for  fortune- 
hunting  had  nearly  rid  himself  of  the  slur 
by  insisting  that  his  fiancee's  large  estate 

318 


OUR  YOUNG  MARRIED  COUPLE 

should  be  settled  absolutely  upon  herself. 
Her  quondam  guardian  put  a  different 
complexion  on  the  generous  act  by  di- 
vulging the  circumstance  that  the  hus- 
band, by  the  same  "settlement,"  had  made 
himself  sole  trustee  of  his  wife's  property 
of  every  description. 

While  there  are,  perhaps,  fewer  purely 
mercenary  marriages  in  our  country 
than  in  any  other,  it  can  not  be  denied 
that  a  large  proportion  of  enterprising 
young  men  act,  consciously,  or  unwit- 
tingly, on  the  advice  of  the  Scotchman 
who  warned  his  son  not  to  marry  for 
money,  but  in  seeking  a  wife,  "to  gae 
where  money  is." 

"Is  he  marrying  her  fortune,  or  her- 
self?" asked  one  gossip  of  another  when 
an  approaching  bridal  was  spoken  of. 

"They  say  he  is  very  much  in  love  with 
her!"  was  the  answer,  uttered  dubiously. 
"I  fancy,  however,  that  he  would  have  re- 
319 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

pressed  his  passion,  if  she  were  a  poor 
girl." 

Which  brings  us  to  a  much  more  deli- 
cate matter  than  the  division  of  the  in- 
come earned,  or  inherited,  by  the  bride- 
groom. 

It  is  a  fact  that  may  have  much  sig- 
nificance— or  none — that  the  bride  makes 
no  mention  of  endowing  her  husband  with 
all,  or  any  portion,  of  her  worldly  goods. 
It  is  likewise  significant  that  laws  (of 
man's  devising)  take  it  for  granted  that 
her  property  goes  with  her,  so  that  in  most 
of  our  states  it  is  his  without  other  act  of 
gift  than  the  marriage  ceremony. 

The  man  who  marries  for  money  has 
no  scruples  as  to  the  acceptance  and  the 
use  of  it.  Sometimes  it  is  squandered; 
sometimes,  but  not  often,  it  is  hoarded; 
most  frequently  "it  goes  into  the  hus- 
band's business"  and  is  invested  by  him 
for  the  benefit  of  himself  and  his  family. 

320 


OUR  YOUNG  MARRIED  COUPLE 

The  nicer  issue  with  which  we  have  to 
do  is  how  our  conscientious  John,  who 
would  have  married  his  best  girl  if  she  had 
not  possessed  one  penny  in  her  own  right, 
is  to  comport  himself  with  regard  to  the 
fortune,  modest  or  considerable,  which  she 
brings  to  him  as  dowry. 

Briefly  and  clearly — as  a  trust  not  to  be 
committed  to  the  chances  and  changes  of 
his  individual  ventures.  No  investment 
should  be  made  of  his  wife's  money  with- 
out her  knowledge  and  full  consent.  In 
all  that  he  does  where  her  funds  are  in- 
volved, he  should  be  her  actuary,  and  what 
profits  result  from  "operations"  with  her 
funds  should  be  settled  on  herself  and 
children.  By  this  course  alone  can  he  re- 
tain his  self-respect,  his  reputation  as  an 
honorable  man,  and  certainly  disabuse  his 
wife's  mind  of  any  possible  suspicion  that 
his  affection  was  not  wholly  for  her. 


SS21 


XXVIII 

MORE  ABOUT  ALLOWANCES 

The  arrangement  between  husband  and 
wife  concerning  money  matters  should  be 
no  more  definite  and  business-like  than 
that  subsisting  between  father  and  chil- 
dren. To  be  taught  early  the  real  value 
of  money  is  a  distinct  assistance  to  finan- 
cial integrity  in  later  life.  To  have  in 
one's  possession,  even  as  a  child,  a  sum 
wholly  one's  own,  conduces  to  a  feeling 
of  self-respect  and  independence.  As 
soon  as  a  child  is  old  enough  to  know  what 
money  is  and  that,  for  money,  things  are 
bought  and  sold,  he  should  have  an  al- 
lowance, be  it  only  a  penny  a  week.  Sug- 
gestions, but  not  commands,  as  to  its  ex- 
penditure should  accompany  the  gift. 
Gradually  the  weekly  or  monthly  amount 

322 


MORE    ABOUT    ALLOWANCES 

should    be    increased,    and    instructions 
should  be  given  as  to  its  possible  use. 

A  child  may  be  advised  properly  to  di- 
vide his  small  funds  between  pleasure  and 
charity,  or  between  the  things  bought 
solely  for  his  own  benefit  and  those  for  the 
benefit  of  others,  the  value  of  the  expendi- 
ture, in  each  case,  being  dependent  on  the 
freedom  of  his  choice.  As  he  grows  older 
he  should  be  taught  to  expend  money 
for  necessities.  He  should  be  trained  to 
buy  his  own  clothes  and  other  personal  be- 
longings. This  sort  of  training,  often 
disastrously  neglected,  is  of  far  more 
practical  value  than  many  things  taught 
in  the  schools.  The  feeling  of  responsi- 
bility engendered  in  children  or  young 
people  by  trusting  them  with  a  definite 
amount  of  money  for  certain  general  pur- 
poses, can  scarcely  fail  of  a  happy  result. 
It  binds  them  to  a  performance  of  duty 
while  it  confers,  at  the  same  time,  a  de- 

823 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

licious  sense  of  freedom.  An  allowance 
for  necessities  gives  its  recipient  liberty  of 
choice  in  expenditure,  but  the  choice  must 
be  judicious  or  the  recipient  suffers.  This 
it  does  not  take  him  long  to  find  out. 

Many  a  man  who  refuses  his  sons  and 
daughters  allowances,  permits  them  to  run 
up  large  bills  at  the  various  shops  where 
they  trade.  Exactly  what  the  amount  of 
these  bills  will  be  he  never  knows,  except 
that  it  is  sure  to  be  larger  than  he  wishes. 
The  children  of  such  a  man  never  have 
any  ready  money.  They  do  not  know 
what  to  count  on  and,  in  consequence, 
not  being  trusted,  they  exercise  all  their 
ingenuity  to  outwit  the  head  of  the  fam- 
ily and  to  trick  from  him  exactly  as  much 
money  as  possible.  A  young  woman  with 
somewhat  extravagant  tendencies,  who 
belonged  to  the  class  of  the  unallowanced, 
begged  her  father  for  a  new  gown.  She 
pleaded  and  pleaded  in  vain.  Finally,  he 

324 


MORE    ABOUT    ALLOWANCES 

said  if  she  had  anything  that  could  be 
made  over,  he  would  stand  for  the  bill. 
This  word  to  the  wise  was  sufficient.  She 
took  the  waist-band  of  an  old  gown  to  her 
modiste  who  built  upon  it  a  beautiful 
frock  for  which  she  likewise  sent  in  a 
beautiful  bill.  Fortunately  this  daughter 
had  a  father  who  was  a  connoisseur  in  wit, 
and  who  could  appreciate  a  joke  even  at 
his  own  expense.  But  the  example  will 
serve,  as  well  as  another,  to  illustrate  the 
lengths  to  which  a  woman  may  resort 
when  not  treated  as  a  reasonable  and  rea- 
soning creature  about  money  matters. 

"I  would  rather  have  one-half  the 
amount  of  money  of  which  I  might  other- 
wise have  the  use,  and  have  it  in  the  form 
of  an  allowance,"  said  a  young  woman 
who  was  discussing,  with  other  young 
women,  the  subject  of  expenditures.  "If 
I  know  what  I  am  to  have,  I  can  spend  it 
to  much  better  advantage.  I  can  exercise 
9*1 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

some  method  in  my  purchases.  If  I  don't 
know,  I  am  likely  to  spend  a  large  sum 
on  some  two  or  three  articles  with  the 
hope  that  more  is  coming.  Suddenly  and 
unexpectedly  father  sets  his  foot  down  on 
further  bills,  and  there  I  am  with  a  dream 
of  a  hat  but  no  shoes,  or  with  a  ball-gown 
and  not  a  coat  to  my  back." 

Money  plays  some  part  in  the  life  of 
every  human  being  belonging  to  a  civil- 
ized nation.  The  question  of  successful 
and  skilful  expenditure  is  a  vital  ques- 
tion for  the  majority  of  people.  It  is  not 
a  question  that  can  be  solved  without 
training.  Yet  we  educate  children  in 
various  unimportant  matters,  and,  for  the 
most  part,  leave  this  of  money  untouched. 
In  no  way  can  a  child  or  a  young  person 
be  taught  so  readily  and  so  quickly  the 
proper  use  of  money  as  by  limiting  his 
expenses  to  a  certain  sum,  which  sum  he 
nevertheless  controls. 
326 


XXIX 

A  FEW  OF  THE  LITTLE  THINGS  THAT  ARE 
BIG  THINGS 

Seeing  the  prevalence  of  rudeness  in 
human  intercourse,  one  is  forced  to  be- 
lieve that  the  natural  man  is  a  cross- 
grained  brute.  That  breeding  and  cul- 
ture often  convert  him  into  a  creature  of 
gentleness  and  refinement  speaks  volumes 
for  the  powers  of  such  influence.  The 
average  man  seems  to  take  a  savage  de- 
light in  occasionally  giving  vent  to  brutal 
or  cutting  speech.  To  yield  thus  to  a 
primal  and  savage  instinct  is  to  prove  that 
breeding  and  refinement  are  lacking. 

There  are  certain  business  men  who, 
during  business  hours,  meet  one  with  a 
brusk  manner  that  would  not  be  par- 
doned in  a  petty  tradesman.  If  we  visit 
them  on  their  own  business, — not  as  in- 

827 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

truders, — it  is  the  same.  They  seem  to 
feel  that  a  certain  disagreeable  humor  is 
an  indispensable  accompaniment  to  the 
occasion.  Such  insolence  is  usually  taken 
as  a  matter  of  course  by  the  recipient,  who 
immediately  feels  penitent  at  the  thought 
of  his  intrusion. 

Too  often  the  physician  who  is  not  a 
gentleman-at-heart,  trades  on  the  fact 
that  his  patients  regard  him  as  a  necessity, 
and  is  as  disagreeable  as  his  temper  at  the 
moment  demands  that  he  shall  be.  He 
intimates  that  he  is  so  busy  that  he  has 
scarcely  time  to  give  his  advice;  that  the 
person  he  attends  had  no  business  to  get 
ill,  and,  in  fact,  makes  himself  generally 
so  disagreeable  it  is  to  be  wondered 
at  that  the  sufferer  ever  calls  in  this  man 
again.  Yet  in  a  drawing-room,  and  talk- 
ing to  a  well  person,  this  man's  manner 
would  be  charming.  One  sometimes  feels 
that  sick  people  and  physicians  might  well 

328 


A  FEW  OF  THE  LITTLE  THINGS 

be  classed  as  "patients"  and  "impatients." 
It  is  but  fair  to  remark  that,  to  the 
credit  of  physicians,  it  is  not  always 
those  who  have  had  the  largest  experience, 
or  who  stand  at  the  head  of  their  profes- 
sion who  deserve  to  come  under  the  above 
condemnation.  The  men  to  whom  the 
world  looks  for  advice  in  the  matters  of 
which  they  have  made  a  study,  and  who 
are  sure  of  their  standing,  are  often  the 
gentlest,  the  most  courteous. 

Our  busy  men  have  need  to  remember 
that  the  man  who  is  gentle  at  heart  shows 
that  gentleness  in  counting-room  and  of- 
fice as  well  as  in  drawing-room  and  din- 
ing-room, and  the  fact  that  the  person 
calling  on  him  for  business  purposes  or 
advice  is  a  woman,  should  compel  him  to 
show  the  politeness  which 

— "is  to  do  and  say 
The  kindest  thing  in  the  kindest  way." 


329 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

On  the  other  hand,  common  courtesy 
and  consideration  for  another  demand 
that  the  person  who  intrudes  on  a  man 
when  he  is  busy  should  state  his  business 
briefly,  and  then  take  his  departure.  Only 
the  busy  man  or  woman  knows  the  agony 
that  comes  with  the  knowledge  that  the 
precious  moments  of  the  working  hours 
are  being  frittered  away  on  that  which  is 
unnecessary,  when  necessary  work  is 
standing  by,  begging  for  the  attention  it 
deserves  and  should  receive.  Let  him  who 
would  be  careful  on  points  of  etiquette  re- 
member that  there  is  an  etiquette  of  work- 
ing hours  as  well  as  of  the  hours  of  leisure 
and  sociability. 

Perhaps  the  lapse  from  good  breeding 
most  common  in  general  society  is  the  ask- 
ing of  questions.  One  is  aghast  at  the 
evidence  of  impertinent  curiosity  that 
parades  under  the  guise  of  friendly  in- 
terest. Interrogations  as  to  the  amount 

330 


A  FEW  OF  THE  LITTLE  THINGS 

of  one's  income,  occupation,  and  even  as 
to  one's  age  and  general  condition,  are 
legion  and  inexcusable.  Every  one  who 
writes — be  he  a  well-known  author  or  a 
penny-a-liner — knows  only  too  wrell  the 
query,  "What  are  you  writing  now?"  and 
knows,  too,  the  feeling  of  impotent  rage 
awakened  by  this  query.  Yet,  unless  one 
would  be  as  rude  as  his  questioner,  he 
must  smile  inanely  and  make  an  evasive 
answer. 

To  ask  no  question  does  not,  of  neces- 
sity, mean  a  lack  of  interest  in  the  person 
with  whom  one  is  conversing.  A  polite 
and  sympathetic  attention  will  show  a 
more  genuine  and  appreciative  interest 
than  much  inquisitiveness. 

While  we  are  on  this  subject,  it  may  be 
well  to  mention  that  a  lack  of  interest  in 
what  is  being  told  one  is  a  breach  of 
courtesy  that  is  all  too  common.  Often  one 
sees  a  man  or  woman  deliberately  pick  up 

331 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

a  book  or  paper,  open  it  and  glance  over 
it  while  his  interlocutor  is  in  the  midst  of 
a  story  he  means  to  make  interesting.  If 
the  conversation  is  interesting,  it  deserves 
the  undivided  attention  of  both  persons; 
if  what  is  being  said  is  not  worth  atten- 
tion, the  listener  should  at  least  respect  the 
speaker's  intention  to  please.  There  is 
nothing  more  dampening  to  conversa- 
tional enthusiasm,  or  more  "squelching" 
to  eloquence,  than  to  find  the  eyes  of  the 
person  with  whom  one  is  talking  fixed  on 
a  book  or  magazine,  which  he  declares  lie 
is  simply  "looking  over,"  or  at  whose 
pictures  he  is  "only  glancing." 

A  good  listener  is  in  himself  an  inspi- 
ration. Even  if  one  is  not  attracted  by  the 
person  to  whom  one  is  talking,  one  should 
assume  interest.  This  rule  also  holds 
good  with  regard  to  the  attention  given  to 
a  public  speaker.  In  listening  to  a 
preacher  or  to  a  lecturer,  one  should  look 

332 


A  FEW  OF  THE  LITTLE  THINGS 

at  him  steadily, — not  allowing  the  eyes  to 
wander  about  the  building  and  along  ceil- 
ing and  walls.  This  habit  of  a  seemingly 
fixed  attention  is  easily  cultivated.  If 
one  is  really  interested  in  the  address, 
it  aids  in  the  enjoyment  and  compre- 
hension of  it  to  watch  the  speaker's  facial 
play  and  gestures.  If  one  is  bored,  one 
may  yet  fix  the  eyes  upon  the  face  of 
the  person  to  whom  one  is  supposed  to  be 
listening,  and  continue  to  think  one's  own 
thoughts  and  to  plan  one's  own  plans. 
And  certainly  the  person  who  is  exerting 
himself  for  the  entertainment  of  his  au- 
dience will  speak  better  and  be  more  com- 
fortable for  the  knowledge  that  eyes  be- 
longing to  some  one  who  is  apparently  ab- 
sorbed in  his  address,  are  fixed  upon  him. 

Conditions  under  which  otherwise  polite 
persons  feel  that  they  can  be  rude  are 
those  attendant  on  a  telephone-conver- 
sation. With  the  first  "Hello"  many  a 

833 


man  drops  his  courtesy  as  if  it  were  a  gar- 
ment that  did  not  fit  him.  And  women  do 
the  same.  If  the  "Central"  were  to  record 
all  that  she  (it  seems  to  be  usually  a 
"she")  hears,  and  all  that  is  said  to  her, 
our  ears  would  tingle.  True  it  is,  that  she 
often  is  surly,  pert,  and  ill-mannered. 
But  if  she  is  ill-bred,  that  is  no  reason  for 
the  "connecting  parties"  to  follow  suit. 
Were  one  really  amenable  to  arrest  for 
profanity  over  the  wires,  the  police  would 
be  kept  busy  if  they  performed  their 
duty. 

But  putting  aside  the  underbred  who 
swears,  let  us  listen  for  a  moment  to  the 
so-called  courteous  person, — for  he  is 
courteous  under  ordinary  circumstances: 

"Hello!  Central!  how  long  are  you  go- 
ing to  keep  me  waiting?  I  told  you  I 
wanted  '3040  Spring.'  Yes!  I  did  say  that! 
and  if  you  would  pay  attention  to  your 
business  you  would  know  it!  I  never  saw 

834> 


A  FEW  OF  THE  LITTLE  THINGS 

such  a  worthless  set  as  they  have  at  that 
Central  office.  Got  them,  did  you?  It's 
time!  Hello,  3040,  is  that  you?  Well,  why 
the  devil  didn't  you  send  that  stuff  around 
this  morning?  Going  to,  right  away,  are 
you?  Well,  it's  time  you  did.  What  ails 
you  people,  anyway?  Noll  Central!!!  I'm 
not  through,  and  I  wish  to  heaven  you'd 
let  this  line  alone  when  I'm  talking,"  and 
so  on,  ad  infinitum. 

Is  all  this  worth  while,  and  is  it  neces- 
sary? And  must  women,  who,  as  they  call 
themselves  ladies,  do  not  give  vent  to  ex- 
pressed profanity,  so  far  copy  the  man- 
ners of  the  so-called  stronger  sex  that 
they  scream  like  shrews  over  the  tele- 
phone? 

Calling  one  day  on  a  woman  whom 
I  had  met  with  pleasure  half-a-dozen 
times,  I  was  the  unwilling  listener  to 
her  conversation  with  her  grocer.  She 
began  by  rating  Central  for  not  ask- 

335 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

ing  "What  number?"  as  soon  as  the  re- 
ceiver was  lifted  from  the  hook.  Having 
warmed  up  to  business  on  this  unseen 
girl,  she  got  still  more  heated  with  the 
grocer  at  the  other  end  of  the  wire.  She 
had  ordered  one  kind  of  apples,  and  he 
had  sent  her  another,  and  the  slip  of  paper 
containing  the  list  of  her  purchases  had 
an  item  of  a  five-cent  box  of  matches  that 
she  had  not  ordered.  With  regard  to  all 
of  which  she  expostulated  shrilly  and  with 
numerous  exclamations  that  were  as  near 
as  she  dared  come  to  masculine  explosives, 
— such  as  "Great  Heavens!"  "Goodness 
gracious!"  and  so  forth.  After  threaten- 
ing to  transfer  her  custom  to  another 
grocer,  and  refusing  to  accept  the  apol- 
ogy of  the  abject  tradesman,  she  compro- 
mised by  saying  that  she  would  give  him 
another  trial,  and  hung  up  the  receiver, 
coming  into  the  parlor  and  beginning 
conversation  once  more  in  the  even  society 

336 


A  FEW  OF  THE  LITTLE  THINGS 

voice  I  had  invariably  heard  before  from 
her. 

That  the  ways  of  telephones  and  the 
persons  who  operate  them  are  trying,  no 
one  can  deny, — least  of  all,  the  writer  of 
this  chapter,  who  lives  in  a  house  with  one 
of  these  maddening  essentials  to  human 
comfort.  But  the  loss  of  temper  that  man- 
ifests itself  in  outward  speech  is  not  a 
requisite  of  the  proper  appreciation  and 
use  of  the  telephone.  It  is  nothing  less 
than  a  habit,  and  a  pernicious  one, — this 
way  we  have  of  talking  into  the  trans- 
mitter. Let  us  remember  that  courtesy 
pays  better  than  curses,  and  politeness 
better  than  profanity.  If  not,  then  let  u? 
have  poorer  service  from  Central  and  pre- 
serve our  self-respect. 

A  rudeness  of  which  people  who  should 

know  better  are  frequently  guilty  is  that 

of  criticizing  a  dear  friend  of  the  person 

to  whom  one  is  talking.  This  is  not  only 

337 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

ill-mannered,  but  actually  unkind,  and 
one  of  many  flagrant  violations  of  the 
Golden  Rule.  If  a  man  loves  his  friend, 
do  not  call  his  attention  to  that  friend's 
failing,  nor  twit  him  on  his  fondness 
for  such  a  person.  He  is  happier  for  not 
seeing  the  failings,  and  if  the  friendship 
brings  him  any  happiness,  or  makes  life 
even  a  little  pleasanter  for  him,  do  not  be 
guilty  of  the  cruelty  of  clouding  that 
happiness.  If  the  man  does  see  the  faults 
of  him  he  loves,  and  loyally  ignores  them, 
pretend  that  you  are  not  aware  of  the 
foibles  toward  which  he  would  have  you 
believe  him  blind.  The  knowledge  of  the 
peccadilloes  of  those  in  whom  we  trust 
comes  only  too  soon;  we  need  not  hurry 
on  the  always-disappointing,  often  bitter 
knowledge. 

Perhaps  lack  of  breeding  shows  in 
nothing  more  than  in  the  manner  of  re- 
ceiving an  invitation.  Should  a  man  say, 

388 


patronizingly,  "Oh,  perhaps  I  can  ar- 
range to  come," — when  you  invite  him  to 
some  function,  write  him  down  as  un- 
worthy of  another  invitation.  He  is  lack- 
ing in  respect  to  you  and  in  appreciation 
of  the  honor  you  confer  on  him  in  asking 
him  to  partake  of  the  hospitality  you  have 
devised. 

"Really,"  protested  one  man  plain- 
tively, "I  am  very  tired!  I  have  been  out 
every  night  for  two  weeks,  and  now  you 
want  me  for  to-morrow  night.  I  am 
doubtful  whether  I  ought  to  come.  I  am 
so  weary  that  I  feel  I  need  rest." 

The  stately  woman  who  had  asked  him 
to  her  house,  smiled  amusedly: 

"Pray  let  me  settle  your  doubts  for 
you,"  she  said,  "and  urge  you  not  to  neg- 
lect the  rest  nature  demands.  Your  first 
duty  is  to  her,  not  to  me." 

The  man  was  too  obtuse  or  too  con- 
ceited to  perceive  the  veiled  sarcasm,  and 

389 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

to  know  that  the  invitation  was  with- 
drawn. 

Unless  one  receives  special  permission 
from  the  person  giving  an  invitation  to 
hold  the  matter  open  for  some  good  and 
sufficient  reason,  one  should  accept  or  de- 
cline a  verbal  invitation  as  soon  as  it  is 
given.  If  circumstances  make  this  im- 
possible, one  should  apologize  for  hesitat- 
ing, saying,  "I  am  so  anxious  to  come  that 
I  am  going  to  ask  your  permission  to  send 
you  my  answer  later,  after  I  ascertain  if 
my  husband  has  no  engagement  for  that 
evening," — or  some  such  form.  The 
would-be  hostess  will  readily  grant  such  a 
request. 

It  may  seem  far-fetched  to  speak  of  in- 
gratitude as  a  breach  of  etiquette,  but  the 
lack  of  acknowledgment  of  favors  is  very 
much  like  it.  The  man  who  accepts  all 
done  for  him  as  his  due,  who  forgets  the 
"thank  you"  in  return  for  the  trifling 

340 


A  FEW  OF  THE  LITTLE  THINGS 

favor,  is  not  a  gentleman — in  that  respect, 
at  least.  The  young  men  and  young  wom- 
en of  to-day  are  too  often  spoiled  or  heed- 
less, taking  pretty  attentions  offered  them 
as  matters  of  course,  and  as  their  right. 

In  this  chapter  on  miscellaneous  eti- 
quette it  may  be  well  to  enforce  what  is 
said  elsewhere  with  regard  to  the  respect 
every  man  should  show  to  women.  For 
instance,  every  man  who  really  respects 
the  women  of  his  family  will  remove  his 
hat  when  he  enters  the  house.  There  are, 
however,  men  who  kiss  these  same  women 
with  covered  heads. 

In  a  well-known  play  acted  by  a  travel- 
ing company  some  years  ago  in  a  small 
town,  the  hero,  standing  in  a  garden,  told 
the  heroine  he  loved  her,  was  accepted  by 
her,  and  bent  to  kiss  her,  without  remov- 
ing the  conventional  derby  from  his  blond 
pate.  All  sentiment  was  destroyed  for  the 
spectators  when  irate  Hibernian  accents 

341 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

sounded  forth  from  the  gallery  with: 
"Suppose  ye  take  off  yer  hat,  ye  ill-man- 
nered blokey!" 

The  Irishman  was  in  the  right. 

Before  closing  this  chapter  on  miscel- 
laneous points  of  etiquette,  I  would  say 
a  word  to  those  who,  through  bashfulness 
or  self -consciousness,  do  the  things  they 
ought  not  to  do  and  leave  undone  those 
things  which  they  ought  to  do.  They  are 
so  uncomfortable  in  society,  so  afraid  of 
not  appearing  as  they  should,  and  so 
much  absorbed  in  wondering  how  they 
look  and  act,  and  wishing  that  they  did 
better,  that  they  are  guilty  of  the  very 
acts  of  omission  and  commission  they 
would  guard  against. 

If  I  could  give  one  rule  to  the  bashful 
it  would  be,  Forget  yourself  and  your  af- 
fairs in  interest  in  others  and  their  affairs. 
Be  so  fully  occupied  noticing  how  well 
others  appear  and  trying  to  make  every- 

34-2 


A  FEW  OF  THE  LITTLE  THINGS 

body  about  you  comfortable,  that  you 
have  no  time  to  think  of  your  behavior. 
You  will  then  not  be  guilty  of  any  fla- 
grant breach  of  etiquette.  The  most 
courteous  women  I  have  ever  known,  those 
whose  manners  were  a  charm  to  all  whom 
they  met,  were  those  who  were  self-for- 
getful and  always  watching  for  oppor- 
tunities to  make  other  people  comfortable. 
Such  are  the  queens  of  society. 


343 


XXX 

SELF-HELP   AND   OBSERVATION 

To  the  uninstructed,  socially,  the  bare 
rules  and  conventions  regulating  social 
life  seem  often  meaningless  and  arbi- 
trary. A  careful  consideration  of  these 
conventions,  such  as  it  has  been  the  aim  of 
this  book  to  give,  shows  that  no  one  of 
them  is  without  a  reason  for  its  being. 
The  classification,  however,  of  social 
forms  together  with  the  reasons  govern- 
ing these  forms,  does  not  provide  a  body 
of  knowledge  sufficient  to  serve  as  guide 
in  the  matter  of  comporting  oneself  easily 
and  to  advantage  socially.  There  are 
many  situations  and  points  of  behavior 
that  it  is  impossible  for  a  book  of  eti- 
quette to  cover.  The  laws  laid  down  are 
only  a  small  social  capital.  They  discuss 

344 


SELF-HELP  AND  OBSERVATION 

the  more  obvious  matters  of  social  con- 
tact. Numerous  points, — and  these  of 
the  finer  sort, — must  be  left  without  com- 
ment. In  the  treatment  of  these  points 
and  problems  the  person  desirous  of  solv- 
ing them  properly  must  rely  largely  on 
his  own  good  sense.  One  must  apply  to 
social  exigencies  the  same  methods  of  rea- 
soning that  one  applies  in  meeting  the 
other  exigencies  of  life.  In  a  word,  one 
must  resort  to  the  principle  of  self-help. 

Much,  too,  and  this  in  the  pleasantest 
fashion,  may  be  done  to  extend  one's 
knowledge  of  good  form  by  observation 
of  people  who  have  unusual  tact  and  so- 
cial discrimination.  In  every  city,  town 
and  village,  there  are  such  persons  who  are 
distinguished  above  their  fellow  citizens 
by  social  instinct,  by  the  talent  for  per- 
forming gracefully  and  acceptably  the 
offices  of  society.  In  differing  degrees, 
but  still  perceptibly,  these  people,  like  the 
Ml 


EVERYDAY    ETIQUETTE 

painter,  the  musician,  the  poet,  are 
marked  by  a  taste  and  a  thirst  for  perfec- 
tion. To  render  social  life  as  interesting, 
as  charming,  as  beautiful  as  possible,  to 
make  the  social  machinery  run  smoothly 
and  without  friction, — this  is  their  aim. 
Such  people  give  quality  to  social  inter- 
course. They  observe  the  little  amenities 
of  life  with  grace.  They  know  how  to 
enter  a  room  and  how  to  leave  it.  They 
convey  by  the  bow  with  which  they  greet 
one  on  the  street  the  proper  degree  of  ac- 
quaintanceship or  friendship.  They  dress 
with  propriety.  They  take  time  by  the 
forelock  in  the  adoption  of  new  devices 
for  the  entertainment  of  their  friends. 
Their  parties  are  the  prettiest;  their 
houses  are  the  most  popular.  Not  neces- 
sarily clever  of  speech,  they  are  clever  in 
small  and  charming  activities.  They  have 
a  marked  talent  for  all  the  little  graces 
that  make  social  intercourse  easy  and  de- 

346 


S  E  L  F-H  ELP  AND  OBSERVATION 

lightful.  This  talent,  of  course,  can  not 
be  communicated,  but  much  may  be 
learned  by  watching  its  operation.  Cer- 
tainly one  can  gain  from  it  a  knowledge 
of  particulars,  of  how  to  perform  certain 
definite  acts,  even  if  the  conquest  of  the 
method  is  impossible. 

It  is  not  difficult  in  any  community  to 
discover  people  who  approach  more  or  less 
nearly  the  type  described.  They  have  a 
recognized  distinction.  To  watch  them, 
and,  by  this  means,  to  wrest  from  them  a 
part  at  least  of  their  secret,  is  the  surest 
way  for  the  individual,  timid  or  unversed 
socially,  to  discover  his  own  social  power 
and  to  increase  it. 


THE    END 


847 


Index 


INDEX 

Accepting  invitations  116 

Accounts,  keeping  316 
Acknowledging  gifts  95,  101 
Acknowledging  invitations  1,4,7,  9 

Addressing  invitations  6 

Addressing  letters  30 

Afternoon  receptions  42 

Allowances,  importance  of  322 

Allowances:  children's  weekly  sums  322 

Allowances,  expenditure  of  326 

Allowances,  value  of  323 

Anniversaries  50 

Announcements,  wedding  76 
Answering  letters  25,  35 

Arrival  at  functions  43 

"At  Home"  days  16 

"At  Homes"  invitations  to  2 

"At  Homes"  of  brides  77 
Attendants,  wedding  56,  67 

Automobiling,  etiquette  of  221 

Bachelor  dinners  110 

Bachelor  hospitality  103 

Bachelor  hospitality :  chaperon  required  106 
Bachelor  hospitality :  engaging  chaperon  for  106 

351 


INDEX 

Bachelor  hospitality :  form  of  entertaining  104 

Bachelor  hospitality :  issuing  invitations  107 

Bachelor  receptions  107 

Bashfuliiess  342 

Birthday  gifts  98 

Boarding-house,  etiquette  of  200 
Bowing                                                                  188-191 

Bouquets,  bridal  74 
Breakfast,  wedding                                               57,  74 

Bridal  dress  70 

Bruskness  327 

Business  courtesy  330 

Calling  cards  13 

Calls  15 

Calls:  "At  Home"  days  16 

Calls:  leaving  cards  19 

Calls,  returning  23 

Calls,  social  obligation  of  15 

Calls  to  offer  sympathy  22 

Cards  13 

Cards  for  matron  14 

Cards  for  men  15 

Cards  for  mourning  20 

Cards  for  young  women  14 

Cards,  style  for  calling  13 

Cards:  when  calling  19 
Ceremony,  wedding                                              62,  69 

Chaperon  85 

Chaperon  at  theaters  88 

352 


INDEX 

Chaperon,  duties  of  85,  88 

Chaperon,  excursions  with  89 

Chaperon,  necessity  of  86 

Chaperon,  obligation  to  90 

Children  256 

Children  at  hotels  207 

Children,  authority  over  262 

Children,  behavior  of  26 1 

Children,  indulgence  to  257 

Children,  obedience  of  267 

Children,  place  of  260 

Children,  traveling  with  263 

Christening  gifts  98 

Christening  parties  52 

Christmas  gifts  100 

Church  acquaintances  280 

Church  companionship  278 

Church  etiquette  277 

Church  etiquette :  making  friends  281 

Church  etiquette:  pastor  and  parish  285 

Church  etiquette :  pew  hospitality  283 

Church  etiquette:  visiting  congregations  284 

Church  etiquette :  welcoming  strangers  284 

Coming  out  78 

Coming-out  parties  42 
Condolence  S3,  152 
Conduct  toward  guest  l  .'><),  144 

Congratulations  33 
Congratulations,  wedding  63,  73 

353 


INDEX 

Correspondence,  value  of  26 

Courtesy  288 

Courtesy:  aged  men  296 

Courtesy :  value  of  deference  296 

Courtesy :  value  of  discrimination  291 

Courtesy  due  elders  288 

Criticism,  rudeness  of  337 

Dancing  parties  46 

Debutante  78 

Debutante,  age  of  79 

Debutante,  apparel  of  81,  83 

Debutante,  coming  out  78 

Debutante,  conduct  of  83 

Debutante,  significance  of  79 

Declining  invitations  9>   1 1 

Dinner,  invitations  to  9 

Dinner  parties  36,  39 

Disagreeableness  328 

Driving,  etiquette  of  228 
Duty  of  hospitality                                            145,   151 

Duty  of  maid  300 

Duty  of  mistress  300 

Duty  to  elders  288 

Embracing  195 

Engagements  49 

Engagement  gifts  97 

Escorting  women  19* 

Evening  receptions  41 

Expenses,  wedding  56 

354 


INDEX 


Finances  of  young  married  couples 

Finances:  accounts 

Finances :  advantages  of  agreement 

Finances :  advice  to  wife 

Finances:  allowance  for  wife 

Finances :  investing  wife's  money 

Finances:  marrying  for  money 

Finances :  wife  earns  allowance 

Finger  bowls,  use  of 

Flowers  for  funerals 

Fork,  use  of 

Functions 

Functions 

Functions 

Functions 

Functions 

Functions 

Functions 

Functions 

Functions 

Functions 

Functions 

Functions 

Funerals 

Gentleness,  value  of 

Gifts 

Gifts,  acknowledging 

Gifts,  appropriate 

Gifts,  birthday 

355 


afternoon  receptions 
anniversaries 
announcing  engagements 
christening  parties 
coming-out  parties 
dancing  parties 
dinner  parties 
evening  receptions 
how  to  conduct  oneself 
leaving 
luncheons 


311 
316 
315 
313 
314 
321 
320 
312 
172 
153 

169,  175 
36 
42 
50 
49 
52 
42 
46 

36,  39 
41 

39,  46 

40,  43 
40 

155 
329 
92 
95 
93 
98 


INDEX 


free  and  easy  behavior 
impropriety  of  advances 
losing  respect 
maidenly  dignity 
permitting  liberties 


Gifts,  christening 

Gifts,  Christmas 

Gifts  for  engagements 

Gifts  for  weddings 

Gifts  for  young  women 

Gifts,  lists  of 

Gifts,  marking  silver 

Girls,  etiquette  for 

Girls,  etiquette  for: 

Girls,  etiquette  for: 

Girls,  etiquette  for: 

Girls,  etiquette  for: 

Girls,  etiquette  for : 

Girls,  plain  talk  to 

Golf,  etiquette  of 

Guests  at  hotels 

Hat,  lifting  of 

Home,  etiquette  in 

Home,  etiquette  in 

Home,  etiquette  in 

Home,  etiquette  in 

Home,  etiquette  in 

Home,  etiquette  in 

Home,  etiquette  in 

Horseback  riding,  etiquette  of 

Hospitality 

Hospitality,  bachelor 

Hospitality,  duty  of 

Hospitality,  mutual  obligations  of 

356 


breaches  of  manner 
courteous  attentions 
family  table 
politeness  essential 
recognizing  others'  rights 
respect  necessary 


145, 


98 

100 

97 

92 

97 

101 

94 

245 

250 

251 

247 

254 

249 

246 

217 

200 

189 

176 

182 

184 

179 
178 
186 
178 
228 
145 
103 
151 
147 


INDEX 

Hospitality,  return  of  148 

Hospitality  to  strangers  150 
Hostess  at  table                                              166,   173 

Hotel,  children  in  207 

Hotel  etiquette  200 

Hotel  etiquette:  conduct  toward  waiter  204 

Hotel  etiquette:  criticizing  204 

Hotel  etiquette :  dining-room  conduct  203 

Hotel  etiquette :  instructions  for  guest  200 

Hotel  etiquette :  loud  talking  202 

Hotel  etiquette :  tipping  206 

Hotel  gossip  212 

Hotel,  summer  209 

How  to  write  letters  24 

Indulgent  parents  257 

Ingratitude,  display  of  340 

Interest,  display  of  331 

Investing  wife's  money  321 

Invitations  1 
Invitations,  acknowledging                           1,  4,  7,  9 

Invitations,  addressing  6 
Invitations,  declining                                              <),   H 

Invitations  for  an  "At  Home"  2 

Invitations  for  card  parties  5 

Invitations  for  church  weddings  5 

Invitations  for  dinners  9 

Invitations  for  evening  receptions  3 

Invitations  for  luncheons  10 

Invitations  in  honor  of  friend  3 

357 


INDEX 

Invitations  requiring  no  acceptance  note  1 

Inviting  a  visitor  137 

Jokes,  wedding  64 

Leaving  cards  19 

Letter  writing  24 

Letters,  addressing  SO 
Letters,  answering                                                25,  35 

Letters :  colored  letter  paper  27 
Letters  of  condolence                                         S3,   152 

Letters  of  congratulation  33 

Letters :  value  of  correspondents  26 

Letters,  dating  30 

Letters:  inclosing  stamps  34 

Letters,  how  to  write  25 

Letters:  mourning  stationery  29 

Letters :  plain  white  paper  28 

Letters:  postal  cards  31 

Letters:  signatures  30 

Letters:  social  forms  28 

Listening,  value  of  332 

Luncheons  40 

Maid  of  honor  59 

Maidenly  dignity  254 
Marriage,  ceremonies  of                                      54,  66 

Marrying  for  money  320 

Mistress  and  maid  300 

Mistress  and  maid :  duty  to  maid  305 

Mistress  and  maid :  duty  to  mistress  308 
Mistress  and  maid :  making  confidant  of  maid       309 

358 


INDEX 

Mistress  and  maid :  making  friend  of  maid  303 
Mistress  and  maid :  relations  between           800,  308 

Mistress,  conduct  of  300 

Mourning:  attending  funerals  156 

Mourning,  cards  of  20 

Mourning:  church  funerals  156 

Mourning:  conduct  of  bereaved  162 

Mourning:  extending  sympathy  157 

Mourning:  flowers  153 

Mourning:  funeral  notices  153 

Mourning:  home  funerals  156 

Mourning,  house  of  152 

Mourning  stationery,  appropriate  29 

Mourning,  time  of  l6l 

Mourning  veil  159 

Mrs.  Newlyrich,  ambitions  of  233 

Mrs.  Newlyrich,  apparel  of  243 

Mrs.  Newlyrich:  conduct  toward  servants  236 

Mrs.  Newlyrich:  engaging  servants  235 
Mrs.  Newlyrich:  forming  new  acquaintances         238 

Mrs.  Newlyrich,  house  of  243 

Mrs.  Newlyrich,  manners  of  231 

Mrs.  Newlyrich:  mastering  forms  241 

Mrs.  Newlyrich:  purse-pride  244 

Mrs.  Newlyrich,  social  duties  of  229 

Music,  wedding  6l 

Napkin,  use  of  175 

Neighbors  268 

Neighbors,  addressing  270 

359 


INDEX 

Neighbors,  courtesy  to  270 

Neighbors,  familiarity  with  274 

Neighbors,  higher  significance  of  268 

Notices,  funeral  153 

Obedience,  children's  267 

Observation,  value  of  344 

Paper,  letter  27 

Parents,  indulgent  257 

Parish,  etiquette  of  277 

Parties,  anniversary  50 

Parties,  christening  52 

Parties,  coming-out  42 

Parties,  dancing  46 

Parties,  dinner  36,  39 

Parties,  house  122 

Pastor  and  parish  285 

Politeness  in  home  178 

Postal  cards,  use  of  31 

Public,  addressing  women  in  193,   197 

Public,  assisting  women  in  193 

Public,  boarding  a  car  in  191 

Public,  bowing  in  188 

Public,  embracing  in  195 

Public,  escorting  women  in  194 

Public,  etiquette  in  188 

Public,  lifting  hat  in  189 

Public,  removing  hat  in  198 

Public,  resigning  seat  in  192 

Public:  theater  conduct  197 

360 


INDEX 


Purse-pride 
Receptions,  afternoon 
Receptions,  evening 
Receptions,  invitations  for 
Returning  calls 
Rowing,  etiquette  of 
Rudeness 
Spoon,  use  of 
Sports,  etiquette  in 
Sports,  etiquette  in 
Sports,  etiquette  in 
Sports,  etiquette  in 
Sports,  etiquette  in 
Sports,  etiquette  in 
Sports,  etiquette  in 
Sports,  etiquette  in 
Sports,  etiquette  in 
Sports,  etiquette  in 
Sports,  general  rules  of 
Summer  hotel,  etiquette  of 
Swimming,  etiquette  of 
Sympathy,  cards  of 
Sympathy,  expressions  of 
Table,  at 

Table,  at :  drinking  coffee 
Table,  at:  eating 
Table,  at:  salad 
Table,  at:  second  service 
Table,  at :  the  hostess 

361 


automobiling 

driving 

golf 

horseback  riding 

politeness  necessary 

rowing 

swimming 

tennis 

yachting 


244 

42 

41 

3 

23 
226 
327 
169 
214 
221 
228 
217 
228 
214 
226 
227 
223 
225 
215 
209 
227 
22 
157 
164 
171 

166,  168 

171 

174 

166,  173 


INDEX 


Table,  at :  use  of  finger  bowls 

Table,  at :  use  of  fork 

Table,  at :  use  of  napkin 

Table,  at :  use  of  spoon 

Table,  at:  using  fingers 

Table,  setting  the 

Table,  sitting  at 

Telephoning,  politeness  of 

Tennis,  etiquette  of 

Tipping 

Uninvited  visitor 

Ushers,  wedding 

Value  of  allowances 

Visited,  the 

conduct  toward  guest 
decline  of  hospitality 
inviting  a  visitor 
preparing  for  visitor 
welcoming  visitor 


Visited,  the: 
Visited,  the: 
Visited,  the: 
Visited,  the; 
Visited,  the: 
Visitor,  the 
Visitor,  the: 
Visitor,  the: 
Visitor,  the: 
Visitor,  the: 
Visitor,  the: 
Visitor,  the: 
Visitor,  the: 
Visitor,  the: 
Visitor,  the: 


accepting  invitations 
assisting  hostess 
examples  of  misbehavior 
house  parties 
keeping  engagements 
meal  time 

promptness  essential 
proper  mode  of  conduct 
thanking  hostess 

362 


172 

169,  175 
175 
169 
170 
164 
165 
333 
223 

123,  206 

116 

67 

323 

133 

139,  144 
133 
137 
138 
138 
114 
116 
119 
126 
122 
117 
118 
115 
131 
124 


INDEX 

Visitor,  the:  tipping  servants  123 

Visitor,  the:  what  to  avoid  121 

Visitor,  uninvited  116 
Visitor,  wardrobe  of                                         114,   122 

Weddings  54,  66 

Wedding  announcements  76 
Wedding  apparel,  appropriate                     58.  70,  72 

Wedding  at  home  54 

Wedding  attendants  56,  67 

Wedding  bouquets  74 

Wedding  breakfasts  57,  74 

Wedding  calls  76 
Wedding  ceremony                                       62,  64,  69 

Wedding,  church  66 

Wedding  decorations  67 

Wedding,  evening  72 

Wedding  expenses,  how  divided  56 

Wedding  invitations,  form  of  54 

Wedding  jokes,  impropriety  of  64 

Wedding  music  6l 

Wedding  procession,  order  of  62,  68 

Wedding  ushers  67 

Weddings:  "At  Home"  days  77 

Weddings:  congratulations,  expressing  63,  73 

Weddings :  maid  of  honor  59 

Yachting,  etiquette  of  225 

Young  married  couple  311 


363 


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JAN  16  19^6 


OCT  2  4  1995 
ARTS  LIBRARy 


NQN-RENElhABLE 


MAR  3  0  lOQI 
DUE  I  WKI  nm  OfTI  BiCllVEO 


